Look at the date. Friday the 13th. Great. The Last time I wrote, my life seemed perfect. Now it seems far from it. Have the stars not aligned right? Is it karma? Is it my fate? Ah, who knows. What has happened has, and now I will write about it. My way of dealing with emotion is that.
God, sometimes things get really out of hand. Yesterday was one of those really uneasy days. My first stomach-clenching experience was with the Principal of our school. She wanted to tell me something people had been noticing lately. Remember, this is Kerala. People need very little to talk, especially if it's about teen relationships. She wanted to tell me to be extremely careful what signs I give off in school, concerning my relationship with him. She wants me to stop being so close to him. She told me I must not give room for people to talk of me. I can hear their whispers in the corridor's, I see their knowing smiles. It is as if what I am doing, falling in love with the most amazing guy on earth, is the greatest sin.
she is the one walking around with that boy. What nerve she has to have a relationship with a senior! What is happening to our children? It's girls like these that we need less of.
they will not understand why I "walk around with that boy". These people don't believe in love, until you are married. They feel that a girl must love the boy her parents choose. Can she not choose the one who understands her most? NO. Especially not in school.
I love him. What they say will not change us. We will become stronger over their accusations.
Basketball is going rather pathetically at the moment. We scraped a win on Thursday and lost the finals of a local tournament yesterday. Our next tournament starts in a few days. God knows how we will do for that. Somehow, winning seems to be the last of my worries. Basketball at least keeps my mind off my problems for a while.
I need help. I have only him today. I need only him. I just hope that the world would leave us alone, to fall in love in peace. We just want to be ourselves.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Sense and Sensibility
Life is just great right now. It seems like everything around me is beautiful. I wonder what brought about the change. Oh wait, I know. Yeah, there's only one answer. Him. These days it seems like he's the only thing in my mind. The only person I want to talk about, the only one I want to be with.
M friends are all getting tired of hearing about him, but I don't care. He's the only thing that matters to me now. It's weird that something like this is even happening to me. But it feels great. It feels incredibly right.
I don't want to leave him. I want to hold him in my arms and stay there forever. I want to kiss his soft lips over and over again. I love him so much. I don't knew what else to say. It's all I think about. Our love, and it's amazing depth. I don't want to stop falling in love with him.
God, I pray to you to keep us safe.
M friends are all getting tired of hearing about him, but I don't care. He's the only thing that matters to me now. It's weird that something like this is even happening to me. But it feels great. It feels incredibly right.
I don't want to leave him. I want to hold him in my arms and stay there forever. I want to kiss his soft lips over and over again. I love him so much. I don't knew what else to say. It's all I think about. Our love, and it's amazing depth. I don't want to stop falling in love with him.
God, I pray to you to keep us safe.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
So It Continues...
Last week was as good as the one before. Again, after school we both had practice for basketball, and music. Now having lunch together is becoming an everyday thing for us. I'm afraid I've gotten so used to being with him, that I won't be able to keep up if he doesn't stay back in school with me. Anyway, like last week, this one was also bittersweet. A lot of crap went on all around me. I fought with my friends, I cried, I got yelled at by my coach, I never finished my homework on time, etc, etc.
but as always, someone was there to get me through. Yeah, you guessed it, it was him. He was there all along to make every day better than I thought it was. So at the end of each day all I'd say was, "things could have been so much worse if he wasn't there."
His hug is the most comforting thing on the planet. For me, his arms are the safest place. If I am with him, I know nothing can go wrong. We will hold on, together. He is the one who gives me strength. He is the one who holds me close. He is the one who loves me exactly how i want to be loved. he is the only one i want to spend my life with.
but as always, someone was there to get me through. Yeah, you guessed it, it was him. He was there all along to make every day better than I thought it was. So at the end of each day all I'd say was, "things could have been so much worse if he wasn't there."
His hug is the most comforting thing on the planet. For me, his arms are the safest place. If I am with him, I know nothing can go wrong. We will hold on, together. He is the one who gives me strength. He is the one who holds me close. He is the one who loves me exactly how i want to be loved. he is the only one i want to spend my life with.
Monday, September 25, 2006
What A Week It Has Been!
One of the most eventful weeks of my life it was, last week. It was bittersweet, but the good surprisingly overcame the bad.
basketball coaching had begun and was in full swing. We had practice everyday of the week(and still do). It was exhilarating. Playing basketball is always therapeutic to me. But it does have its cons. The biggest one being that it consumed a lot of my time. I barely finished my homework on time. I didn't have time for much else. By the time I got back home, I was spent. Nonetheless, it has been fun. It's all good when it's basketball.
the best part about last week was that when I had practice in school for basketball, he had practice in school for music. This meant one big thing: together, after school. Now, we're not exactly 'allowed' to be together(thanks to our parents being typical Keralites) so some time at school is all we usually get. But last week meant having lunch together everyday, hanging out in between practice, and even a few moments all alone. Just being with him was enough to have me dreaming all through the day. Those accidental brushes we had were so full of meaning, that only we understood. His hands are incredibly soft. (yeah, I was lucky enough to have felt them!!) and they look like they can do a hell lot of magic. But we know our limits. (don't think we're some crazy kids trying to get physical) it's way more than that. It's not about how close we are standing, it's about how closely we understand each other. That's one of the biggest reasons I love him so much. Whatever it is that happens, no matter how embarrassing are the things I've done, he's always there to say "it's ok, that's not what really counts." just his presence comforts me. And he's always, ALWAYS there to listen. When I feel like crying my heart out he says, "don't worry, everyone cries. It's going to be ok. I'm here."
I love who he is, not just to me; but what he is inside. It just surprises me how one person can make such a difference in my life. And more so that somehow, it mean the same to him.
every day I have more reason to spend the rest of my life with him. All I wish is that we'll be together like this till the end.
basketball coaching had begun and was in full swing. We had practice everyday of the week(and still do). It was exhilarating. Playing basketball is always therapeutic to me. But it does have its cons. The biggest one being that it consumed a lot of my time. I barely finished my homework on time. I didn't have time for much else. By the time I got back home, I was spent. Nonetheless, it has been fun. It's all good when it's basketball.
the best part about last week was that when I had practice in school for basketball, he had practice in school for music. This meant one big thing: together, after school. Now, we're not exactly 'allowed' to be together(thanks to our parents being typical Keralites) so some time at school is all we usually get. But last week meant having lunch together everyday, hanging out in between practice, and even a few moments all alone. Just being with him was enough to have me dreaming all through the day. Those accidental brushes we had were so full of meaning, that only we understood. His hands are incredibly soft. (yeah, I was lucky enough to have felt them!!) and they look like they can do a hell lot of magic. But we know our limits. (don't think we're some crazy kids trying to get physical) it's way more than that. It's not about how close we are standing, it's about how closely we understand each other. That's one of the biggest reasons I love him so much. Whatever it is that happens, no matter how embarrassing are the things I've done, he's always there to say "it's ok, that's not what really counts." just his presence comforts me. And he's always, ALWAYS there to listen. When I feel like crying my heart out he says, "don't worry, everyone cries. It's going to be ok. I'm here."
I love who he is, not just to me; but what he is inside. It just surprises me how one person can make such a difference in my life. And more so that somehow, it mean the same to him.
every day I have more reason to spend the rest of my life with him. All I wish is that we'll be together like this till the end.
Monday, September 18, 2006
What's wrong?
Whats the problem with my blog? no-one seems to be reaidng it in this vast interent community. come on people, do my efforts some justice!!! just check it out and tell me what u think! why else would i start this unless it was to find other people who have similar experiences to mine and also to find critics for my writing?
tell your freinds, and read my blog you guys. tell me how i can improve too. i have a feeling it's too plain. tell me what u guys think ok?
see ya
tell your freinds, and read my blog you guys. tell me how i can improve too. i have a feeling it's too plain. tell me what u guys think ok?
see ya
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Misunderstood?
What is happening to me? There is so much I don’t understand anymore. Just a month ago, I had the feeling I knew all about the goings on in my life. But now, I realize that I was terribly wrong.
My academic status has come down to a mere 10th rank, and I expect that to go down even lower at my current pace. I remember a time when I was one of the top 5 in my class. Now just thinking of that is taboo. All I want is a meager 85% when just a few years ago, my standards were above a 95% average. What has changed me to this? Have a found more important things in life? I’ve been trying to answer that question, and as you would probably have guessed, it is a yes. I have found new things that matter to me more than grades in school.
I began to realize the importance of my relationships with people. Even now, I struggle sometimes to maintain them. I have to make a genuine effort at certain occasions to cement the bonds I share with the people around me. And yet, it seems that these are slowly fading away into time. My friends, I sometimes do not know if they are trustworthy; and I doubt my capabilities as a good friend. What am I to them all, but a grain in the sands of time?
My fears are overwhelming me. I have never feared so many things in life. I fear even the thought of death. It’s so inevitable, so unavoidable, I have seen it happen enough and yet, my knees knock when I think of the day I leave forever. No, I was wrong. This world is not unreal. It is the only reality I know, and sometimes even though I need escape, I am terrified by that time that I would escape forever. I fear losing things that are dear to me.
I think of the love I have inside me. I’m afraid that one day, all these feelings I have for him are going to be wrecked, blocked. I’m dreading the day, for someday it might dawn on me, when I have to say goodbye. I can’t bear to think of a situation where I am devoid of his support. It scares me to death to think there could be a time when we are alone, and without each other, with no way of reconciling. I cry just imagining life without him. I don’t want to lose him. I want to stay in his arms forever. Why do my fears overwhelm me? When I confide in someone I trust, it seems as though it is all just paranoia. For a little while, I shun them as though they are the childish rants of a lunatic. But when I am alone, my fears return to haunt me. They shake me. I don’t understand all of them and I don’t even know why I am scared of certain things. But the weakness of my mind has succumbed to them. Uneasiness takes over me sometimes, despite the interspersed cheer and joy I find in life.
Am I being too critical of my environment? Probably so; but I find peace in re-thinking about my mistakes and of estimating the problems around me. I don’t really know why. Though, in my lack of understanding, I also find a comfort within myself. A comfort that says ultimately, I am the only one who completely knows me. To everyone else, though they may not realize it, this young, confused, bubbly girl will always be a mystery.
My academic status has come down to a mere 10th rank, and I expect that to go down even lower at my current pace. I remember a time when I was one of the top 5 in my class. Now just thinking of that is taboo. All I want is a meager 85% when just a few years ago, my standards were above a 95% average. What has changed me to this? Have a found more important things in life? I’ve been trying to answer that question, and as you would probably have guessed, it is a yes. I have found new things that matter to me more than grades in school.
I began to realize the importance of my relationships with people. Even now, I struggle sometimes to maintain them. I have to make a genuine effort at certain occasions to cement the bonds I share with the people around me. And yet, it seems that these are slowly fading away into time. My friends, I sometimes do not know if they are trustworthy; and I doubt my capabilities as a good friend. What am I to them all, but a grain in the sands of time?
My fears are overwhelming me. I have never feared so many things in life. I fear even the thought of death. It’s so inevitable, so unavoidable, I have seen it happen enough and yet, my knees knock when I think of the day I leave forever. No, I was wrong. This world is not unreal. It is the only reality I know, and sometimes even though I need escape, I am terrified by that time that I would escape forever. I fear losing things that are dear to me.
I think of the love I have inside me. I’m afraid that one day, all these feelings I have for him are going to be wrecked, blocked. I’m dreading the day, for someday it might dawn on me, when I have to say goodbye. I can’t bear to think of a situation where I am devoid of his support. It scares me to death to think there could be a time when we are alone, and without each other, with no way of reconciling. I cry just imagining life without him. I don’t want to lose him. I want to stay in his arms forever. Why do my fears overwhelm me? When I confide in someone I trust, it seems as though it is all just paranoia. For a little while, I shun them as though they are the childish rants of a lunatic. But when I am alone, my fears return to haunt me. They shake me. I don’t understand all of them and I don’t even know why I am scared of certain things. But the weakness of my mind has succumbed to them. Uneasiness takes over me sometimes, despite the interspersed cheer and joy I find in life.
Am I being too critical of my environment? Probably so; but I find peace in re-thinking about my mistakes and of estimating the problems around me. I don’t really know why. Though, in my lack of understanding, I also find a comfort within myself. A comfort that says ultimately, I am the only one who completely knows me. To everyone else, though they may not realize it, this young, confused, bubbly girl will always be a mystery.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Hate School? Join the Club.
My Onam holidays are over. It's a depressing realization that I have to go back to that horrible place on Monday. School Sucks. It's H-E-L-L. I can't stand school. Here's why:
1. I'm in the tenth. The beginning of the toughest years of CBSE education. I have nothing to look forward to in my 11th and 12th, from what I've heard. All I have up ahead is a tons of studying, a lot of mugging, maybe a little learning, and a whole lot of crap from teachers and parents. Great.
2. I don't enjoy hanging out with my batch anymore. I was never a loner, but these past few months, my entire batch just sickness me. How they go around with each other and how they look like they're not studying but in truth they are. They're always out partying or hanging out and enjoying themselves. Hey that's great! But I'm just not interested anymore. The whole teenage flirting and freaking out has been a little toned down for me lately.
3. There are exams every three weeks. Midterms, Half -yearlys, third terms, models, and how could I forget the fabulous boards. In all, we have 8 sets of exams in a span of 10 months. And then there's Internal assessments, projects, vivas, practicals, what not. If u find that hard to believe, obviously you're not Indian.
4. Basketball season starts next week. It's great to play basketball, but that is just going to mean more missing classes, more staying back at school for practice, more time lost. More work and less energy.
5. My Half-yearly exam results will be out. Now, unlike everyone around me, my academic capabilities aren't at their peak right now. I've been failing myself a lot these days. So the one thing I'm dreading is returning to horrid school to see my grades. What a great way to start the new term(sarcasm).
Somebody tell me there's hope!!!
1. I'm in the tenth. The beginning of the toughest years of CBSE education. I have nothing to look forward to in my 11th and 12th, from what I've heard. All I have up ahead is a tons of studying, a lot of mugging, maybe a little learning, and a whole lot of crap from teachers and parents. Great.
2. I don't enjoy hanging out with my batch anymore. I was never a loner, but these past few months, my entire batch just sickness me. How they go around with each other and how they look like they're not studying but in truth they are. They're always out partying or hanging out and enjoying themselves. Hey that's great! But I'm just not interested anymore. The whole teenage flirting and freaking out has been a little toned down for me lately.
3. There are exams every three weeks. Midterms, Half -yearlys, third terms, models, and how could I forget the fabulous boards. In all, we have 8 sets of exams in a span of 10 months. And then there's Internal assessments, projects, vivas, practicals, what not. If u find that hard to believe, obviously you're not Indian.
4. Basketball season starts next week. It's great to play basketball, but that is just going to mean more missing classes, more staying back at school for practice, more time lost. More work and less energy.
5. My Half-yearly exam results will be out. Now, unlike everyone around me, my academic capabilities aren't at their peak right now. I've been failing myself a lot these days. So the one thing I'm dreading is returning to horrid school to see my grades. What a great way to start the new term(sarcasm).
Somebody tell me there's hope!!!
Friday, September 08, 2006
Hyderabad
Last week, being Onam in Kerala, I took a trip to hyderabad with my family. There was my mom, dad, brother, my aunt, uncle and cousins. We joined other cousins in Hyderabad.
It was a great trip. And a nice city at that.
Surprisingly we didn't shop much. i got some good perfume for myself. but other than that, a trip to the chudi baazaar and the joothi store, there wasn't much. Well, we also got some pearl jewellery, since hyderabad is supposed to be the 'city of pearls'.
We, like typical tourists, went to the historical places like the Char Minar, and Golconda fort and visited a couple of meusems. We got to see the Nizam's Jewels, which showcased the exquisite Jacob's diamond. Historically, i'm alot smarter now.
The great highlight was the food. My aunt, being the excellent cook tat she is, had us full to the brim for the entire holiday. The andhra biriyani was absolutely amazing; the kebabs irresistable. We ate at all the local joints and relished every local delight. I stuffed myself till i could no more. I'm just greatful my metablism compensates for it.
We really bonded as a family. We're already planning our next vacation. It's great fun to get together like this. None of us had any inhibitions because we were all close to each other. I guess it's true when they say family is always something different. It's a separate sort of conncetion. you can hate each other to death sometimes but ultimately, you stick together. That was the positive outcome of our vacation together, the 12 of us. we have all got to know each toher better and the next time we get together there would be fewer misunderstandings, more laughs and we'd have a bigger blast than the last.
To Family.
It was a great trip. And a nice city at that.
Surprisingly we didn't shop much. i got some good perfume for myself. but other than that, a trip to the chudi baazaar and the joothi store, there wasn't much. Well, we also got some pearl jewellery, since hyderabad is supposed to be the 'city of pearls'.
We, like typical tourists, went to the historical places like the Char Minar, and Golconda fort and visited a couple of meusems. We got to see the Nizam's Jewels, which showcased the exquisite Jacob's diamond. Historically, i'm alot smarter now.
The great highlight was the food. My aunt, being the excellent cook tat she is, had us full to the brim for the entire holiday. The andhra biriyani was absolutely amazing; the kebabs irresistable. We ate at all the local joints and relished every local delight. I stuffed myself till i could no more. I'm just greatful my metablism compensates for it.
We really bonded as a family. We're already planning our next vacation. It's great fun to get together like this. None of us had any inhibitions because we were all close to each other. I guess it's true when they say family is always something different. It's a separate sort of conncetion. you can hate each other to death sometimes but ultimately, you stick together. That was the positive outcome of our vacation together, the 12 of us. we have all got to know each toher better and the next time we get together there would be fewer misunderstandings, more laughs and we'd have a bigger blast than the last.
To Family.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Unfriendly
Sometimes the world is the last place you want to be. This world is everything that you hate, sometimes. That time is now for me. I cannot stand being here. I cannot take any more of this suffocation. I hate everything about this materialistic, monotonous madness.
My parents are being very much like themselves. They are not content with what I do. They do not trust my capabilities. They do not support my decisions. And I am the only one at fault. I am the innocent fool. I am the easily flattered child. I am the careless disappointer. I wish they were not a part of me. Or more appropriately, sometimes I wish I was not a part of them. I don't mean to say they are bad people, or bad parents. No. I will always be at fault.
My friends could not care less. Who are my friends? Where are they? They are far away. Too far to hear my suffocated thoughts, or feel my dry tears on their skin. I trust them. I love them. But now, I need them not. They are not the ones who I want to share these thoughts with. They are the ones sitting in coffee houses, enjoying themselves; while I lie in my bed, numb to this unreal world.
My love. Though he is not here physically, I know we share a bond; unbreakable. But I can't take it anymore. I can't bear the distance. We are so very close. I can feel him all through my mind. But I don't want us to be broken down by our distorted surroundings. It's so painful to be there, wanting so desperately to say so many things, but we can't breathe a word. Like in autumn when you're walking ahead, and the wind, sand and leaves rush at your face, rustling you and leaving you flustered. The world is our autumn wind. And they never leave us alone. I want to run away with him to a far off place, that only we know. Somewhere real. A space in time, where we can be ourselves and say all that we want to, do all that we've dreamed of. I need to escape with him to a somewhere, someday, where nothing and nobody can ever tear us apart.
My parents are being very much like themselves. They are not content with what I do. They do not trust my capabilities. They do not support my decisions. And I am the only one at fault. I am the innocent fool. I am the easily flattered child. I am the careless disappointer. I wish they were not a part of me. Or more appropriately, sometimes I wish I was not a part of them. I don't mean to say they are bad people, or bad parents. No. I will always be at fault.
My friends could not care less. Who are my friends? Where are they? They are far away. Too far to hear my suffocated thoughts, or feel my dry tears on their skin. I trust them. I love them. But now, I need them not. They are not the ones who I want to share these thoughts with. They are the ones sitting in coffee houses, enjoying themselves; while I lie in my bed, numb to this unreal world.
My love. Though he is not here physically, I know we share a bond; unbreakable. But I can't take it anymore. I can't bear the distance. We are so very close. I can feel him all through my mind. But I don't want us to be broken down by our distorted surroundings. It's so painful to be there, wanting so desperately to say so many things, but we can't breathe a word. Like in autumn when you're walking ahead, and the wind, sand and leaves rush at your face, rustling you and leaving you flustered. The world is our autumn wind. And they never leave us alone. I want to run away with him to a far off place, that only we know. Somewhere real. A space in time, where we can be ourselves and say all that we want to, do all that we've dreamed of. I need to escape with him to a somewhere, someday, where nothing and nobody can ever tear us apart.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Love
I'm in love. There's no other explanation. I've fallen long and hard for this guy.
He's everything I've ever wanted in a lover. He's all i'll ever need in a freind. He's always there, right beside me and wow, it's incredible what i feel.
Can any of you explain this to me? I don't know what it is. I've heard alot about love, but i've been hurt believing that it was love before.
Somehow, this time, things are different. We have an understanding. i mean, its just something special. we really love each other with our heart and soul. and we want to protect each other. we wan't to in each other's arms. that's how much.
i love him. nothing could be better than this.
He's everything I've ever wanted in a lover. He's all i'll ever need in a freind. He's always there, right beside me and wow, it's incredible what i feel.
Can any of you explain this to me? I don't know what it is. I've heard alot about love, but i've been hurt believing that it was love before.
Somehow, this time, things are different. We have an understanding. i mean, its just something special. we really love each other with our heart and soul. and we want to protect each other. we wan't to in each other's arms. that's how much.
i love him. nothing could be better than this.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Joyeux Anniversaire!
That's French for Happy Birthday! And to none other than Moi.
I'm finally sixteen. I'm just hoping it's as sweet as they make it to be!
It was a pretty good day. Most of my friends called. A handful of them completely forgot, but hey, forgiveness is my thing.
Got a bunch of cute stuff as well. My friends can be so sweet when they want to! If they carried on like that the whole year, this world would be a better place.
I got all the sweetest cards from my best friends, with these poems for me (because they know how much I love poetry) and all these funny thoughts and things.
And my dearest love(sound nice, calling him that!) gave me something that I've been wanting for a while now. Pictures of him!! What a perfect birthday treat. Now I get to gape at him the whole time. And he also got me this absolutely ADORABLE card that's to die for. Seriously.
Anyway now onto something else. No, it's not going to be the whole mish-mash of "oh no, I'm getting older by the year". (sort of obvious don't you think?)
Well, I was thinking, does the whole "birthday love" fade? I mean you're always treated extra special for your birthday right? but we know its not just about that one day. I mean, other than an opportunity to throw a party, exploit your friends and their wallets, and get reminded you're going to conk off a bit sooner, a birthday doesn't really have a deeper resemblance, does it? I always wonder, if there's something under all this rush.
In fact, life's just like one big birthday party right? There are a bunch of people around. Some you know too well, some you met two weeks ago, some that u don't really like, but you invited them anyway, just to be nice.(aren't you the sweetest?) All the poeple that make your life good, bad and ugly.
There could be a bunch of balloons(your parents' idea: they think you're still three). Things that make you feel like flying, but u never know when they're going to pop and bring you crashing down.
What about the birthday song? Everyone sings in a semi-drawl and though it doesn't really sound too great, its nice because you know that all these people; the fact that they're here, singing for you means that you have people in this world that someday you can ask for help, and they wouldn't mind as much as the odd guy across the street.
There's the birthday cake, of course with all those candles melting over it. The big goal of your life. One you've been working toward most of your life. There were alot of those "melting candles" spilling wax all over it, and occasionally ruining everything. but only on the surface. and with all the hardwork you've put in, (with a hand once in a while from balloon-loving parents, freinds and family) finally you have it all right in front of you.
Oh and don't forget the food. What everyone really came here for. The food. So what does the food signify? Well, to me food is always just that. Hey, people need nutrition!
There are the parting gifts. "Thanks for coming, here's something for you." Well, everyone has worked their way through the whole party, as you would in life and so for that, you get your little gift. Some peace of mind that though you did things right and you did things wrong and the right have got you this far. And now its time to take a back seat and let life unfold.
And there you are, thinking man, it all got over too soon. But you say, "Hey, nothing lasts forever" and sit back, reflect, and relax.
You smile to yourself wondering whether you'd ever get a second chance at hosting that party, at inviting the people you invited, at picking the cake you wanted. Well, party's over folks. No turning back now. That's life isn't it?
Hey, I just brought something thoughtful out of this whole birthday nonsense. Wait, don't tell me your thinking, "so are you saying all this isn't nonsense?" well, it's like making something out of nothing. I feel more content now. Everyone should be this nice more often. Except him of course, he's always nice. I wouldn't change him for the world.
If I die tomorrow, I'd say I would have died happier than most people.
I'm finally sixteen. I'm just hoping it's as sweet as they make it to be!
It was a pretty good day. Most of my friends called. A handful of them completely forgot, but hey, forgiveness is my thing.
Got a bunch of cute stuff as well. My friends can be so sweet when they want to! If they carried on like that the whole year, this world would be a better place.
I got all the sweetest cards from my best friends, with these poems for me (because they know how much I love poetry) and all these funny thoughts and things.
And my dearest love(sound nice, calling him that!) gave me something that I've been wanting for a while now. Pictures of him!! What a perfect birthday treat. Now I get to gape at him the whole time. And he also got me this absolutely ADORABLE card that's to die for. Seriously.
Anyway now onto something else. No, it's not going to be the whole mish-mash of "oh no, I'm getting older by the year". (sort of obvious don't you think?)
Well, I was thinking, does the whole "birthday love" fade? I mean you're always treated extra special for your birthday right? but we know its not just about that one day. I mean, other than an opportunity to throw a party, exploit your friends and their wallets, and get reminded you're going to conk off a bit sooner, a birthday doesn't really have a deeper resemblance, does it? I always wonder, if there's something under all this rush.
In fact, life's just like one big birthday party right? There are a bunch of people around. Some you know too well, some you met two weeks ago, some that u don't really like, but you invited them anyway, just to be nice.(aren't you the sweetest?) All the poeple that make your life good, bad and ugly.
There could be a bunch of balloons(your parents' idea: they think you're still three). Things that make you feel like flying, but u never know when they're going to pop and bring you crashing down.
What about the birthday song? Everyone sings in a semi-drawl and though it doesn't really sound too great, its nice because you know that all these people; the fact that they're here, singing for you means that you have people in this world that someday you can ask for help, and they wouldn't mind as much as the odd guy across the street.
There's the birthday cake, of course with all those candles melting over it. The big goal of your life. One you've been working toward most of your life. There were alot of those "melting candles" spilling wax all over it, and occasionally ruining everything. but only on the surface. and with all the hardwork you've put in, (with a hand once in a while from balloon-loving parents, freinds and family) finally you have it all right in front of you.
Oh and don't forget the food. What everyone really came here for. The food. So what does the food signify? Well, to me food is always just that. Hey, people need nutrition!
There are the parting gifts. "Thanks for coming, here's something for you." Well, everyone has worked their way through the whole party, as you would in life and so for that, you get your little gift. Some peace of mind that though you did things right and you did things wrong and the right have got you this far. And now its time to take a back seat and let life unfold.
And there you are, thinking man, it all got over too soon. But you say, "Hey, nothing lasts forever" and sit back, reflect, and relax.
You smile to yourself wondering whether you'd ever get a second chance at hosting that party, at inviting the people you invited, at picking the cake you wanted. Well, party's over folks. No turning back now. That's life isn't it?
Hey, I just brought something thoughtful out of this whole birthday nonsense. Wait, don't tell me your thinking, "so are you saying all this isn't nonsense?" well, it's like making something out of nothing. I feel more content now. Everyone should be this nice more often. Except him of course, he's always nice. I wouldn't change him for the world.
If I die tomorrow, I'd say I would have died happier than most people.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
And She Returns
Well, my exams are over, for the time being. But soon another set are going to start(in about 2 weeks). I guess this is what being in tenth is like anyway.
Last week, I had my basketball coaching camp. It was really tiring, because we had to play extra hard since it was selection week. I'm on my school team. It's a lot of fun, but like I said before, just really tiring. I've got a terrible body ache right now. But I'd do anything for basketball.
School is going on monotonously. I do my arts major in dance, so today I got about an hour or so practicing my dance. Again, tiring, but well worth it. Dance really brings out a lot of emotion.
Everything else is fine.
And for the most important thing in my life, he's as wonderful as ever. I'm more in love with him now, than I ever was. We really have so much fun together, just laughing and acting like children, or singing out loud, or just being ourselves. He's got all of me.
See you soon.
Last week, I had my basketball coaching camp. It was really tiring, because we had to play extra hard since it was selection week. I'm on my school team. It's a lot of fun, but like I said before, just really tiring. I've got a terrible body ache right now. But I'd do anything for basketball.
School is going on monotonously. I do my arts major in dance, so today I got about an hour or so practicing my dance. Again, tiring, but well worth it. Dance really brings out a lot of emotion.
Everything else is fine.
And for the most important thing in my life, he's as wonderful as ever. I'm more in love with him now, than I ever was. We really have so much fun together, just laughing and acting like children, or singing out loud, or just being ourselves. He's got all of me.
See you soon.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Tied Up
Exams have arrived. Those horrid imposing things that asses our knowledge; inevitable in student life, like death to a man.
the dreaded week is this. And I have to drag myself to that study table everyday to study. Inescapable exams.
well, I must accept the reality. So, for the next week, I bid you all good bye. I'll be back with news soon enough. Wish me luck!
the dreaded week is this. And I have to drag myself to that study table everyday to study. Inescapable exams.
well, I must accept the reality. So, for the next week, I bid you all good bye. I'll be back with news soon enough. Wish me luck!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Thinking...
I feel pensive. I am thoughtful. These thought are not sane. They are not specific. My mind is wandering like a leaf floats with the wind. Aimless, submissive to surroundings and dreamy. I am letting the wind carry me and my thoughts.
I want to go far far away. I want to lie down on soft clover and look up at a cloudless sky. But no, in this busy life, where is the time for sleeping on clover? Just taking a minute off to think might lead us to sleep on concrete instead. Time is of the essence. Things are always happening too fast. I must run to keep pace. Everyone must run. No wonder they call it the rat race.
I take a minute, just a minute, to sit down. To think. I might lag behind in the race, but at least I wouldn't trip on the strings of pressure around my limbs that I need to loosen.
I think of my life, in the past two months. Too much has happened. I hardly blinked, and I was swept away by this tornado that is life. Ah, but change is welcome. Change is variety.
I'm not complaining; life is treating me well. I only want to think about it all. My decisions, my work, my carelessness, the smiles, the sighs of relief, the unexpected surprises...
I am trying to think about all this. But it looks like my head is overflowing with him. Nothing else. Just him, his ways, his words, his smile. I must be going insane again.
tell me, is this love? Is this what they all talk about?
I want to go far far away. I want to lie down on soft clover and look up at a cloudless sky. But no, in this busy life, where is the time for sleeping on clover? Just taking a minute off to think might lead us to sleep on concrete instead. Time is of the essence. Things are always happening too fast. I must run to keep pace. Everyone must run. No wonder they call it the rat race.
I take a minute, just a minute, to sit down. To think. I might lag behind in the race, but at least I wouldn't trip on the strings of pressure around my limbs that I need to loosen.
I think of my life, in the past two months. Too much has happened. I hardly blinked, and I was swept away by this tornado that is life. Ah, but change is welcome. Change is variety.
I'm not complaining; life is treating me well. I only want to think about it all. My decisions, my work, my carelessness, the smiles, the sighs of relief, the unexpected surprises...
I am trying to think about all this. But it looks like my head is overflowing with him. Nothing else. Just him, his ways, his words, his smile. I must be going insane again.
tell me, is this love? Is this what they all talk about?
Sunday, June 18, 2006
James.
Today was special.
Today was Metallica marathon.
I've decided on something..
JAMES HETFIELD IS THE HOTTEST MAN ALIVE!
*DROOL*
:P
Today was Metallica marathon.
I've decided on something..
JAMES HETFIELD IS THE HOTTEST MAN ALIVE!
*DROOL*
:P
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Why I can't do what I want
I love to write. It's the only way I can honestly express myself. Everyone has their own passion don't they? Well, mine is writing.
remember when you were a kid and your parents friends ask you, "What do you want to be when you grow up? A doctor? An engineer?" I shunned the thought of being a doctor. The simple thought of blood made me nauseous. As far as being an engineer was concerned, everyone around me wanted to be an enginner. I never wanted what everyone else did.
" want to be a free spirit. I want to be unique. I want to do what i love. I want to be artistic" This was my answer to their questions. If i had expressed my feelings, they would have looked at me as if i was elvis back from his grave.
I kept writing, and as i grew older, i knew what i wanted. I wanted to be a journalist. It involved the things i enjoy: writing, travel and perhaps fame?
There is just one small problem. My parents when i was younger said, "be more focussed." Now they say, "keep your options open."
I really want to be a writer or journalist, now more that ever. But it seems, they have planned a different life for me. One with a degree in engineering, a job as a software engineer or an IFS officer, and happily married (arranged by them of course) with two kids(courstey my mother).
Yes, i am supposed to live a life they wanted to live. Not one i want to.
But i will think about my future. Maybe i'm too young to make my own decisions. That is what they seem to be implying anyway.
We'll see how it all goes.
remember when you were a kid and your parents friends ask you, "What do you want to be when you grow up? A doctor? An engineer?" I shunned the thought of being a doctor. The simple thought of blood made me nauseous. As far as being an engineer was concerned, everyone around me wanted to be an enginner. I never wanted what everyone else did.
" want to be a free spirit. I want to be unique. I want to do what i love. I want to be artistic" This was my answer to their questions. If i had expressed my feelings, they would have looked at me as if i was elvis back from his grave.
I kept writing, and as i grew older, i knew what i wanted. I wanted to be a journalist. It involved the things i enjoy: writing, travel and perhaps fame?
There is just one small problem. My parents when i was younger said, "be more focussed." Now they say, "keep your options open."
I really want to be a writer or journalist, now more that ever. But it seems, they have planned a different life for me. One with a degree in engineering, a job as a software engineer or an IFS officer, and happily married (arranged by them of course) with two kids(courstey my mother).
Yes, i am supposed to live a life they wanted to live. Not one i want to.
But i will think about my future. Maybe i'm too young to make my own decisions. That is what they seem to be implying anyway.
We'll see how it all goes.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Nothing Else Matters
Nothing Else Matters... it's one of those songs that are so absolutely beautiful. I'm a great fan of Metallica, but this song has so much meaning, and so muchexpression. I love it. It hold a significance in my life, because it's the first song I sung with him. And its the first song he sang to me. It's my favourite love song.
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters
never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know and I know
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters
never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know and I know
So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters
Sunday, June 04, 2006
The End of my freedom.
Tomorrow is the first day of school, for the new academic year. I'm going to the tenth. If you're an Indian, and you're reading this, I bet you're going, "oh boy, she's in tenth,. She really needs to buck up now" if you didn't go like that, either you have no concern for people stepping into the unknown black hole that is the tenth board exams, or you are completely ignorant about the educational system of your country.
anyway, my two-month summer vacation is over. Today is the last day of the best two months I'll have in a while. My tenth will begin tomorrow, and my life will be smothered with grandma mentioning, "no more playing this year" dad and mom forcing me to "get focused", teachers with the more that occasional "time to get serious" juniors looking at me in awe that I dared to pass my ninth and mean seniors smirking, "u wait and see.."
but I wont listen to them. I will get through tenth like everyone before me. I'll be fine. Right?
I hope so.
my school bag is packed. My uniform is ironed. My shoes are shiny. Now all I need to work on is getting through this year!
I'm so nervous. What if my class has all these creeps in it? What if I trip when I walk into class? What if my teachers a freaky psychotic warlord? What if my ex-boyfriend passes rumors about me? What if I forget my name? What if I can't study anything because I'm so stupid? Oh no! What if I become stupid?
I need help.
I need to be calm, collected.
breathe.
breathe.....
wish me luck!!!
hope everything comes out ok
anyway, my two-month summer vacation is over. Today is the last day of the best two months I'll have in a while. My tenth will begin tomorrow, and my life will be smothered with grandma mentioning, "no more playing this year" dad and mom forcing me to "get focused", teachers with the more that occasional "time to get serious" juniors looking at me in awe that I dared to pass my ninth and mean seniors smirking, "u wait and see.."
but I wont listen to them. I will get through tenth like everyone before me. I'll be fine. Right?
I hope so.
my school bag is packed. My uniform is ironed. My shoes are shiny. Now all I need to work on is getting through this year!
I'm so nervous. What if my class has all these creeps in it? What if I trip when I walk into class? What if my teachers a freaky psychotic warlord? What if my ex-boyfriend passes rumors about me? What if I forget my name? What if I can't study anything because I'm so stupid? Oh no! What if I become stupid?
I need help.
I need to be calm, collected.
breathe.
breathe.....
wish me luck!!!
hope everything comes out ok
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
What is Happening???
Wow. I'm in such a good mood today for some reasoni don't know..haven't got much mail from him. Actually no mail from him.but I know he's thinking of me . I just do. Like intuition. I know thateven though he's so far away.and even though I haven't seen him in a month,even though he told me about the pretty French girl sitting next to himeven though I'm not the prettiest or the smartest girl in the worldI know that he loves me for who I am, no matter where we are.it may be stupid to think that. It may be downright foolish. My friend asked me whether he could be staring at the French girl and thinking about her. But somehow, I have this feeling in my heart, I'm my head, all around me that it's me he's thinking about. And that it's me he wants to come back to.maybe its the words he says to me, woven like a tapestry with yarn of golden truth. Or maybe its the way he says my name. The way his voice flows through me like a crystal river, refreshing me.I can't fathom how something like this could happen to me. And I doubt whether I deserve it. But its happening. My senses have been taken over.is this love? I thought I knew what falling in love was like. But this was so new...And so unpredictable, yet so comfortable. Being with him is like being wrapped up in a quilt when all around you is a raging storm. He gives me a sense of belonging. I used to be the "wacko". Now I have some company.we're so alike.and I know that the miles won't stop him loving me as much as I love him.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Stripped
Disappointed. Unsatisfied. Probed. Revealed. Untrusting. Saddened. Lost. Frustrated.
my feelings at this moment.
If u write in a diary, you would know how bad it would feel for someone to read it.
for me, my diary was my life. It still is. It is my ultimate refuge. A treasure chest of every feeling I've felt. It is me.
one of my very good friends one day, happened to stumble Upon it. And understandably enough, she had to open it. She had to read its hidden contents. She had to know my mind. My mind, which only I was entitled to know. To make it worse, she read it with one of her friends, who thoroughly hates me. To know that someone who I hardly know, who I don't like, read me is heartbreaking. The day I found out, I went into my room. Looked at my diary..And felt stripped of my innermost feelings.
it hurt me so much, that I just lay on my bed and cried for a whole hour. I was so depressed.
but Shalini said sorry. And I didn't show to her how horrid I felt inside. I just smiled and told her it was ok. I genuinely liked her, and I dint want to fight with her. So it passed.
until the other day, she makes yet another confession. She has read this Blog. And well, this was my private Blog. One that is public only to people who don't know me. People who wouldn't use this information against me. But she did. Without asking me.
and that is why I feel disappointed. Unsatisfied. Probed. Revealed. Untrusting. Saddened. Lost. Frustrated.
maybe, someday I will forgive. Maybe even forget. But my feelings at this moment are true.
I will not make this mistake again.
my feelings at this moment.
If u write in a diary, you would know how bad it would feel for someone to read it.
for me, my diary was my life. It still is. It is my ultimate refuge. A treasure chest of every feeling I've felt. It is me.
one of my very good friends one day, happened to stumble Upon it. And understandably enough, she had to open it. She had to read its hidden contents. She had to know my mind. My mind, which only I was entitled to know. To make it worse, she read it with one of her friends, who thoroughly hates me. To know that someone who I hardly know, who I don't like, read me is heartbreaking. The day I found out, I went into my room. Looked at my diary..And felt stripped of my innermost feelings.
it hurt me so much, that I just lay on my bed and cried for a whole hour. I was so depressed.
but Shalini said sorry. And I didn't show to her how horrid I felt inside. I just smiled and told her it was ok. I genuinely liked her, and I dint want to fight with her. So it passed.
until the other day, she makes yet another confession. She has read this Blog. And well, this was my private Blog. One that is public only to people who don't know me. People who wouldn't use this information against me. But she did. Without asking me.
and that is why I feel disappointed. Unsatisfied. Probed. Revealed. Untrusting. Saddened. Lost. Frustrated.
maybe, someday I will forgive. Maybe even forget. But my feelings at this moment are true.
I will not make this mistake again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
