Going Down Deep

Long time since I wrote. Quite a bit has happened. My life has taken its toll. Everything has crashed. Nothing makes sense anymore. Sometimes I feel suicidal, sometimes murderous. most times, I am hopeless.
He is too far away. They have pulled him away from me. When I say they, I mean practically everyone. Our parents, our teachers, the circumstances, they all work against us. It tires me to keep fighting against the current. So I let myself flow with it. I bore the searing pain of having to stay away from him.Our words came like dust. Our eyes stopped trying so hard to communicate. Why? Because we're not allowed. We're not supposed to love or to hold. Not now, probably not ever. It's shattering me. I can't stand the distance any more. I can't bear to see the sadness in his eyes. It's impossible not to love him, and even harder to try and forget this love. I wouldn't dare try. I would never forgive myself if this got lost in my memories, without a fight.
One day, it dawned on me. It hit me that if I keep going with the flow of time, our love will have slipped through my fingers and I would regret it forever. and then I decided, I'm not going to let go. I'm never letting go of him. No one can make me change my mind. This means too much to my life. I need his love. mostly, I need him by my side.
The fact that the one person I could always run to for comfort can't be there anymore has made me even more dependant on him. Academically, I seem to be doing pretty well, but it doesn't even excite me anymore. Fewer people are pointing fingers at me because they don't see us together anymore. Maybe I can convince them that this love is not destructive.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But we know that we love each other so very much. We wouldn't stop holding on until all hope is lost. Maybe even without hope, we would still stay by each other. Only time can tell, what fate awaits us. After all, destiny can't have a chink in its chain.

Spoke Too Soon

Look at the date. Friday the 13th. Great. The Last time I wrote, my life seemed perfect. Now it seems far from it. Have the stars not aligned right? Is it karma? Is it my fate? Ah, who knows. What has happened has, and now I will write about it. My way of dealing with emotion is that.
God, sometimes things get really out of hand. Yesterday was one of those really uneasy days. My first stomach-clenching experience was with the Principal of our school. She wanted to tell me something people had been noticing lately. Remember, this is Kerala. People need very little to talk, especially if it's about teen relationships. She wanted to tell me to be extremely careful what signs I give off in school, concerning my relationship with him. She wants me to stop being so close to him. She told me I must not give room for people to talk of me. I can hear their whispers in the corridor's, I see their knowing smiles. It is as if what I am doing, falling in love with the most amazing guy on earth, is the greatest sin.
she is the one walking around with that boy. What nerve she has to have a relationship with a senior! What is happening to our children? It's girls like these that we need less of.
they will not understand why I "walk around with that boy". These people don't believe in love, until you are married. They feel that a girl must love the boy her parents choose. Can she not choose the one who understands her most? NO. Especially not in school.
I love him. What they say will not change us. We will become stronger over their accusations.

Basketball is going rather pathetically at the moment. We scraped a win on Thursday and lost the finals of a local tournament yesterday. Our next tournament starts in a few days. God knows how we will do for that. Somehow, winning seems to be the last of my worries. Basketball at least keeps my mind off my problems for a while.

I need help. I have only him today. I need only him. I just hope that the world would leave us alone, to fall in love in peace. We just want to be ourselves.

Sense and Sensibility

Life is just great right now. It seems like everything around me is beautiful. I wonder what brought about the change. Oh wait, I know. Yeah, there's only one answer. Him. These days it seems like he's the only thing in my mind. The only person I want to talk about, the only one I want to be with.
M friends are all getting tired of hearing about him, but I don't care. He's the only thing that matters to me now. It's weird that something like this is even happening to me. But it feels great. It feels incredibly right.
I don't want to leave him. I want to hold him in my arms and stay there forever. I want to kiss his soft lips over and over again. I love him so much. I don't knew what else to say. It's all I think about. Our love, and it's amazing depth. I don't want to stop falling in love with him.
God, I pray to you to keep us safe.

So It Continues...

Last week was as good as the one before. Again, after school we both had practice for basketball, and music. Now having lunch together is becoming an everyday thing for us. I'm afraid I've gotten so used to being with him, that I won't be able to keep up if he doesn't stay back in school with me. Anyway, like last week, this one was also bittersweet. A lot of crap went on all around me. I fought with my friends, I cried, I got yelled at by my coach, I never finished my homework on time, etc, etc.
but as always, someone was there to get me through. Yeah, you guessed it, it was him. He was there all along to make every day better than I thought it was. So at the end of each day all I'd say was, "things could have been so much worse if he wasn't there."
His hug is the most comforting thing on the planet. For me, his arms are the safest place. If I am with him, I know nothing can go wrong. We will hold on, together. He is the one who gives me strength. He is the one who holds me close. He is the one who loves me exactly how i want to be loved. he is the only one i want to spend my life with.

What A Week It Has Been!

One of the most eventful weeks of my life it was, last week. It was bittersweet, but the good surprisingly overcame the bad.
basketball coaching had begun and was in full swing. We had practice everyday of the week(and still do). It was exhilarating. Playing basketball is always therapeutic to me. But it does have its cons. The biggest one being that it consumed a lot of my time. I barely finished my homework on time. I didn't have time for much else. By the time I got back home, I was spent. Nonetheless, it has been fun. It's all good when it's basketball.
the best part about last week was that when I had practice in school for basketball, he had practice in school for music. This meant one big thing: together, after school. Now, we're not exactly 'allowed' to be together(thanks to our parents being typical Keralites) so some time at school is all we usually get. But last week meant having lunch together everyday, hanging out in between practice, and even a few moments all alone. Just being with him was enough to have me dreaming all through the day. Those accidental brushes we had were so full of meaning, that only we understood. His hands are incredibly soft. (yeah, I was lucky enough to have felt them!!) and they look like they can do a hell lot of magic. But we know our limits. (don't think we're some crazy kids trying to get physical) it's way more than that. It's not about how close we are standing, it's about how closely we understand each other. That's one of the biggest reasons I love him so much. Whatever it is that happens, no matter how embarrassing are the things I've done, he's always there to say "it's ok, that's not what really counts." just his presence comforts me. And he's always, ALWAYS there to listen. When I feel like crying my heart out he says, "don't worry, everyone cries. It's going to be ok. I'm here."
I love who he is, not just to me; but what he is inside. It just surprises me how one person can make such a difference in my life. And more so that somehow, it mean the same to him.
every day I have more reason to spend the rest of my life with him. All I wish is that we'll be together like this till the end.

What's wrong?

Whats the problem with my blog? no-one seems to be reaidng it in this vast interent community. come on people, do my efforts some justice!!! just check it out and tell me what u think! why else would i start this unless it was to find other people who have similar experiences to mine and also to find critics for my writing?
tell your freinds, and read my blog you guys. tell me how i can improve too. i have a feeling it's too plain. tell me what u guys think ok?
see ya

Misunderstood?

What is happening to me? There is so much I don’t understand anymore. Just a month ago, I had the feeling I knew all about the goings on in my life. But now, I realize that I was terribly wrong.
My academic status has come down to a mere 10th rank, and I expect that to go down even lower at my current pace. I remember a time when I was one of the top 5 in my class. Now just thinking of that is taboo. All I want is a meager 85% when just a few years ago, my standards were above a 95% average. What has changed me to this? Have a found more important things in life? I’ve been trying to answer that question, and as you would probably have guessed, it is a yes. I have found new things that matter to me more than grades in school.
I began to realize the importance of my relationships with people. Even now, I struggle sometimes to maintain them. I have to make a genuine effort at certain occasions to cement the bonds I share with the people around me. And yet, it seems that these are slowly fading away into time. My friends, I sometimes do not know if they are trustworthy; and I doubt my capabilities as a good friend. What am I to them all, but a grain in the sands of time?
My fears are overwhelming me. I have never feared so many things in life. I fear even the thought of death. It’s so inevitable, so unavoidable, I have seen it happen enough and yet, my knees knock when I think of the day I leave forever. No, I was wrong. This world is not unreal. It is the only reality I know, and sometimes even though I need escape, I am terrified by that time that I would escape forever. I fear losing things that are dear to me.
I think of the love I have inside me. I’m afraid that one day, all these feelings I have for him are going to be wrecked, blocked. I’m dreading the day, for someday it might dawn on me, when I have to say goodbye. I can’t bear to think of a situation where I am devoid of his support. It scares me to death to think there could be a time when we are alone, and without each other, with no way of reconciling. I cry just imagining life without him. I don’t want to lose him. I want to stay in his arms forever. Why do my fears overwhelm me? When I confide in someone I trust, it seems as though it is all just paranoia. For a little while, I shun them as though they are the childish rants of a lunatic. But when I am alone, my fears return to haunt me. They shake me. I don’t understand all of them and I don’t even know why I am scared of certain things. But the weakness of my mind has succumbed to them. Uneasiness takes over me sometimes, despite the interspersed cheer and joy I find in life.
Am I being too critical of my environment? Probably so; but I find peace in re-thinking about my mistakes and of estimating the problems around me. I don’t really know why. Though, in my lack of understanding, I also find a comfort within myself. A comfort that says ultimately, I am the only one who completely knows me. To everyone else, though they may not realize it, this young, confused, bubbly girl will always be a mystery.

Hate School? Join the Club.

My Onam holidays are over. It's a depressing realization that I have to go back to that horrible place on Monday. School Sucks. It's H-E-L-L. I can't stand school. Here's why:

1. I'm in the tenth. The beginning of the toughest years of CBSE education. I have nothing to look forward to in my 11th and 12th, from what I've heard. All I have up ahead is a tons of studying, a lot of mugging, maybe a little learning, and a whole lot of crap from teachers and parents. Great.

2. I don't enjoy hanging out with my batch anymore. I was never a loner, but these past few months, my entire batch just sickness me. How they go around with each other and how they look like they're not studying but in truth they are. They're always out partying or hanging out and enjoying themselves. Hey that's great! But I'm just not interested anymore. The whole teenage flirting and freaking out has been a little toned down for me lately.

3. There are exams every three weeks. Midterms, Half -yearlys, third terms, models, and how could I forget the fabulous boards. In all, we have 8 sets of exams in a span of 10 months. And then there's Internal assessments, projects, vivas, practicals, what not. If u find that hard to believe, obviously you're not Indian.

4. Basketball season starts next week. It's great to play basketball, but that is just going to mean more missing classes, more staying back at school for practice, more time lost. More work and less energy.

5. My Half-yearly exam results will be out. Now, unlike everyone around me, my academic capabilities aren't at their peak right now. I've been failing myself a lot these days. So the one thing I'm dreading is returning to horrid school to see my grades. What a great way to start the new term(sarcasm).

Somebody tell me there's hope!!!

Hyderabad

Last week, being Onam in Kerala, I took a trip to hyderabad with my family. There was my mom, dad, brother, my aunt, uncle and cousins. We joined other cousins in Hyderabad.
It was a great trip. And a nice city at that.
Surprisingly we didn't shop much. i got some good perfume for myself. but other than that, a trip to the chudi baazaar and the joothi store, there wasn't much. Well, we also got some pearl jewellery, since hyderabad is supposed to be the 'city of pearls'.
We, like typical tourists, went to the historical places like the Char Minar, and Golconda fort and visited a couple of meusems. We got to see the Nizam's Jewels, which showcased the exquisite Jacob's diamond. Historically, i'm alot smarter now.
The great highlight was the food. My aunt, being the excellent cook tat she is, had us full to the brim for the entire holiday. The andhra biriyani was absolutely amazing; the kebabs irresistable. We ate at all the local joints and relished every local delight. I stuffed myself till i could no more. I'm just greatful my metablism compensates for it.
We really bonded as a family. We're already planning our next vacation. It's great fun to get together like this. None of us had any inhibitions because we were all close to each other. I guess it's true when they say family is always something different. It's a separate sort of conncetion. you can hate each other to death sometimes but ultimately, you stick together. That was the positive outcome of our vacation together, the 12 of us. we have all got to know each toher better and the next time we get together there would be fewer misunderstandings, more laughs and we'd have a bigger blast than the last.


To Family.

Unfriendly

Sometimes the world is the last place you want to be. This world is everything that you hate, sometimes. That time is now for me. I cannot stand being here. I cannot take any more of this suffocation. I hate everything about this materialistic, monotonous madness.
My parents are being very much like themselves. They are not content with what I do. They do not trust my capabilities. They do not support my decisions. And I am the only one at fault. I am the innocent fool. I am the easily flattered child. I am the careless disappointer. I wish they were not a part of me. Or more appropriately, sometimes I wish I was not a part of them. I don't mean to say they are bad people, or bad parents. No. I will always be at fault.
My friends could not care less. Who are my friends? Where are they? They are far away. Too far to hear my suffocated thoughts, or feel my dry tears on their skin. I trust them. I love them. But now, I need them not. They are not the ones who I want to share these thoughts with. They are the ones sitting in coffee houses, enjoying themselves; while I lie in my bed, numb to this unreal world.
My love. Though he is not here physically, I know we share a bond; unbreakable. But I can't take it anymore. I can't bear the distance. We are so very close. I can feel him all through my mind. But I don't want us to be broken down by our distorted surroundings. It's so painful to be there, wanting so desperately to say so many things, but we can't breathe a word. Like in autumn when you're walking ahead, and the wind, sand and leaves rush at your face, rustling you and leaving you flustered. The world is our autumn wind. And they never leave us alone. I want to run away with him to a far off place, that only we know. Somewhere real. A space in time, where we can be ourselves and say all that we want to, do all that we've dreamed of. I need to escape with him to a somewhere, someday, where nothing and nobody can ever tear us apart.

Love

I'm in love. There's no other explanation. I've fallen long and hard for this guy.
He's everything I've ever wanted in a lover. He's all i'll ever need in a freind. He's always there, right beside me and wow, it's incredible what i feel.
Can any of you explain this to me? I don't know what it is. I've heard alot about love, but i've been hurt believing that it was love before.
Somehow, this time, things are different. We have an understanding. i mean, its just something special. we really love each other with our heart and soul. and we want to protect each other. we wan't to in each other's arms. that's how much.
i love him. nothing could be better than this.

Joyeux Anniversaire!

That's French for Happy Birthday! And to none other than Moi.
I'm finally sixteen. I'm just hoping it's as sweet as they make it to be!
It was a pretty good day. Most of my friends called. A handful of them completely forgot, but hey, forgiveness is my thing.
Got a bunch of cute stuff as well. My friends can be so sweet when they want to! If they carried on like that the whole year, this world would be a better place.
I got all the sweetest cards from my best friends, with these poems for me (because they know how much I love poetry) and all these funny thoughts and things.
And my dearest love(sound nice, calling him that!) gave me something that I've been wanting for a while now. Pictures of him!! What a perfect birthday treat. Now I get to gape at him the whole time. And he also got me this absolutely ADORABLE card that's to die for. Seriously.
Anyway now onto something else. No, it's not going to be the whole mish-mash of "oh no, I'm getting older by the year". (sort of obvious don't you think?)
Well, I was thinking, does the whole "birthday love" fade? I mean you're always treated extra special for your birthday right? but we know its not just about that one day. I mean, other than an opportunity to throw a party, exploit your friends and their wallets, and get reminded you're going to conk off a bit sooner, a birthday doesn't really have a deeper resemblance, does it? I always wonder, if there's something under all this rush.
In fact, life's just like one big birthday party right? There are a bunch of people around. Some you know too well, some you met two weeks ago, some that u don't really like, but you invited them anyway, just to be nice.(aren't you the sweetest?) All the poeple that make your life good, bad and ugly.
There could be a bunch of balloons(your parents' idea: they think you're still three). Things that make you feel like flying, but u never know when they're going to pop and bring you crashing down.
What about the birthday song? Everyone sings in a semi-drawl and though it doesn't really sound too great, its nice because you know that all these people; the fact that they're here, singing for you means that you have people in this world that someday you can ask for help, and they wouldn't mind as much as the odd guy across the street.
There's the birthday cake, of course with all those candles melting over it. The big goal of your life. One you've been working toward most of your life. There were alot of those "melting candles" spilling wax all over it, and occasionally ruining everything. but only on the surface. and with all the hardwork you've put in, (with a hand once in a while from balloon-loving parents, freinds and family) finally you have it all right in front of you.
Oh and don't forget the food. What everyone really came here for. The food. So what does the food signify? Well, to me food is always just that. Hey, people need nutrition!
There are the parting gifts. "Thanks for coming, here's something for you." Well, everyone has worked their way through the whole party, as you would in life and so for that, you get your little gift. Some peace of mind that though you did things right and you did things wrong and the right have got you this far. And now its time to take a back seat and let life unfold.
And there you are, thinking man, it all got over too soon. But you say, "Hey, nothing lasts forever" and sit back, reflect, and relax.
You smile to yourself wondering whether you'd ever get a second chance at hosting that party, at inviting the people you invited, at picking the cake you wanted. Well, party's over folks. No turning back now. That's life isn't it?

Hey, I just brought something thoughtful out of this whole birthday nonsense. Wait, don't tell me your thinking, "so are you saying all this isn't nonsense?" well, it's like making something out of nothing. I feel more content now. Everyone should be this nice more often. Except him of course, he's always nice. I wouldn't change him for the world.
If I die tomorrow, I'd say I would have died happier than most people.

And She Returns

Well, my exams are over, for the time being. But soon another set are going to start(in about 2 weeks). I guess this is what being in tenth is like anyway.
Last week, I had my basketball coaching camp. It was really tiring, because we had to play extra hard since it was selection week. I'm on my school team. It's a lot of fun, but like I said before, just really tiring. I've got a terrible body ache right now. But I'd do anything for basketball.
School is going on monotonously. I do my arts major in dance, so today I got about an hour or so practicing my dance. Again, tiring, but well worth it. Dance really brings out a lot of emotion.
Everything else is fine.
And for the most important thing in my life, he's as wonderful as ever. I'm more in love with him now, than I ever was. We really have so much fun together, just laughing and acting like children, or singing out loud, or just being ourselves. He's got all of me.

See you soon.

Tied Up

Exams have arrived. Those horrid imposing things that asses our knowledge; inevitable in student life, like death to a man.
the dreaded week is this. And I have to drag myself to that study table everyday to study. Inescapable exams.
well, I must accept the reality. So, for the next week, I bid you all good bye. I'll be back with news soon enough. Wish me luck!

Thinking...

I feel pensive. I am thoughtful. These thought are not sane. They are not specific. My mind is wandering like a leaf floats with the wind. Aimless, submissive to surroundings and dreamy. I am letting the wind carry me and my thoughts.
I want to go far far away. I want to lie down on soft clover and look up at a cloudless sky. But no, in this busy life, where is the time for sleeping on clover? Just taking a minute off to think might lead us to sleep on concrete instead. Time is of the essence. Things are always happening too fast. I must run to keep pace. Everyone must run. No wonder they call it the rat race.
I take a minute, just a minute, to sit down. To think. I might lag behind in the race, but at least I wouldn't trip on the strings of pressure around my limbs that I need to loosen.
I think of my life, in the past two months. Too much has happened. I hardly blinked, and I was swept away by this tornado that is life. Ah, but change is welcome. Change is variety.
I'm not complaining; life is treating me well. I only want to think about it all. My decisions, my work, my carelessness, the smiles, the sighs of relief, the unexpected surprises...
I am trying to think about all this. But it looks like my head is overflowing with him. Nothing else. Just him, his ways, his words, his smile. I must be going insane again.
tell me, is this love? Is this what they all talk about?

James.

Today was special.
Today was Metallica marathon.
I've decided on something..

JAMES HETFIELD IS THE HOTTEST MAN ALIVE!

*DROOL*

:P

Why I can't do what I want

I love to write. It's the only way I can honestly express myself. Everyone has their own passion don't they? Well, mine is writing.
remember when you were a kid and your parents friends ask you, "What do you want to be when you grow up? A doctor? An engineer?" I shunned the thought of being a doctor. The simple thought of blood made me nauseous. As far as being an engineer was concerned, everyone around me wanted to be an enginner. I never wanted what everyone else did.
" want to be a free spirit. I want to be unique. I want to do what i love. I want to be artistic" This was my answer to their questions. If i had expressed my feelings, they would have looked at me as if i was elvis back from his grave.
I kept writing, and as i grew older, i knew what i wanted. I wanted to be a journalist. It involved the things i enjoy: writing, travel and perhaps fame?
There is just one small problem. My parents when i was younger said, "be more focussed." Now they say, "keep your options open."
I really want to be a writer or journalist, now more that ever. But it seems, they have planned a different life for me. One with a degree in engineering, a job as a software engineer or an IFS officer, and happily married (arranged by them of course) with two kids(courstey my mother).
Yes, i am supposed to live a life they wanted to live. Not one i want to.
But i will think about my future. Maybe i'm too young to make my own decisions. That is what they seem to be implying anyway.
We'll see how it all goes.

Nothing Else Matters

Nothing Else Matters... it's one of those songs that are so absolutely beautiful. I'm a great fan of Metallica, but this song has so much meaning, and so muchexpression. I love it. It hold a significance in my life, because it's the first song I sung with him. And its the first song he sang to me. It's my favourite love song.

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know and I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters

The End of my freedom.

Tomorrow is the first day of school, for the new academic year. I'm going to the tenth. If you're an Indian, and you're reading this, I bet you're going, "oh boy, she's in tenth,. She really needs to buck up now" if you didn't go like that, either you have no concern for people stepping into the unknown black hole that is the tenth board exams, or you are completely ignorant about the educational system of your country.
anyway, my two-month summer vacation is over. Today is the last day of the best two months I'll have in a while. My tenth will begin tomorrow, and my life will be smothered with grandma mentioning, "no more playing this year" dad and mom forcing me to "get focused", teachers with the more that occasional "time to get serious" juniors looking at me in awe that I dared to pass my ninth and mean seniors smirking, "u wait and see.."
but I wont listen to them. I will get through tenth like everyone before me. I'll be fine. Right?
I hope so.
my school bag is packed. My uniform is ironed. My shoes are shiny. Now all I need to work on is getting through this year!
I'm so nervous. What if my class has all these creeps in it? What if I trip when I walk into class? What if my teachers a freaky psychotic warlord? What if my ex-boyfriend passes rumors about me? What if I forget my name? What if I can't study anything because I'm so stupid? Oh no! What if I become stupid?
I need help.
I need to be calm, collected.
breathe.
breathe.....
wish me luck!!!
hope everything comes out ok

What is Happening???

Wow. I'm in such a good mood today for some reasoni don't know..haven't got much mail from him. Actually no mail from him.but I know he's thinking of me . I just do. Like intuition. I know thateven though he's so far away.and even though I haven't seen him in a month,even though he told me about the pretty French girl sitting next to himeven though I'm not the prettiest or the smartest girl in the worldI know that he loves me for who I am, no matter where we are.it may be stupid to think that. It may be downright foolish. My friend asked me whether he could be staring at the French girl and thinking about her. But somehow, I have this feeling in my heart, I'm my head, all around me that it's me he's thinking about. And that it's me he wants to come back to.maybe its the words he says to me, woven like a tapestry with yarn of golden truth. Or maybe its the way he says my name. The way his voice flows through me like a crystal river, refreshing me.I can't fathom how something like this could happen to me. And I doubt whether I deserve it. But its happening. My senses have been taken over.is this love? I thought I knew what falling in love was like. But this was so new...And so unpredictable, yet so comfortable. Being with him is like being wrapped up in a quilt when all around you is a raging storm. He gives me a sense of belonging. I used to be the "wacko". Now I have some company.we're so alike.and I know that the miles won't stop him loving me as much as I love him.

Stripped

Disappointed. Unsatisfied. Probed. Revealed. Untrusting. Saddened. Lost. Frustrated.
my feelings at this moment.
If u write in a diary, you would know how bad it would feel for someone to read it.
for me, my diary was my life. It still is. It is my ultimate refuge. A treasure chest of every feeling I've felt. It is me.
one of my very good friends one day, happened to stumble Upon it. And understandably enough, she had to open it. She had to read its hidden contents. She had to know my mind. My mind, which only I was entitled to know. To make it worse, she read it with one of her friends, who thoroughly hates me. To know that someone who I hardly know, who I don't like, read me is heartbreaking. The day I found out, I went into my room. Looked at my diary..And felt stripped of my innermost feelings.
it hurt me so much, that I just lay on my bed and cried for a whole hour. I was so depressed.
but Shalini said sorry. And I didn't show to her how horrid I felt inside. I just smiled and told her it was ok. I genuinely liked her, and I dint want to fight with her. So it passed.
until the other day, she makes yet another confession. She has read this Blog. And well, this was my private Blog. One that is public only to people who don't know me. People who wouldn't use this information against me. But she did. Without asking me.
and that is why I feel disappointed. Unsatisfied. Probed. Revealed. Untrusting. Saddened. Lost. Frustrated.

maybe, someday I will forgive. Maybe even forget. But my feelings at this moment are true.
I will not make this mistake again.

Calvin

The plane is getting ready to move into the runway. Im sitting with my family, nibbling on a chocolate i bought from the Duty Free Store. I'm counting down the minutes till we land in Dubai, our destination. a grumpy Oman air stewardess comes to me. "Excuse me, but u'll have to move yourself to another seat, you're not allowed to sit near the emergency exit." i get up, with my bag of chocs and my i pod and sit wherever the hell she wants me to. i couldnt have cared less. until....
next to me i find a sort of giant. his pants say new zealnd something. so i figured hes from new zealand. hes reading enid blyton and he looks 19. oh my god, i think. and since, im bored out of my wits, i decide to see how far mr. giant goes with his childish book.
by now, the plane is speeiding down the runway... we take off and i feel a pop in my ears. the guy has horribly dirty hands. it looked like there was an insect between his nails. i look away. after a while as i happen to turn around, what do i notice, but a huge glob of earwax in his giant ear. its sortof yellowish. his body seems like a breeding post for bugs. he looks like he hasnt taken a bath in months. maybe he was on a pilgrimage. he takes out his book, tries to read and then puts it back. i think he couldnt read the word misconception. i guess he gave up on enid blyton. maybe hell move down to noddy?
when the stewardess comes to give us a snack(by the way, if u ever travel on oman air, buy loads of chocs from the duty free coz the food just PLAIN SUCKS!) neither of us ate the snack.
all of a sudden, without warning, he turns to look out the window next to me. i see his face. its a forest of pimples. its like a mountain range. theres big pimples and smal pimples and growing pimples. he turns back. and now he starts to pick on one of his zillion pimples. it pops. it bleeds. its bleeding down his forehead. he wipes the blood off with the tip of his finger. im about to throw up through all of this. im holding my puke down. and i decide if i throuw up, id do it on him. he couldnt smell much worse anyway. and then he sucks on his bloody finger.
what the bloody fuck is wrong with u mr new zealand???? did u want to ruin the apetite of the girl sitting beside you?? or are u just wierd? i was uteerly completely disgusted.
i lay my head down. i am not going to bear this guys antics anymore. in 5 minutes, the plain has landed. it was a short flight. despite the giant displaying all his bodily filth to me.
and we get up to take our baggage. he gets up and reaches to the upper hold. i now realise the new zealand pants were low waist. as he slowly raises his arms, i see in my damn face a motherfucking calvin klein label. his ass is near my face. his damned underwear is exposed. he stinks. i swear to myself i will never move from my emergency exit seat even if my life depended upon it. fuck you calvin, u just scarred me for life.

Fiction: Krypton

KRYPTON

It all started the day I wished upon a star. You know, like in the stories?

I was sick and tired of everything. Of my mom making me stuff my breakfast down my throat; of my dad telling me if I don’t hurry up, I’ll be late for school; of my little brother being the average annoying little brother; of my alarm clock, set on snooze, ringing every five minutes; of everything. I wanted; no, I needed some peace and quiet. So I wished upon a star that I could get out of this chaotic place.

I think I wished too soon because, to be exact, I wished away planet earth. Yup, you read right, I WISHED AWAY PLANET EARTH. How do I know, you ask? Well, what else would you think it you found yourself on a huge sphere of rock, having no signs of life whatsoever? This place had E-M-P-T-Y written all over it.
So here I was on a ‘sphere of rock’ all because foolish me wished upon a star. A star! Whose wish upon a star is actually granted?

As I was pondering over this trivial question, I discover a boy of about my age doing some sort of experiment. The big head, even bigger hair and the know-it-all expression on his face; this had to be Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius. And I was right.
I’m saved!!
“Hi,” he says.
“Hi, what are you doing?”
“Oh me?” he replies, “I was out on Jupiter collecting rock samples and when I return, this is what I find of Earth. I don’t understand what could have happened.”
“Ahem, that would be my fault,” I say, “I wished the earth away.”
“Right. And I’m Frankenstein’s mother,” Jimmy mused.
I could see he really looked down on me, even though I was at least half a foot taller than him. Now I can’t complain, because this super brain was my only ticket out of my former home. I told him my story. Though he thought I was an escaped lunatic or something, I convinced him to find a way to get us out.

So we walked a bit and reached at the base of a hyper-galacto-whatsitsname-thingamajig (I think.... I’m just going to call it ‘the rocket’ for now.). Jimmy Neutron (Boy Genius) and I (totally brain-dead compared to him) blasted off on our search for new earths. It was a good thing I had taken time to read up on my National Geographic or I would have lost it in there with Smart-Ass-Neutron.
Anyway, there we were, traveling at twice the speed of light and after about an hour, we located a planet, with the perfect conditions for habitation, according to one of Jimmy’s gadgets. I secretly name our new discovery ‘planet Krypton’ after the place from which Superman hails.
Yes! Finally I can get away from this big-head hogging all the space! I thought as we broke into the atmosphere. (OK maybe I should have been thankful, but this guy was driving me nuts) In two minutes, we were there; thanks to Jimmy’s twice-the-speed-of-light-rocket.

Somehow today seems to be a day of surprises; first with the earth disappearing, then Jimmy Neutron and his rocket and now this. Jimmy is not helping at all. He’s too obsessed with rock samples.

Before me I see exactly what I wanted to get away from: Earth, with all its chaos.
Hold on, let’s rewind back. Earth? This isn’t earth! This is supposed to be Planet Krypton!
“Jimmy what did you do?”
“Nothing,” he replies and off he goes with his rock examiner.
Where’s the big-head when I need him?
After a few minutes, I realize that Jimmy has landed us a few streets away from our neighborhood. I was analyzing my chances of finding Jimmy again and getting some sense out of the situation when he rapped on my shoulder.
“Hey”
Speak of the devil…
“Yeah? What is it?” I ask
“Well, after a bit of research, I’ve found that every 7 blue moons (I later learnt that one blue moon is 96 years) someone’s wish to make the world disappear comes true. And unimaginable force beyond comprehension transports all the things on Earth and its near vicinity to another planet with equal resources for life. Only the ‘wisher’ remains on earth.”
OK, that was a little bit too much for me to understand
“Run that by me again?”
With enthusiasm, Jimmy continues, “you see, when there are two planets to use, although no one realizes it, the depletion of resources is reduced by 50%. That’s why the Earth; or technically earths aren’t destroyed by now.”
“So basically, there are two earths and once in a while, we switch between them?” I give him my simplified version.
“If you put it that way, yes,” says Jimmy, not at all impressed with my analysis, “well, see you around!”
“Um… you too.” I reply though not really meaning it.

Well, I got my life of yelling parents, annoying brother and alarming alarm clock back.

So much for Krypton.

New Bonds Forged

Friends come, friends go. Some stay a while, make your life better and then leave. Others stay forever, seeing everything: good, bad and ugly. Some have always been there, but they were inconspicuous. Friends come, friends go; but each is one to thank.

I started my ninth year in the Choice School most reluctantly. My class I found was HORRENDOUSLY HORRIBLY HATEFUL. I had not a friend who I was close to. And as they say the grass is greener on the other side, I found my friends' classes the ones I should have fit in perfectly. But they put me in the misfit class. I still think that I'd rather sit at home than spend another year in the same class(thank God we're getting shuffled).
But having common enemies reaps friendship, it is said. For me, and two of my friends this statement proved very true. Our common enemy was everyone who conspired in putting us into that class. The three of us despised everything about it. And that brought us together.
My friends are Shalini and Sanya. And thanks to them, the second half of the year proved to be an awesome time for me. If there's anything I'm going to miss from this year, its their company.
We formed a bond between ourselves that brought us close in our differences. We laughed enough to make drew Carey look bad! We got into trouble too, for a few misdeeds. But we sort of stuck together.
All three of us have friends outside class. Friends who we consider our real friends. Each of us silently thought that the other two were only replacements to friends in class, until we got out. But as the last days of school approached, we found, with lumps in our throats that we had grown on each other. From seeing each other everyday to sneaking out of trouble we had gotten through this horrendously horribly hateful class together. And I'm genuinely going to miss the crazy, perverted, funny times the three of us had.
We signed our school uniform ties today. With phone numbers, names and things that we want to remember form last year. We hugged. We formed a pact. The PPP. We split a three flowered twig among ourselves. We promised to knock off "certain people" when we get a chance. We hugged some more. I picked up shalini because she's so short and Sanya's so tall. We're working on a poem. We are working on our memories so that we don't forget to say hi to each other. We are brushing up our telepathic skills as backup if our memories(as afore mentioned) fail.
we maybe separable, but PPP WILL SECRETLY BLESS AND CURSE AND FOREVER REIGN UPON US AS PsYCHIC SIsTERS.

love you Shalu and Sani always.

life sucks: part two

every one has bad days. and i'm just like everyone. but unlike many people when i have a bad day, very few people know about it. i'm one of those keep negative emotions to yourself type. if everyone was like me, i think the world would explode with unvented anger and sadness. my only refuge is my pillows which are on some days soaked with tears or a close freind's comforting hug. i'd rather be completely isolated than show myself as a broken down frail creature. that's my ego working.
last week, life just took its toll on me. everything just came crashing down and the one person i relyd on, myself, showed weakness. what was i to do?
it all started with him. he was the faint spark that blew everything up. after everything he's said about me, and every action signifyng hate towards me, one fine day he comes and utters these words, "sorry for being mean." i looked at him wating for a continuation, in vain, "is that it?' i asked him. "yea" he says with a questioning look as if to say what more do you want? i was so angry that he expected me to jus bang my head and get a concussion so i'd forget each and every cruel word he said about me. i retorted with not an ounce of pity, "apology unaccepted."
that is the end of our comversation. and next thing i know im yelling to myself at how easy he thought it was to win me over again. and then my freind says, "why don't you just try being freinds with him?" that was it. i was broken. why u ask? because i had been trying all week to talk to him and he said that he didnt want to be freinds with me he just wanted to be my guy. and the next day, what do you think happened? well we sat down to talk about it like rational individuals that's what. the only problem is, when we are together, neither of us is capable of thinking rationally. he apologizes sincerely though and i forgive him. after all, i was head over heels for him only a few months ago. then he asks me how life has been. i say great. tells me his hasnt ever since i left and that he misses me. i say ok. he says he still likes me. i say i don't. it just came out. i don't know whay i'm such a wierd freak who doesn't think before she opens her mouth. but yea what has been said, has been said. nothing can change it. how have the tables turned so that i'm the one left feeling guilty? aaargh! its not my fault. none of this is my fault. i will get through this. and who cares what everyone thinks? i have me, myslf and i.
but why am i such a rude, sore bitch. i think all this emotion stuffed in me is leaking out more and more. and everyday is the worst day.
to top it all off, my parents are succeeding in ruining my life. yes sir. they can now read my email. it was a completely personal thing coz i have so many contacts who i don't see often. now i can't do any talking without censoring everything i say. great. so much for respecting my privacy. and my mom, thanks to my own stupidity reads an old diary entry of mine, abt this guy who once made me cry. she was shocked. and that was it with her trusting me. to make things worse, i hardly communicate with my famliy anymore. the occasional hi, that about all we say. sometimes i feel completely alone but other times i want to be that way. maybe i should tell my parents about my seemingly miserable life, but if they get involved i think things would only get worse. i must sort out my life for myself. there's my ego showing again.
its hard, you know. people never see what's inside before forming an opinion of you. whatever they see, they take for face value. even good freinds of mine can't make out the difference between a fake smlie and a true one. people think too fast.
but i am a person of strenght. i will get over this whole my life sucks thing, because at the end of the day, i will be happy. my life will turn out ok. and everything happens for a reason. sooner or later, i will love again. and though it may take time to heal these scars, i know time will heal all.

Chachan.

This is a poem that i wrote. i'm a Malayali and the peom contains a few Malayalam words. I've included a glossary of all the words, translated into english. The poem is addressed to my grandfather, Prof. C.S. Abraham who passed away in 1999, when i was a young girl. He was a great man and a great basketballer. He played for the kerala state team, was a professional coach, and one of India's first international referees for the game. He also was a Phys. Ed. professor in the Trivandrum Medical College. I only hope that one day, maybe i can achieve a fraction of what he has, both as a wonderful person and as a basketballer.

Come back, come home.
Why did you leave?
I'm not ready yet,
Don't make me cry.
I just want to see you
one last time
To show you i love you
To show you me.
It's been too long
Can't bear it anymore
You left without goodbye and
I had to watch you leave.
Like an old song you float in my memories
But it is fading, gradually.
Do you see me?
I have grown, stronger, taller.
I see you in me,
I see your energy in everyone here.
I see your smile frozen in a picture
And i was next to you,
Us laughing together,
With you,I was so happy.
I awed you my Chachan.
If i could be with you now,
If i could be your little mol again;
I'd do anything
Just to walk with you in the field again
Or just to watch me score that basket.
I feel proud when they say,
"She's C.S. 's kochumol."
Come back.
Everyone wants you back,
Cisy, mon, Mary,
I want you back.
I don't want photographs,
I want to swing on your mundu.
I wish you could hold me.
Come back to me, my Chachan.
Don't leave without goodbye;
I miss you too much.


GLOSSARY

Chachan : father
Mol : daughter (pronounce "mole")
Mon : son (pronounce "moan")
Mundu : Long white or coloured cloth used by indian men as clothing to wrap around the waist. (pronounce "moon-du")
Kochumol : Granddaughter

Falling. Falling. Fallen.(FICTION)

I'm only 15. My mother says I'm too young to fall in love. My little brother thinks its worse than puke.
I didn't know what love is. Never experienced it first hand. My best friend told me it was this jump in your stomach when that special someone walks by. But how could love be something so temporary as a jolt in your stomach? I didn't think it was possible. I had so many ideas on love from different people.
I have always been a seer not a doer. I always wanted to know what the consequences were before I did something. Tina Aunty told me love was unpredictable. I didn't want to get involved in anything that could be aptly described as unpredictable. I am too safe for that. Wait, let me rephrase that. I was to safe for that.
I was until I met him. He just came into my life like a whirlwind first knocking me off my feet and then catching me before I hit the ground. All he said was 'Hi'. But it made my heart skip beats. He walked beside me and I grew conscious whether my hair was looking ok, if I'm not smiling too dorky(which I'm sure I was) etc, etc..
I didn't think he noticed anyway, but I still took the time off to look good. I thought up reasons to call him. And after keeping all this inside me for a month, I told my best friend. "oh my God, Mari you've fallen in love!!" she said.
I wouldn't accept it. I couldn't fall in love. I stopped talking to him. I stopped trying to impress him. I knew love was not some game you played when you were 15. Love was supposed to be something adults do when they were mature and able to make rational decisions. I was scared of love. But once in a while we said hi to each other and I had an occasional clench in my stomach but I tried my level best to ignore it. Soon I forgot all about him. I focused on my studies, my piano classes, my painting lessons.
One day, a year after my first encounter with him, we met again. We were taking part in a music program together, with a 100 other children. I went to practice my song. He practiced his. Ok, before I say anything else, I have to tell you, I honestly suck at singing, and they forced me to sing in the band chorus. He on the other hand, is one of the best singers I know(and I'm not saying that because I have a crush on him). We met every hour or so in the corridors for the breaks. I couldn't help but feel a certain attraction for him. But no, I would not fall prey to this thing called love. I pushed my feelings for him to the back of my mind. As long as he didn't know what's going on in my mind, why bother.
I didn't bother. Musicadenza came, we sang, it was a hit, especially his song which was exceptional. I melted in my seat when I heard him sing. I wished I was not so chicken to face myself. But I termed love a disease and I needed an immunity vaccine.
So, there I was, after the program. It was around 7 pm. Almost everyone had gone home. I was still waiting for my parents. He was helping the teachers clear up the stage. I silently watched him. I wonder what it would have been like if we were together. My mind wandered. Until he caught my gaze. I snapped back to reality. He stopped his work and walked hesitantly to me. Was he as shy as I or was he just not sure of what I was doing? Whatever it was, next thing I knew, he was there standing next to me and I was holding my breath....

"Marita, hi. Want some company?" He says in that dreamy voice of his. I'm speechless.
"Hey, you ok?" I am savouring his words and I am engrossed in everything about him. I look at him. Blue shirt and jeans. He's wearing black sneakers. His hair is all spiked up. He's looking fucking sexy. His eyes search me for an answer. That's when his question registers in my mind. I say, "Hi. Yea. Sure." that's all I can formulate.
He sits next to me and we are quiet. No communication. I don't speak because I know that if I do, something stupid will come out. All my feelings for him in the past year come rushing back in those minutes. But I am quiet. Now you know why I'm known for my self control.
He breaks the still silence, "Listen, I want to tell you something. It may sound crazy to you. you may never talk to me again. You may have never thought of anything like this. But I can't keep it inside any longer" I anticipate what is coming, but never in my life did I predict what was actually on his mind. I thought it would be anything but what he said.
His voice comes down to a whisper, "I love you"
I don't breathe anymore. I can't think anymore. My heart has failed to beat. My mind has stopped working and he is looking at me, for a reaction to his words. No three words could be more powerful than those. No other person could ever make me feel so incredible with just that sentence.
I forget everything I thought about love. I'm overwhelmed by this feeling this boy has brought in me. I couldn't deny it any longer. This guy, who I was evading for so long, he was in love with me. He wanted me. It was an incredible feeling. I was overjoyed. So much so that, despite warnings from my mother and my brother, despite everything I have ever thought about love, I change. My actions surprise me. But I'm controlled by this new feeling of love.
He stands up to leave because I haven't talked to him at all. I stand up with him and say, "Jeet, wait." he turns and I look into his dark brown eyes, I can feel this longing to be his. And the inner force in me directs me toward him. I lift up my heels (he's tall!) and kiss him. Just like that. Without any warning to neither me nor him. I love that moment which will forever be in my mind. The kiss of my life.
He held me close to him and we were locked in the kiss for hours(it seems). "I love you, Jeet" I say in the end. The four most meaningful words I have ever said. That night we sat together, not many words, but a newly forged connection between us. We had an understanding. He knew what I felt.
Now, I know what I feel. It is love. And I'm not afraid. Love is magic. Its everywhere and if you're too scared to fall, you'll never know how wonderful it can be to find someone who thinks your thoughts. I didn't have to search much. My love came to me. But its not always that way, is it? Jeet has made me the happiest girl in the world, and vice versa. I'm so in love with him, I feel like im flying. Just the thought of him keeps me smiling for hours. When I see him, it's like a wave splashing over me. He is everything.
I know, I am only 15. Mom thinks I'm too young. But he showed me that I shouldn't back down from something as beautiful as us.

mr G and miss V

Two of my close freinds are Mr G and Miss V. Mr G's best friend in the whole wrold is Miss S who is also a good freind of Miss G as well as myself. We have all been freinds, hanging out and having fun for a year and in some cases more.

Then one fine morning what is this i hear from Mr G? "I have a serious Crush on Miss V." I was shocked at his revelation, not becuase i found any fault with Miss V, but at the fact that Mr G had chosen someone other than Miss S, his best friend and someone i thought would have been like his soulmate, if you will.

Well, I extended my full support to G and so did S. And with the help of other freinds, we organised a whole plan for G to woo Miss G. After a while of constant mentioning of G's amazing qualities in front of V, we convinced her that it was worth giving G a chance. That's how it all started. The beautiful story.

He was head over heels for her! She liked him just as much. They held hands and talked sweet nothings to each other. Everone was happy for them. G and V were in bliss. They were the perfect couple. But nobody's perfect remember? Its the law of the universe, and Mr G and Miss V had problems of their own.

Family. They always try to wreck love, if they dont approve, and like typical malayali famlies, those of G and V condemned their relationship as "too young" "not good for you" "focus on your studies" "not part our our culture" and so on and so forth.

Especially for Miss V this was becoming a disater. Family was her everything, just like so many of us. If they were against her she couldn't get through. She talked to her father and sister and though she didn't make the happiest decision, she wanted her family more than G and confronted him. "G i don't think we will work out" She explained to him her dilemma. Since he was an anazingly understanding guy, G agreed to the break up. He told her that he will always love her and hopes that she still loves him, but he will do anything for her and so there it was. The perfect couple ended. Even though they loved each other, it was technically over.

This is where Miss S comes in. She provided supposrt for both G and V. She stood by G's side through all his depression and heartbreak. She was his pillar of strength. They bonded and laughed and creid together. G considered her as his best freind through thick and thin.

I dont know if it's a girl thing to fall in love with someone you are so close to like your best freind. Whether it was or not, S had fallen and fallen hard. She only thought of him and dreamed of him. She wanted to be his. But she knew his heart was stolen. S wanted to show him that she could love him like no other could. But she kept her feelings to herself, obviously. Telling him might risk their freindship.

A month after this, G proposes to V yet again. This time, with ring in hand and down on one knee. The classics never grow old. She was comletely swept off her feet and all her love came rushing back. They Instantly went back to their previous state of love. But all good things must come to an end.

V was still doubtful about her family and after less than a month, she broke up with Mr G yet again. Their relationship was getting rocky. But the love was still there. Untill one day....
V could no longer balance her family and her boyfriend at the same time and with much sadness but just as much obligation, she chose her family. She coudn't bear to see them dissapointed. By now, G got the impression that him and V were never going to be together and be happy for too long, so he decided it was time to get over her.

Hundreds of tears were shed on both sides. Even V, who had once declared that G could not possibly give her reason to cry, wept. G, who still loved her was trying deperately to get her off his mind, but in vain. He talked to his freinds. Laughed.
Miss S was always there for him. She understood him, he understood her. But she knew he only considered her as a best freind. She never took him for granted, while he did sometimes. They were like yin and yang. In her heart she knew he was the one, and she wanted to show him that badly, but she kept her thoughts inside her. She didn't want to jeopardize their freindship then, when they were so close, as freinds.
So there it was, G heart broken, V torn between two worlds and S happy just to be G's freind.
Is this the end? Or is there hope for someone? will S confess her feelings? only time will tell...

Educationally Speaking

School. Why does one go to school? To Enrich Their knowledge. Why do Students in India go to school? To stuff their brains with wanted, needed and completely unwanted knowledge about practically everything you could know, in the span of about 15 years, and memorizing every word to write many all-important exams.
I'm saying this from the view of a student. Teachers and parents may say that the Indian educational system is one of the most efficient ones in the world. And to support their theories, we see Americans and Europeans coming to India to find the secret of our system.
But for a student, studying this way is excruciating. We often question the need for learning about something as common as the internet with definitions with huge words when we could probably explain it much better by saying it in our own simple words. If going to school teaches us anything, its how to memorize 31 chapters to write an exam for 100 marks.
Indians stress on being book smart. The child with the highest marks are always commended. Teachers rarely pay any attention to students, who may not be able to put their thought in an exam well, but have brilliant ideas nevertheless. I've met so many people who were never great scorers in examinations but they are now successful in their respective fields.
The Indian educational system should give emphasis on ideas and creativity and not only marks, grades, exams. Teachers should recognize every student as intelligent. Schools must introduce ways to test children in creativity. There will be a rise in the number of students who look forward to going to school.
Sure, some of those supersmart kids won't be able to keep up with the street smart ones who can think on their feet and make logical decisions. I'm not saying marks are not important. They very well are. They encourage competition, they give us a way to judge the capacity of a student. But isn't school about preparing us for life ahead? Whatever happened to classes about first aid, FAQs on computers, an English speaking course, money management???
Indian students have minds evolved to learning. Grasping everything and shelving it in the depths of their memories. But how many can react smartly in a crisis?
And for how long will students enjoy school?
Indian students, parents and teachers alike must re-prioritize the system.

Life Sucks: part one

I'm not a pessimist. I've never been one. But my teenage life is turning in such unexpected ways that I can't help but plainly say that life sucks.
It's all karma I keep telling myself. You get what your give.
I think it all started with a dream. Now, I'm not someone who delves deep into the unexplained mysteries of life like dreams or astrology or psychic powers. But I saw a dream that I broke up with my boyfriend who I'd been with for about 1 and a half years.(Which by the way is a long-lasting relationship as far as we were concerned) We weren't going that great anyway and then to top it all off, my best friend goes and tells him that I was in love with another guy. (how considerate) He got angry, obviously and blindly believed what she said. I don't blame him. I would have done the same thing. But as usual when we have a fight, he doesn't confront me about it. It's just his nature. But by then I decided that I had got enough of all that. I just wanted to end it all. And so I did. I told him, "I think we should break up". And like any guy would do so as not to hurt his huge ego, he goes, "alright". That one word was all I needed to know I had made the right decision.
I loved him with my heart and soul, I did. I thought I could do anything if he was right next to me. I missed him if he was away for an hour. And I'm pretty sure he loved me too. We had so much fun together, and I got really close to him. But that was the past...
Now I see him, and though I knew this was exactly the way he would have reacted, I'm still overwhelmed by the person he has become to me. We are like strangers. He tells his friends I am a b***h and a s**T and hope I f*****G die. How is it that this was the same guy I was head over heels about? Well, I miss the old him. And the saddest thing is, he's only like that to me. Of course, I'm sure he has good reasons to hate me. After all I broke his heart by breaking up with him. But well, I'm still a bit surprised. I just hope maybe one day, the both of us will have enough patience and love left in us to talk this out. But I fear that day might never come.