Question of my life.

What do i do?
Is it that i am never satisfied with my life or that i am just entirely clueless? I'm always asking this question to myself. and occasionally it's "what now?" which is the same thing.

So here's the problem: I want him. More importantly and i think more undesirably, i need him. I have him. and you're saying so, what was that problem you were talking about?
well, imagine two people standing across a street. there are so many cars flashing by, they can't cross. They're stuck standing there, wanting so badly to get to the other side, to the other person. The traffic makes it almost impossible to even see each other. But they know the other person will wait at that spot till it's OK to cross.
Well, that's us. We have everything we need inside. And the outside is negating it all. People always saying NO.
Is he willing to wait that long? Am I? Or more rightly, Should we? How can i let him wait like that for me? How can i do that to him. Maybe i need to just close my eyes and bear the pain of losing him, for his good.
I knew i was a disaster, and look what I've done this time. what to do? what to do?