One of the most eventful weeks of my life it was, last week. It was bittersweet, but the good surprisingly overcame the bad.
basketball coaching had begun and was in full swing. We had practice everyday of the week(and still do). It was exhilarating. Playing basketball is always therapeutic to me. But it does have its cons. The biggest one being that it consumed a lot of my time. I barely finished my homework on time. I didn't have time for much else. By the time I got back home, I was spent. Nonetheless, it has been fun. It's all good when it's basketball.
the best part about last week was that when I had practice in school for basketball, he had practice in school for music. This meant one big thing: together, after school. Now, we're not exactly 'allowed' to be together(thanks to our parents being typical Keralites) so some time at school is all we usually get. But last week meant having lunch together everyday, hanging out in between practice, and even a few moments all alone. Just being with him was enough to have me dreaming all through the day. Those accidental brushes we had were so full of meaning, that only we understood. His hands are incredibly soft. (yeah, I was lucky enough to have felt them!!) and they look like they can do a hell lot of magic. But we know our limits. (don't think we're some crazy kids trying to get physical) it's way more than that. It's not about how close we are standing, it's about how closely we understand each other. That's one of the biggest reasons I love him so much. Whatever it is that happens, no matter how embarrassing are the things I've done, he's always there to say "it's ok, that's not what really counts." just his presence comforts me. And he's always, ALWAYS there to listen. When I feel like crying my heart out he says, "don't worry, everyone cries. It's going to be ok. I'm here."
I love who he is, not just to me; but what he is inside. It just surprises me how one person can make such a difference in my life. And more so that somehow, it mean the same to him.
every day I have more reason to spend the rest of my life with him. All I wish is that we'll be together like this till the end.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
What's wrong?
Whats the problem with my blog? no-one seems to be reaidng it in this vast interent community. come on people, do my efforts some justice!!! just check it out and tell me what u think! why else would i start this unless it was to find other people who have similar experiences to mine and also to find critics for my writing?
tell your freinds, and read my blog you guys. tell me how i can improve too. i have a feeling it's too plain. tell me what u guys think ok?
see ya
tell your freinds, and read my blog you guys. tell me how i can improve too. i have a feeling it's too plain. tell me what u guys think ok?
see ya
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Misunderstood?
What is happening to me? There is so much I don’t understand anymore. Just a month ago, I had the feeling I knew all about the goings on in my life. But now, I realize that I was terribly wrong.
My academic status has come down to a mere 10th rank, and I expect that to go down even lower at my current pace. I remember a time when I was one of the top 5 in my class. Now just thinking of that is taboo. All I want is a meager 85% when just a few years ago, my standards were above a 95% average. What has changed me to this? Have a found more important things in life? I’ve been trying to answer that question, and as you would probably have guessed, it is a yes. I have found new things that matter to me more than grades in school.
I began to realize the importance of my relationships with people. Even now, I struggle sometimes to maintain them. I have to make a genuine effort at certain occasions to cement the bonds I share with the people around me. And yet, it seems that these are slowly fading away into time. My friends, I sometimes do not know if they are trustworthy; and I doubt my capabilities as a good friend. What am I to them all, but a grain in the sands of time?
My fears are overwhelming me. I have never feared so many things in life. I fear even the thought of death. It’s so inevitable, so unavoidable, I have seen it happen enough and yet, my knees knock when I think of the day I leave forever. No, I was wrong. This world is not unreal. It is the only reality I know, and sometimes even though I need escape, I am terrified by that time that I would escape forever. I fear losing things that are dear to me.
I think of the love I have inside me. I’m afraid that one day, all these feelings I have for him are going to be wrecked, blocked. I’m dreading the day, for someday it might dawn on me, when I have to say goodbye. I can’t bear to think of a situation where I am devoid of his support. It scares me to death to think there could be a time when we are alone, and without each other, with no way of reconciling. I cry just imagining life without him. I don’t want to lose him. I want to stay in his arms forever. Why do my fears overwhelm me? When I confide in someone I trust, it seems as though it is all just paranoia. For a little while, I shun them as though they are the childish rants of a lunatic. But when I am alone, my fears return to haunt me. They shake me. I don’t understand all of them and I don’t even know why I am scared of certain things. But the weakness of my mind has succumbed to them. Uneasiness takes over me sometimes, despite the interspersed cheer and joy I find in life.
Am I being too critical of my environment? Probably so; but I find peace in re-thinking about my mistakes and of estimating the problems around me. I don’t really know why. Though, in my lack of understanding, I also find a comfort within myself. A comfort that says ultimately, I am the only one who completely knows me. To everyone else, though they may not realize it, this young, confused, bubbly girl will always be a mystery.
My academic status has come down to a mere 10th rank, and I expect that to go down even lower at my current pace. I remember a time when I was one of the top 5 in my class. Now just thinking of that is taboo. All I want is a meager 85% when just a few years ago, my standards were above a 95% average. What has changed me to this? Have a found more important things in life? I’ve been trying to answer that question, and as you would probably have guessed, it is a yes. I have found new things that matter to me more than grades in school.
I began to realize the importance of my relationships with people. Even now, I struggle sometimes to maintain them. I have to make a genuine effort at certain occasions to cement the bonds I share with the people around me. And yet, it seems that these are slowly fading away into time. My friends, I sometimes do not know if they are trustworthy; and I doubt my capabilities as a good friend. What am I to them all, but a grain in the sands of time?
My fears are overwhelming me. I have never feared so many things in life. I fear even the thought of death. It’s so inevitable, so unavoidable, I have seen it happen enough and yet, my knees knock when I think of the day I leave forever. No, I was wrong. This world is not unreal. It is the only reality I know, and sometimes even though I need escape, I am terrified by that time that I would escape forever. I fear losing things that are dear to me.
I think of the love I have inside me. I’m afraid that one day, all these feelings I have for him are going to be wrecked, blocked. I’m dreading the day, for someday it might dawn on me, when I have to say goodbye. I can’t bear to think of a situation where I am devoid of his support. It scares me to death to think there could be a time when we are alone, and without each other, with no way of reconciling. I cry just imagining life without him. I don’t want to lose him. I want to stay in his arms forever. Why do my fears overwhelm me? When I confide in someone I trust, it seems as though it is all just paranoia. For a little while, I shun them as though they are the childish rants of a lunatic. But when I am alone, my fears return to haunt me. They shake me. I don’t understand all of them and I don’t even know why I am scared of certain things. But the weakness of my mind has succumbed to them. Uneasiness takes over me sometimes, despite the interspersed cheer and joy I find in life.
Am I being too critical of my environment? Probably so; but I find peace in re-thinking about my mistakes and of estimating the problems around me. I don’t really know why. Though, in my lack of understanding, I also find a comfort within myself. A comfort that says ultimately, I am the only one who completely knows me. To everyone else, though they may not realize it, this young, confused, bubbly girl will always be a mystery.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Hate School? Join the Club.
My Onam holidays are over. It's a depressing realization that I have to go back to that horrible place on Monday. School Sucks. It's H-E-L-L. I can't stand school. Here's why:
1. I'm in the tenth. The beginning of the toughest years of CBSE education. I have nothing to look forward to in my 11th and 12th, from what I've heard. All I have up ahead is a tons of studying, a lot of mugging, maybe a little learning, and a whole lot of crap from teachers and parents. Great.
2. I don't enjoy hanging out with my batch anymore. I was never a loner, but these past few months, my entire batch just sickness me. How they go around with each other and how they look like they're not studying but in truth they are. They're always out partying or hanging out and enjoying themselves. Hey that's great! But I'm just not interested anymore. The whole teenage flirting and freaking out has been a little toned down for me lately.
3. There are exams every three weeks. Midterms, Half -yearlys, third terms, models, and how could I forget the fabulous boards. In all, we have 8 sets of exams in a span of 10 months. And then there's Internal assessments, projects, vivas, practicals, what not. If u find that hard to believe, obviously you're not Indian.
4. Basketball season starts next week. It's great to play basketball, but that is just going to mean more missing classes, more staying back at school for practice, more time lost. More work and less energy.
5. My Half-yearly exam results will be out. Now, unlike everyone around me, my academic capabilities aren't at their peak right now. I've been failing myself a lot these days. So the one thing I'm dreading is returning to horrid school to see my grades. What a great way to start the new term(sarcasm).
Somebody tell me there's hope!!!
1. I'm in the tenth. The beginning of the toughest years of CBSE education. I have nothing to look forward to in my 11th and 12th, from what I've heard. All I have up ahead is a tons of studying, a lot of mugging, maybe a little learning, and a whole lot of crap from teachers and parents. Great.
2. I don't enjoy hanging out with my batch anymore. I was never a loner, but these past few months, my entire batch just sickness me. How they go around with each other and how they look like they're not studying but in truth they are. They're always out partying or hanging out and enjoying themselves. Hey that's great! But I'm just not interested anymore. The whole teenage flirting and freaking out has been a little toned down for me lately.
3. There are exams every three weeks. Midterms, Half -yearlys, third terms, models, and how could I forget the fabulous boards. In all, we have 8 sets of exams in a span of 10 months. And then there's Internal assessments, projects, vivas, practicals, what not. If u find that hard to believe, obviously you're not Indian.
4. Basketball season starts next week. It's great to play basketball, but that is just going to mean more missing classes, more staying back at school for practice, more time lost. More work and less energy.
5. My Half-yearly exam results will be out. Now, unlike everyone around me, my academic capabilities aren't at their peak right now. I've been failing myself a lot these days. So the one thing I'm dreading is returning to horrid school to see my grades. What a great way to start the new term(sarcasm).
Somebody tell me there's hope!!!
Friday, September 08, 2006
Hyderabad
Last week, being Onam in Kerala, I took a trip to hyderabad with my family. There was my mom, dad, brother, my aunt, uncle and cousins. We joined other cousins in Hyderabad.
It was a great trip. And a nice city at that.
Surprisingly we didn't shop much. i got some good perfume for myself. but other than that, a trip to the chudi baazaar and the joothi store, there wasn't much. Well, we also got some pearl jewellery, since hyderabad is supposed to be the 'city of pearls'.
We, like typical tourists, went to the historical places like the Char Minar, and Golconda fort and visited a couple of meusems. We got to see the Nizam's Jewels, which showcased the exquisite Jacob's diamond. Historically, i'm alot smarter now.
The great highlight was the food. My aunt, being the excellent cook tat she is, had us full to the brim for the entire holiday. The andhra biriyani was absolutely amazing; the kebabs irresistable. We ate at all the local joints and relished every local delight. I stuffed myself till i could no more. I'm just greatful my metablism compensates for it.
We really bonded as a family. We're already planning our next vacation. It's great fun to get together like this. None of us had any inhibitions because we were all close to each other. I guess it's true when they say family is always something different. It's a separate sort of conncetion. you can hate each other to death sometimes but ultimately, you stick together. That was the positive outcome of our vacation together, the 12 of us. we have all got to know each toher better and the next time we get together there would be fewer misunderstandings, more laughs and we'd have a bigger blast than the last.
To Family.
It was a great trip. And a nice city at that.
Surprisingly we didn't shop much. i got some good perfume for myself. but other than that, a trip to the chudi baazaar and the joothi store, there wasn't much. Well, we also got some pearl jewellery, since hyderabad is supposed to be the 'city of pearls'.
We, like typical tourists, went to the historical places like the Char Minar, and Golconda fort and visited a couple of meusems. We got to see the Nizam's Jewels, which showcased the exquisite Jacob's diamond. Historically, i'm alot smarter now.
The great highlight was the food. My aunt, being the excellent cook tat she is, had us full to the brim for the entire holiday. The andhra biriyani was absolutely amazing; the kebabs irresistable. We ate at all the local joints and relished every local delight. I stuffed myself till i could no more. I'm just greatful my metablism compensates for it.
We really bonded as a family. We're already planning our next vacation. It's great fun to get together like this. None of us had any inhibitions because we were all close to each other. I guess it's true when they say family is always something different. It's a separate sort of conncetion. you can hate each other to death sometimes but ultimately, you stick together. That was the positive outcome of our vacation together, the 12 of us. we have all got to know each toher better and the next time we get together there would be fewer misunderstandings, more laughs and we'd have a bigger blast than the last.
To Family.
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