Jaisal

You may not be asking "who is Jaisal?", because nobody gives anything about some guy in my life, but since this is my blog and i can write in it whatever i please, I'm writing it.

I call him Jes. We go back quite a while. i met him in the 4th grade, and through 5th, 6th, and 8th we were classmates. He is one of my best friends. He's been my best buddy for about 2 years now, and i guess that isn't long enough to claim you know a person, but we are still just kids so i think that's enough. I know Jes like he was a brother. I know he's a champ at tennis, he's a good looking guy, he's a smart chap, he's popular. These things, everyone knows.
When i think of him, i wonder whether we are that close at all. I don't know his favourite breakfast. I don't know if he has crazy dreams. I will never know what i mean to him. I am always disapproving of something he has done or said. Nonetheless, i feel like this kid is almost a brother. a brother i can HATE and one i can appreciate at the same time.
This past week, jes was everything that i wanted him not to be. Every word he said cut a gash in me for a reason i still don't know. My expectations of him were far too high. and sometimes just speaking to him seems a huge ordeal. But somewhere in me, i want to forgive this guy because he was one of the few people i liked. I can't forgive him.
He didn't stick up for me like i always would have fro him. He broke the single rule of friendship, which unlike the rules of love are easy to keep. "Always be there" He stood there, and watched me getting humiliated by his friend without a word or an action to stop it. And there i was hoping that my best friend would get me out of the mess and he just shrugged.
I walked out and to myself i swore i would never rely on jaisal again. he was not worth depending on. OF course later he tried to apologise and beg my forgiveness. But i know him well enough to know about his sincerity. Sorry comes to him as easily as the wind.
I called him today, and well... it wasn't the same i can tell you. I wasn't myself.
I am feeling like i am nobody. Like i am not worth any care. He makes me feel like he will never be entirely happy for me unless i am entirely his. I am not his. I never want to be. I belong to someone else. But he can never say, "I'm so glad you've found someone who understands you" he can only say, "why are you in love with him anyway?"
I am not as upset as i was. Probably i shouldn't be upset at all. Probably i should leave this whole friendship business and let it mend itself. Or maybe i should not waste my time worrying about some kid who I can never understand. The kid who may never understand me, because I am so many things he does not know.
Enough about Jaisal. One can only ramble so much about "some guy". I have better things to think of.