Friday, December 21, 2007

The trough in the wave

My crest has peaked. The trough has begun its descent. the smiles will slowly dim until i cry again. story of my life: crests and troughs. and now, it's trough time baby. I'm all set.
exams were horrible. i didn't study a thing, and well now i know that if you don't study, don't hope on acing your exams. it's simple logic really, but then again the simplest things take a long time to hit me. well i guess the next unit test I'll do better. doubt it though. somehow studying seems such a waste of time right now. whether i like it or not, in less than 5 months i will have to start studying, for the big evil board exams would be near. but now, they're not. so why study? shouldn't i take a break before i have to burn the midnight oil just to get into a good college? yes, this time, just for these next two exams, I'm going to chuck studies. I'm going to have some fun, if it's the last thing i do. it might be the last time i have any carefree fun. I'm going to do what i want this year. I'm going to read novels, paint, make crafty things, dream, sleep and generally live it up. just this once, let studies be out of my mind.
the love of my life is going away. it depresses me. it scares me. it's weird how I'm so attached to this guy that i feel like if he's not there there's really nothing i have to look forward to. it's like my whole time in school has revolved around him and now suddenly the thought of him leaving makes me feel empty. and I'm so in love with this guy i can't even believe it. I'm doing things, thinking things, saying things that i would never normally say. I'm believing that love really makes like wonderful. what i hope is that when he's not around so much anymore, I'll learn to live without seeing him and talking to him all the time. till now, i felt so suffocated if i couldn't talk to him properly because it was only him that i could say anything to. but maybe i can learn. maybe we can both learn to bear the distance, and still keep love alive in us. maybe it will make us stronger. that's what i hope.
my friends are so oddly connected to each other. one of them hurts the other, one ignores the other, another pair hates each other. they're all my friends, then why can't they all be friends with each other? it pains me to have to choose sometimes between my friends and pick sides. like when we get together, who do i go with? it's really frustrating because i love all of them, i want to be with all of them, and they just cannot get along. to think we were all such good friends once.
it is from my friends that i realised love doesn't necessarily have to be constructive. it can have terrible consequences. love can break friendships, it can make you cry, it can force you to give up. i don't know ow hard it is to be on the receiving side of painful love, because i found someone who means the world to me and i to him. but it isn't the same for everyone is it? maybe my turn is coming round, who knows. i can't agree with anyone and say yes, love sucks. don't fall in love. because to me it's so beautiful. but i can't disagree and say love is always a joyride. it's not. love demands a hefty price.
and so as i find little things that scare me, tire me, irritate me, i know that it's time for the part of the cycle where I'm going to be a little more upset than happy. but I'm ready for it. I'm taking it head on, without fear. wish me luck

Friday, November 30, 2007

Life's Good

By good i mean the ratio of good to bad is greater that 1. hey, i wasn't asking for 100% good. now that's being greedy.
school is mostly good. sports day preparations happening. sports day week=lots of sun+sweat+running+laughs+ice cream+muscle cramps+competition+adrenaline. it's tiring, but fun. soon it'll be over but till then I'm all smiles.
school is going OK. nothing great. but hey, it's better that a board exam class. couldn't ask for more in this stage of my life. soon life will all revolve around two exams namely the boards and the engineering entrance. might as well live it up while i can.
home is good. I'm hardly home these days, but when i am, i like it. my parents are pretty nice at the moment.
him, he's wonderful to me as always. i worry about us less and about him more. i hope he doesn't work himself too hard. but he knows what he's doing. its better if i don't interfere.
i guess when it's good, there's less to describe.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

So, What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

I was somewhere between 5 and 10 when i was first asked this question. since then, it has incarnated into various forms. Every time it was posed to me, i had a different answer. from beauty contest winner to pilot to fashion designer...the list was endless. that seems like a long time ago, but my list is still endless. Lawyer, Engineer, Journalist, Architect, Designer? The options are so many that i cannot think. people say it is a boon for our generation to have professions that cater to every one's aptitude and skill. but is it really so? i feel like i have so many options i cannot nail it down to one. each one equally uncertain, yet equally rewarding. what to do, what to do?
i want to be a writer, and editor, a journalist. do i have what it takes? am i good enough? what if I'm not? what if it isn't what i thought it was and i become a failure? yes, it is something i love, but do i have the skill or am i just kidding myself?
i could be a lawyer. I've never thought seriously about the profession, so i don't have a burning desire to be one. but do i have the skills it demands? can i rise in this field if i work hard? will i like it? will i regret it ? am i just acting on impulse from what other people said?
i most probably will end up an engineer. i know i can do reasonably well. but i do not feel a rush when i solve a sum, or conduct an experiment. will i be just another slob, just another in the multitude of intelligentsia applying for engineering? will i waste those four years wishing i did something else?
oh the uncertainties of life....
my time is running out. i must decide, for now is the time. i must search inside me and find out my strengths and which profession it will be recognised. will i make the right choice?

Friday, November 02, 2007

Quite the Ordinary

These days have been pretty uneventful. there have been exams, i have been studying(not so well, i might add). i hate studying. i don't see the point of it all, but i do it anyway because everyone else is doing it. because my parents say it is important. because i cannot have a life, they say, without academic excellence. and so i open the dreary book and study, but never do i learn. i have noticed that learning really doesn't happen as it is intended to in school. i doubt i remeber any of the history i learnt in 10th, besides the basics that is. i can't remeber the rainfall required for the growth of wheat. i can't even understand the use of these things in physics called vectors. i would love to learn these things, understand them if they were really needed in life. i am all ready for expanding my knowledge. but studying is just mugging. memorising. learning things by heart. who wants to do that? not me. i wish i could find an answer to my problem. i do enjoy my classes now and then, but most often the monotony of the teachers voice steals the topic of any interest. i know i must not complain without a solution to help it get better but right now i want to be a little tantrum-throwing child and complain.

other things have been happening. life has been going on. basketball still up and running. tomorrow probably the last match of this year, so i must play my best. i want to win. quite vain i know, but winning feels good. it makes you feel like you didnt bust your ass for nothing. 2nd place doesn't feel the same way. i would know, our team is perpetually second place. this time, i want to feel the rush you get when the whistle blows and you can scream and hug your team mates.

there's nothing much with him. he is the same. unchanged love, unchanged eyes bearing his feelings. i know the change is yet to come. but i shall forget it now. i want to be blind to everything but him and his love. for now.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

A Letter to the Parents

dear mama and papa,
i want to say something, but i don't quite know how to. i want to express this feeling i have but I'm so scared of what you would think.
I'm in love with him. i really am. its not some teenage thing. it's real. and i know for sure. and i can't be with him until you say it's OK. because there really is no point doing anything without your permission. and even if i wanted to defy you, he doesn't. and so it's only if you can understand what I'm going through that i can be happy.
i can't do without him. and i can't think of being with anyone else. i can't let him go and still i have to let him go. i cannot deal with this kind of separation, so please understand.
please say it's OK to fall in love, that it's OK to want another person like i do. please don't look at me like i am a sinner, that i can never be a good person until i leave him, because even though you don't know it, i can never be whole if i leave him.
why is it so hard for everyone to understand this? is it because we are young? is it because of the past? i can't change the past, and i can't guarantee that our youth is not blemished. we might seem stupid and naive to you, and maybe you are right. we have made mistakes, i have made too many to ask for forgiveness, but i am asking you anyway because i love you both and i want you to love me too, as everything i am.
i know acceptance will never come from you as long as I'm with him. that is why I'm too afraid to plead to you for real. i might just make things worse. he's leaving me, you know. he's going to go away in 4 months, and then it's going to be that all-too-often-used phrase 'just friends' between us. i know that would make you both happy, but please i can't do it that way.
all i ask is to love him...

dear uncle and auntie(i wish i could call you mom and dad)
apologies might not be what you want to hear right now, but i want to apologize anyway. I'm sorry i was the reason your son lied to you, that he was distracted, that he made mistakes because of me, that he disappointed you. I'm sorry we cannot get along, you both and me. i really would have loved to. i would love to have dinner with you, and get to know you and tell you about me. but then again, I'm in love with him so I'm in no position to ask to barge into your lives. please don't be angry with him. he is such a good person, all he does is care. and he's doing all this for you, because he loves you and because you come first. he's trying to compromise between being in love and being accepted, so don't be angry.
i know you care about him, maybe more than i do. and i know, though it hurts me that you are so right. and maybe someday, someday it would still work out. and if it doesn't maybe i can come over and have dinner anyway, just to make that dream come true.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Go team!

I want to tell you about my basketball team. The 12 of us, ranging from 14 to 17 years represent our school in various tournaments in the city and the state.
Last week, we had our all-state tournament. The winners would be given an opportunity to represent the state at the national championships. it was a wonderful chance. it was a chance our school had been missing ever since we started taking part in the tournament.
we were a good team, no doubt. we played hard and we would most often make it to the finals of the tournaments we played. but at the finals, there was one team, just one that could beat us. and they did it without fail every time. each tournament we would have to suffice with a runners up trophy. one step below the top.
in the beginning we were happy with what we got. but as the years went on, and history kept on repeating itself, we yearned for something more. we wanted that number one spot. and then we started trying. and still, every time, we lacked something and we lost. losing was the game now. but it got to us. every year our hopes were renewed. we had fresh players, new faces, new ideas, new coaches... but nothing seemed to work.
last week we were there again. the finals of the big tournament of the year. we wanted to beat them. we KNEW we would beat them. we had to beat them. winning was important, like never before. and on the court, the tension was high. our nerves were taut. theirs on the other hand were relaxed, to them we were an easy win. they had done it before and they would do it again.
the thing is, we lost again. we lost the match against the team, just like all those other times. but what was different this time was the cheers in the crowd i heard when we scored a basket. the fact that we fought with our hearts and souls in the game. for once, that we believed in each other and trusted each other and helped each other out even when we were being kicked in the dirt.
that one match was what made our team special this year. we had never fought like that before. never wanted anything so badly and yet did not get it. the tears we shed that day were endless. they would just not stop flowing. but when the 12 of us lay down at night to sleep, we just said 'it's OK, we fought, we tried, it's OK" we hugged each other, and tried to make a joke or two.
this team, our team with so much spirit, i love them. they have taught me values of teamwork, trust, faith, courage, determination, co-operation, perseverance, optimism and kindness. there's nothing like being part of a team.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

TIME

Time-Pink Floyd

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ntm1YfehK7U

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time has gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

This is such a wonderful song. it makes the most sense to me. we are all complaining of not enough time, but really time only passes us by. we are just so busy that we don't notice. time plays so many tricks on us, cheating us, twisting us, changing us. and yet, it is time that is unchanging.
The reason i posted this song was because i was in Bangalore the other day. I had gone with my dad and we stayed over at a friends place. the song was playing and all three of us were just so into it, we sang out loud. Such a wonderful song it was to listen. we had just finished our day's programme and were reclining on various couches and chairs in the room. and i didn't even feel out of place with my dad and his best friend.
I think of my time. i used to complain a lot about how fast time sped by me. how i miss my younger days, how there could have been so much more i could have done. life seemed to revolve around regret. but time, we know waits for no one. and now i realise how i must seize the day and take in everything without a second thought. live my life before i sit around thinking 'damn, i could have enjoyed myself'. i shall let down my hair, let life take its path, and let time walk on with me following closely behind.
time and the lack of it is after all just a ruse of the mind. for if you did something you felt profoundly happy about, then time wouldn't matter. it passes by you only if you regret. and i have decided i shall regret no more.
yes, time is of the essence so i shall love, laugh and live it up.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Back to School

So it's back again to l'ecole. here's what I've been doing lately

1. getting the last term exam's marks: sigh, it's always got to be chemistry that brings me down. oh and this time, there was also English,my lowest marks. if it weren't for these two subjects, i would have aced these exams but i always have to falter somewhere don't i? i can only console myself thinking this is just a stupid meaningless exam and that when i time comes, i will perform my best. but, i am pretty content with my overall performance.

2. basketball: season has begun and once again it's practice 6 days a week. we are getting ready for our first tournament and hopefully this time we will finally break through. it's wonderful playing with the team again, but also extremely tiring. it takes up a lot of time but when you play basketball, it really does feel good inside.

3. the scholarship: well i have a shot at a scholarship for my pre-university course. I'm excited, but apprehensive of the tests and the interview i might have to face. but yes, this is a good chance for me. I'm happy.

4. NEM: god, he's such a wonderful guy. just like in the start he's always there supporting me and making me laugh. he's my inspiration for almost everything these days and when I'm with him it feels like home. he is the most important thing right now, in my life.

5. Class: class is BORING to the core. our teachers ave begun new chapters and i resist the urge to sleep. our class is fun, to an extent, but i just get fed up because things become a routine, even the jokes and the laughs seem uninteresting to me. i think it's partly because when I'm out of class i have tons more fun when I'm in, so I'm constantly just trying to get out! yea, that doesn't make sense i know.

besides that nothing much. i'm reading alot these days, just the usual novels but it's good.

see you later

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Holidays

finally, exams are over. Onam is here. i can sleep late, read books, talk on the phone, surf the net, anything i want. i don't need to study. oh it feels good. it feels refreshing.
yesterday was the last day of school. i wore a sari, the traditional kerala one. i was pretty conscious of the whole outfit, it's not every day you go to school in a sari. but it was fun, all of us dressed up. we went out, me and my freinds. had lunch, laughed, got a little screwed. but yea, there's always some messing up when we go out. i did feel bad about the mean things i had done yesterday, but i did what i had to do, apologised, and hopefully it will be ok. but somehow, i dont feel like thinking about all that.
someone is on my mind. he's always there these days. what a guy he is. so.....hmm....just so himself. i love all of him. and yesterday we spent some time together. that made my day, i think it made my year! things dont seem right without him.
you know, i found some freinds yesterday. they were always tehre of course, but i was really convinced yesterday that they cared.
the kiddo, roselyn, shari, tari, ris
thank you, you guys. you mean alot to me, whether you know it or not. thanks for stickin with me and dealing with me.
i've noticed something, when i write, it's mostly about people. i think i take my close relationships too seriously. or maybe i dont. after all they are my friends, my family, the people i care about. the people i love. people, make or break us. not stuff, or money or power, or fate, or any of that shit.
it's always the people in our lives that make it worth living. it's always they, who you think about at the end of the day, and it is they who you will miss the most when they are gone.

to all the people in my life,
mama
papa
abu
nem
roselyn
shari
jes
ris
tari
amma
ammachi
shobha
and everyone else,

i love you all so very much.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Complacency

I'm bored. i have work to do. i don't want to do it. i need to study, my exams are coming up, but i am feeling so drowsy and i can't even sit up straight and read my books. i want to sleep. I'm hungry. today is going so slow and by the time it's evening i will have felt like this weekend went by too fast.
once school starts time is going to pick up pace and rush by me. though, since it's exam week i wouldn't be too sure about it. don't feel alone, but now i feel a little lonely. no one is at home and my brother is hardly talking to me(he's absorbed in his own world) and my friends are all at church or tuitions or something or the other.
maybe i should just go sleep.
i miss the kiddo, the lanky one, nymalu, NEM, i wonder if they know.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Is it Me or is it Chemistry?

Chemistry always ruins my day.
Today was my first chemistry exam. you can guess how i did. pretty bad. why do i have such a problem with this subject? why can't i just understand it and move on? it's bothering me. I'm not living up to my expectations of myself. (that sounds weird but its true)
I'm upset.
i want to cry.
i want to run away alone.
it's not even chemistry anymore. i just hate everything. i hate myself and my life and everyone around me. i want to rest but i cant. i want to be lazy but i cant. i want to sit quietly in a corner and think but i cant. and i surely can't cry. i would look like some self obsessed fool.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Something Is Seriously Wrong WIth Me

Not, that there never was...
something was always wrong with me.

Today was a bad day. It shouldn't have been a bad day, but it was. It all started with chemistry. Just thinking about it tires me. The easiest topics in chemistry are so tough for me. I know this is only the beginning, and it's scaring me. Unit tests are in a month. I can't do badly. Everyone else is going to be perfectly fine in the end, and me. Oh I'm still going to be drowning in an ocean of some god forsaken acid. So it was chemistry really that got me into this terrible day.
Then there was merit evening. I didn't even feel proud of my merits. All i felt was hot and sweaty and tried and sleepy and bored. I wanted to go home. or better, i wanted to go back in time when i didn't have so many things to think about.
And after that ordeal, there was the getting home and the sitting down and the waiting for the water heater to work, and the cursing the heater for not working, and the not bathing in hot water, and the usual family talk....it all felt so weighty on me.
And then there were friends to console, to listen to, to remind it's not them i am angry at. There was him in my mind the whole time. Wishing against wish that today, just today, he could hold me, because i really desperately needed to be held. He would have comforted me, let me scream and cry and complain until it was all out. it's frustrating when it's taboo to let him ease my irritation.
Maybe the night will ease it instead.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Wake Up, You'll Miss The School Bus!

Well the least boring of my vacations have finally ended. Man it sucks to be back in school. Board exam results were good. I'm happy about those, more or less. I've taken the science stream. Chemistry is already driving me nuts!!
Our class couldn't be any more boring. I think the only reason i even drag myself to school every morning is because FINALLY he and i have adjacent classrooms. How cool is that? It's like a leap from a floor apart to a few meters apart. It's weird to see him more often, and even weirder to see him so close. I know, I'm pretty much talking crazy now, but yea this is me.
You should see him. He's got the most adorable smile on earth and when we're talking, even if it's just a hi or a bye, just that i can see him is like a gift. It's just been so long since I've seen him everyday and talked to him everyday. i am sort of overwhelmed by that.
He's just amazing. I mean it in the simplest way. I can't stay mad at the guy, he can somehow control me, and sometimes the things he says to me are outta this world. He notices the oddest things, like the smell of my perfume or how long i told him it takes for me to have a bath. He forgets the oddest things too, but as usual i forgive him in seconds.

I miss two of my best friends: Ria and Jaisal. Ria more than jaisal, if i may say so.
she was my buddy in crime. Always good for a laugh, always keeping me sane and reminding me I'm insane. She was such a blast, it feels terribly empty without her. I feel incomplete without her next to me talking about our latest blunder. Rose and I are constantly reminded of the threesome we were which can never be again. And today when she came to school for a few hours, it was like rubbing salt into a fresh wound.
Try as i might not to admit it, Ria can't ever be replaced. I feel sick to think she will not even be there to call me every five minutes because we're so bored. I might never tell her all these feelings, if i become soft, she would only be weaker. so i put on a brave face and say "It's inevitable, there's nothing you can do, it's not gonna be as bad as you think" So she can get through this a little less scathed than she would without someone to remind her all this is a part of life.
I don't know why i take this responsibility, but some part of me is looking for reassurance too, i feel. Maybe if i say those words out loud, i will believe them. Maybe it would help me not to be so upset about her absence-to-be. I wish it we're different. the last 2 years of school will never be the same without her. I hope i have the 'courage' to tell her that i will truly miss her.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

What I Don't Say

Nymalu

What i said:
I love him and I'm sorry you don't get it. I will not talk about him anymore. I'm going to miss you and your laughs when you leave. You're so much fun. But it's us. We're still going to be friends. Best friends.

What i didn't say:
I wish you could somehow understand what i feel. Especially about him and about how he is good to me. I hope someday you will stand by me in this. Because you matter to me, and i want you to know me properly. But maybe you already do. I'm sorry i hurt you so many times. I can't bring myself to agree with you all the time. Sometimes i feel we are so opposite. Sometimes i feel we get each other into trouble.

Kiddo

What i said:
You're my best friend, i don't want to hurt you. But i can't love you like that. It's not a wall in my head. It's something i know will never work. It's because you can't see me happy with someone else. It's sometimes because you hate him, but that's OK. I want to be friends. i want you to be here for me. Please don't stay away.

What i didn't say:
You're just like me: insincere, selfish, preoccupied. We could never happen, don't you see? I'm losing my respect for you. I almost allowed myself to lower my defenses around you. To let you see a part of me i have not showed. But then you disappointed me again, and i have closed myself. No more intruders. I have never given you a chance, but that once when i did, it got wrecked. why try again?


Roselyn

What i said:
Man, i love him like hell, but things are just NOT working out. I mean I'm screwing it all up. But I'll stop now you must be bored. What else is new?

What I didn't say:
I just want to tell you everything, but yea you don't really care. And i forgive you, really. I just hope that I'm not just some other friend you made. that i matter to you. that you wont just walk away when school is over. because if you do, i might not forgive you anymore.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Question of my life.

What do i do?
Is it that i am never satisfied with my life or that i am just entirely clueless? I'm always asking this question to myself. and occasionally it's "what now?" which is the same thing.

So here's the problem: I want him. More importantly and i think more undesirably, i need him. I have him. and you're saying so, what was that problem you were talking about?
well, imagine two people standing across a street. there are so many cars flashing by, they can't cross. They're stuck standing there, wanting so badly to get to the other side, to the other person. The traffic makes it almost impossible to even see each other. But they know the other person will wait at that spot till it's OK to cross.
Well, that's us. We have everything we need inside. And the outside is negating it all. People always saying NO.
Is he willing to wait that long? Am I? Or more rightly, Should we? How can i let him wait like that for me? How can i do that to him. Maybe i need to just close my eyes and bear the pain of losing him, for his good.
I knew i was a disaster, and look what I've done this time. what to do? what to do?

Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's Over!!!!!!

The boards are over!!
For the next two months it's FREEDOM!
I know, the freedom is short lived, but like i always say, have fun while you can because it ain't gonna last forever. How long it has been since we have been free of taunts.
This is a very important year.

Are you going to try and get a 100%?

This is only the beginning.

You have to focus, everything depends on this.

I have got sick of thinking about marks, studies, exams, my future... On a brighter note, It's over!!! We all went out and had fun yesterday. It was alright. We were all just recovering from the realization that this year is over for us. It was all much ado about nothing, but we got through it. I don't want to say much before my marks come out, but yeah, i think i can say i got through it. I am a bit singed, but i made it, just like evryone else.
I have to think of my parents now. They were really there for me, both of them. Always holding me up, never intruding but ever supporting. It was so comforting to know that even if all the teachers will be dissapointed with me, there are two people in the world who will always think of their little girl and keep her head high.
My freinds too, were always around; with questions, answers, consolations, laughs, anything to keep me sane through the month, and through the year. I love them all, for understanding how heard this can be on us. My friends are the ones you can scream at one day and crack up with the next.
What a relief that its over. It feels like a cube of ice gliding over my body, despite the immense summer heat. My obstacles may have only begun surfacing, but getting over these tiny obstacles would help me leap over the bigger boulders i hope.

To my freinds
Rose, Joanna, Ria, Susan, Jaisal, Amit, Rissan, Sharika, Navneeth, Sam
And my Family,
Mamma, Papa, Abu, Amma, Shobha and Ammachi
And of course,
My teachers, even the ones who hate me.





Monday, March 12, 2007

Boards are here ......

The exams are here. The boards that everyone has been talking to me about this whole year has finally arrived, and i am overwhelmed by it. I am not doing anything as i planned to.
For one, i am sick of studying this whole year and cannot even think of studying anymore. and this i feel when it most counts.
the boards are scary. But they are not as bad as people make it to be. They are easier than any exam I've don't this year(so far) and i wonder why there was so much pressure on me in the first place. Now that the time has come to put in your very best, to focus, to get close to a 100% in at least one subject, I AM BEING A LAZY BUM.

what am i supposed to do today? i have 4 days for my English exam. the past 3 days, i learnt 4 chapters in science out of the 17 we have and 1 question paper in french. a feeble attempt. in the next 4 days, i plan to study English, bit by boring bit. in between all this studying, there is the Internet, there is the eating, the TV, the walking around aimlessly, there is all of this messing up, DURING THE MOST IMPORTANT MONTH OF MY TENTH.

have i gone crazy? have i dropped myself to a level where i am utterly not bothered with life? no. i care as much as i ever did to do well for these exams. but i am not doing my BEST. not that all my friends are......

all this studying in the end is useless. and that makes it even harder to commit to this.
oh well, i am an Indian student, and for us this is the only life. might as well put up a fake smile and get through it.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Jaisal

You may not be asking "who is Jaisal?", because nobody gives anything about some guy in my life, but since this is my blog and i can write in it whatever i please, I'm writing it.

I call him Jes. We go back quite a while. i met him in the 4th grade, and through 5th, 6th, and 8th we were classmates. He is one of my best friends. He's been my best buddy for about 2 years now, and i guess that isn't long enough to claim you know a person, but we are still just kids so i think that's enough. I know Jes like he was a brother. I know he's a champ at tennis, he's a good looking guy, he's a smart chap, he's popular. These things, everyone knows.
When i think of him, i wonder whether we are that close at all. I don't know his favourite breakfast. I don't know if he has crazy dreams. I will never know what i mean to him. I am always disapproving of something he has done or said. Nonetheless, i feel like this kid is almost a brother. a brother i can HATE and one i can appreciate at the same time.
This past week, jes was everything that i wanted him not to be. Every word he said cut a gash in me for a reason i still don't know. My expectations of him were far too high. and sometimes just speaking to him seems a huge ordeal. But somewhere in me, i want to forgive this guy because he was one of the few people i liked. I can't forgive him.
He didn't stick up for me like i always would have fro him. He broke the single rule of friendship, which unlike the rules of love are easy to keep. "Always be there" He stood there, and watched me getting humiliated by his friend without a word or an action to stop it. And there i was hoping that my best friend would get me out of the mess and he just shrugged.
I walked out and to myself i swore i would never rely on jaisal again. he was not worth depending on. OF course later he tried to apologise and beg my forgiveness. But i know him well enough to know about his sincerity. Sorry comes to him as easily as the wind.
I called him today, and well... it wasn't the same i can tell you. I wasn't myself.
I am feeling like i am nobody. Like i am not worth any care. He makes me feel like he will never be entirely happy for me unless i am entirely his. I am not his. I never want to be. I belong to someone else. But he can never say, "I'm so glad you've found someone who understands you" he can only say, "why are you in love with him anyway?"
I am not as upset as i was. Probably i shouldn't be upset at all. Probably i should leave this whole friendship business and let it mend itself. Or maybe i should not waste my time worrying about some kid who I can never understand. The kid who may never understand me, because I am so many things he does not know.
Enough about Jaisal. One can only ramble so much about "some guy". I have better things to think of.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Time drags On

My favourite channel is now CNN. yeah, that's right. I think I'm going insane. my most common activity is studying. my least common activity is swimming(i used to swim at least once a week). I'm beginning to dread parties, and this is the weirdest one. I think it's because after a whole day of studying, and pretending to study and downright not studying, I'm too tired, too fed up to do anything more.
But i guess it's just inertia. because one day i dragged myself to go and swim, and boy was it great. Things are a lot slower these days. life is inching forward, and each minute seems like an empty abyss. I want to drown, lose my breath and slowly disappear. I want to cry forever because some days the pain overwhelms me. More than the pain, it is the excruciating emotion. Emotions i have never felt are taking over me.
Desperation
Hopelessness
Wanting to just quit
Crying for no reason
weightlessness

I don't know. I'm not making sense. Adieu.

Friday, January 05, 2007

What is the point?

What's the point about
1.writing this blog
2. studying half your life for some crappy job
3.getting into iit
4. being the person your parents dreamed about when you can't be yourself
5. being free because freedom is relative
6. having freinds, they all betray you
7. having money when it doesn't buy happiness
8. expression when noone is listening
9. trying to prove your worth
10. knowing your worth and not being able to fulfill it
11. having dreams if they are crushed by circumstances
12. believing in fairy tales
13. thinking that things will always work out, because they never do
14. hoping you won't die just another slob
15. winning an award after you're dead
16. holding your breath in suspense
17. worry
18. loving or hating life, does it matter?
19. falling in love
20. the good ol'' times, they're over anyway
21. keeping freinds because you love them, half of them don't give a shit
22. lying when the truth is going to come out soon enough
23. hoping your wishes come true
24. believing in God, only you can decid your life
25. killing yourself, you're gonna die in a while anyway
in fact, everyone will die someday and life in it's entirety is pointless

Life Sucks

Life sucks to the core. there are exams every week. I'm going crazy studying endlessly, and if I'm not doing that, then I'm feeling guilty I'm not studying.
It's horrible. I wish I had my childhood back. and to top it all off, I barely get to talk to him. Call me a complaining brat, but it sucks. That's it. Period.