Misunderstood?

What is happening to me? There is so much I don’t understand anymore. Just a month ago, I had the feeling I knew all about the goings on in my life. But now, I realize that I was terribly wrong.
My academic status has come down to a mere 10th rank, and I expect that to go down even lower at my current pace. I remember a time when I was one of the top 5 in my class. Now just thinking of that is taboo. All I want is a meager 85% when just a few years ago, my standards were above a 95% average. What has changed me to this? Have a found more important things in life? I’ve been trying to answer that question, and as you would probably have guessed, it is a yes. I have found new things that matter to me more than grades in school.
I began to realize the importance of my relationships with people. Even now, I struggle sometimes to maintain them. I have to make a genuine effort at certain occasions to cement the bonds I share with the people around me. And yet, it seems that these are slowly fading away into time. My friends, I sometimes do not know if they are trustworthy; and I doubt my capabilities as a good friend. What am I to them all, but a grain in the sands of time?
My fears are overwhelming me. I have never feared so many things in life. I fear even the thought of death. It’s so inevitable, so unavoidable, I have seen it happen enough and yet, my knees knock when I think of the day I leave forever. No, I was wrong. This world is not unreal. It is the only reality I know, and sometimes even though I need escape, I am terrified by that time that I would escape forever. I fear losing things that are dear to me.
I think of the love I have inside me. I’m afraid that one day, all these feelings I have for him are going to be wrecked, blocked. I’m dreading the day, for someday it might dawn on me, when I have to say goodbye. I can’t bear to think of a situation where I am devoid of his support. It scares me to death to think there could be a time when we are alone, and without each other, with no way of reconciling. I cry just imagining life without him. I don’t want to lose him. I want to stay in his arms forever. Why do my fears overwhelm me? When I confide in someone I trust, it seems as though it is all just paranoia. For a little while, I shun them as though they are the childish rants of a lunatic. But when I am alone, my fears return to haunt me. They shake me. I don’t understand all of them and I don’t even know why I am scared of certain things. But the weakness of my mind has succumbed to them. Uneasiness takes over me sometimes, despite the interspersed cheer and joy I find in life.
Am I being too critical of my environment? Probably so; but I find peace in re-thinking about my mistakes and of estimating the problems around me. I don’t really know why. Though, in my lack of understanding, I also find a comfort within myself. A comfort that says ultimately, I am the only one who completely knows me. To everyone else, though they may not realize it, this young, confused, bubbly girl will always be a mystery.