Friday, December 21, 2007

The trough in the wave

My crest has peaked. The trough has begun its descent. the smiles will slowly dim until i cry again. story of my life: crests and troughs. and now, it's trough time baby. I'm all set.
exams were horrible. i didn't study a thing, and well now i know that if you don't study, don't hope on acing your exams. it's simple logic really, but then again the simplest things take a long time to hit me. well i guess the next unit test I'll do better. doubt it though. somehow studying seems such a waste of time right now. whether i like it or not, in less than 5 months i will have to start studying, for the big evil board exams would be near. but now, they're not. so why study? shouldn't i take a break before i have to burn the midnight oil just to get into a good college? yes, this time, just for these next two exams, I'm going to chuck studies. I'm going to have some fun, if it's the last thing i do. it might be the last time i have any carefree fun. I'm going to do what i want this year. I'm going to read novels, paint, make crafty things, dream, sleep and generally live it up. just this once, let studies be out of my mind.
the love of my life is going away. it depresses me. it scares me. it's weird how I'm so attached to this guy that i feel like if he's not there there's really nothing i have to look forward to. it's like my whole time in school has revolved around him and now suddenly the thought of him leaving makes me feel empty. and I'm so in love with this guy i can't even believe it. I'm doing things, thinking things, saying things that i would never normally say. I'm believing that love really makes like wonderful. what i hope is that when he's not around so much anymore, I'll learn to live without seeing him and talking to him all the time. till now, i felt so suffocated if i couldn't talk to him properly because it was only him that i could say anything to. but maybe i can learn. maybe we can both learn to bear the distance, and still keep love alive in us. maybe it will make us stronger. that's what i hope.
my friends are so oddly connected to each other. one of them hurts the other, one ignores the other, another pair hates each other. they're all my friends, then why can't they all be friends with each other? it pains me to have to choose sometimes between my friends and pick sides. like when we get together, who do i go with? it's really frustrating because i love all of them, i want to be with all of them, and they just cannot get along. to think we were all such good friends once.
it is from my friends that i realised love doesn't necessarily have to be constructive. it can have terrible consequences. love can break friendships, it can make you cry, it can force you to give up. i don't know ow hard it is to be on the receiving side of painful love, because i found someone who means the world to me and i to him. but it isn't the same for everyone is it? maybe my turn is coming round, who knows. i can't agree with anyone and say yes, love sucks. don't fall in love. because to me it's so beautiful. but i can't disagree and say love is always a joyride. it's not. love demands a hefty price.
and so as i find little things that scare me, tire me, irritate me, i know that it's time for the part of the cycle where I'm going to be a little more upset than happy. but I'm ready for it. I'm taking it head on, without fear. wish me luck