Often I feel life pulling me down. This past month, nothing in particular has been bothering me and yet everything seems to be getting under my skin. My friends, my exams, my emotions, my family, even the people who aren't my friends are things that irritate me.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Indispensible
There are precisely 6 people in this world i can trust my life with. Out of that is my mom, dad and brother. Family, always. But the other three, they are the ones that i never want to take for granted. Unlike my family, they could walk out of my life at any given time. And then i would be broken.
When i realised i have only three real true friends, i was shattered. Because when i realised it, i was fighting with one, i was breaking up with another and i was ignoring the third. So i realised i was a complete and utter bitch. And i cried and i cried and i apologised and i cried some more.
Roselyn:
God, i love you. You, with your squeaky voice and your hand on my waist and your laughs and just your everything. I know that sounds so weird coming from me. You're my confidante, girl. And despite all your other friends that hurt me, despite all the little fights, i still want to talk to to you about the lamest stuff. And i really hope college isn't going to change this. I really hope I'd still be the person finishing your sentences.
Shari:
Somewhere in the middle of nowhere we banged our heads together and now you're here and i don't know sometimes what i would do without you. Reading each others' poems out loud and reading each others' lives out loud too. I don't want to lose this friendship because more often than not, it keeps me from breaking down into nothing. So Shari, i love you.
NEM :
Well you're another deal altogether. You're the blood in my body, the twinkle in my eye, the spring in my step. You're the reason i changed. You're the person who's shown me the greatest love and acceptance. You......I'm going to miss you. But i know that as a friend you're here. I don't know how much that will change things between us, but even as friends, for now i can trust you just like i trust the other five, like my family, like my best friends. I know you know i love you.
Mamma, Papa, Abu:
What can i say. You guys are my home. You guys are the ones i fight with the most and the ones i owe my entire life to. You are the ones i know will always be waiting for me no matter who i am, where i go. for your unconditional love and constant guidance. I know our arms will always protect each other. That is the bond of family. I love you guys so so much.
When i realised i have only three real true friends, i was shattered. Because when i realised it, i was fighting with one, i was breaking up with another and i was ignoring the third. So i realised i was a complete and utter bitch. And i cried and i cried and i apologised and i cried some more.
Roselyn:
God, i love you. You, with your squeaky voice and your hand on my waist and your laughs and just your everything. I know that sounds so weird coming from me. You're my confidante, girl. And despite all your other friends that hurt me, despite all the little fights, i still want to talk to to you about the lamest stuff. And i really hope college isn't going to change this. I really hope I'd still be the person finishing your sentences.
Shari:
Somewhere in the middle of nowhere we banged our heads together and now you're here and i don't know sometimes what i would do without you. Reading each others' poems out loud and reading each others' lives out loud too. I don't want to lose this friendship because more often than not, it keeps me from breaking down into nothing. So Shari, i love you.
NEM :
Well you're another deal altogether. You're the blood in my body, the twinkle in my eye, the spring in my step. You're the reason i changed. You're the person who's shown me the greatest love and acceptance. You......I'm going to miss you. But i know that as a friend you're here. I don't know how much that will change things between us, but even as friends, for now i can trust you just like i trust the other five, like my family, like my best friends. I know you know i love you.
Mamma, Papa, Abu:
What can i say. You guys are my home. You guys are the ones i fight with the most and the ones i owe my entire life to. You are the ones i know will always be waiting for me no matter who i am, where i go. for your unconditional love and constant guidance. I know our arms will always protect each other. That is the bond of family. I love you guys so so much.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Change
Lately, my life has been quite a bit of upheaval. there has been a lot of change i have to deal with. They say change is always good and one must be resilient in the face of change. I think of these small changes in my life and i see them causing tornadoes in me.
Have you seen the great trees in the forest? The ones that tower above us to kiss the sugary clouds. To me, a tree is the most resilient of creatures. For her, change is infinitesimal. It doesn't matter because whether there is rain or sunshine, whether it is autumn or spring, this magnificiant being lives through it all. A year in our life is simply another tiny ring in her trunk. And when we think we are old by the time we are 40, she is still in her fresh green youth at that age. The tree watches over the changes happening, hardly changing herself.
Then he comes. The lumberjack. His saw cuts her and her sap bleeds down her trunk. But she is silent. she cannot speak, she cannot move and she lets this change topple her over to the ground. She falls like a giant with a thunderous echo and the lumberjack smiles. His work is done.
But what he doesn't know is that in years to come (but a second in the tree's life), she will regenerate her being. She will grow once again, building on her roots, forgiving the one who brought her down. Once again, she will grow above us and watch.
I want to be her, the tree. I want to break away from these changes and look above them. I want to bounce back into life with energy and not with a sense of defeat. I want to be her.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Love is like..
I was thinking one day about love and all of it that i have inside me and i found an analogy which, at the moment seems fitting.
Love is like Quicksand.
There i was, minding my own business, watching the skies and as unexpectedly as ever, i fell straight into love; just like a wanderer falls into a puddle of quicksand. If you resist it, it pulls you down even more, so i didn't fight. i just let it be, i let this love come into me. Slowly, yet surely i was up to my neck in love. Only my head was sticking out of the puddle. After some more time my mouth went down, my nose went down and that's when i realised it was taking over me. It was a part of me now, there was nothing i could do to break free. This love was engulfing me with its power. I could not breathe, i could not see, i could not think. And gently, ever so gently, it took the life out of me.
Here i am now, left for dead. Because love, like quicksand, shows no mercy. At the end of it all, you simply crumble into dust.
In retrospect, i wouldn't regret falling into quicksand. There's a hefty price to pay for the greatest, most exhilarating moments in your life, but somehow it all seems worth it.
Love is like Quicksand.
There i was, minding my own business, watching the skies and as unexpectedly as ever, i fell straight into love; just like a wanderer falls into a puddle of quicksand. If you resist it, it pulls you down even more, so i didn't fight. i just let it be, i let this love come into me. Slowly, yet surely i was up to my neck in love. Only my head was sticking out of the puddle. After some more time my mouth went down, my nose went down and that's when i realised it was taking over me. It was a part of me now, there was nothing i could do to break free. This love was engulfing me with its power. I could not breathe, i could not see, i could not think. And gently, ever so gently, it took the life out of me.
Here i am now, left for dead. Because love, like quicksand, shows no mercy. At the end of it all, you simply crumble into dust.
In retrospect, i wouldn't regret falling into quicksand. There's a hefty price to pay for the greatest, most exhilarating moments in your life, but somehow it all seems worth it.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
An Eerie Sense of Calm
Life has taken a new turn this week. The crutch i used for all the horrid things that happened to me, namely that guy i love, i have allowed to fall away.i thought i needed him so, that i couldn't breathe without him. but now that we're not in a "relationship" it's not that bad. still friends, still talking, still laughing our heads off like before.
in one sense, i still have him as my crutch, as my pillar of strength because I'm not over him as of now. i still love him with all my heart, but i know time heals these things. we need to move on someday. the sooner i get it done, the better. I'm looking at this whole breakup as a chore i just have to do no matter what. I'm trying to be completely emotionless and practical. it's working to an extent as long as i don't think about it too deeply.
it's really pissing off that i have to do this, that the one relationship i had that made me completely, flawlessly happy has to end. life is crushing in its punishments. but what am i gonna do? cry, crib, or carry on. I'd say let's just dry out those tears and f*cking move on. I'm sick of all this sadness.
love hurts.
but after this, my mind has acquired some sort of peace. this is over. i can't think of what ifs and imagine the future. it's over for good. no turning back. nothing i can do. giving up isn't easy here, but it makes my brain think about bullsh*it alot less.
I'm probably not making any sense today...
in one sense, i still have him as my crutch, as my pillar of strength because I'm not over him as of now. i still love him with all my heart, but i know time heals these things. we need to move on someday. the sooner i get it done, the better. I'm looking at this whole breakup as a chore i just have to do no matter what. I'm trying to be completely emotionless and practical. it's working to an extent as long as i don't think about it too deeply.
it's really pissing off that i have to do this, that the one relationship i had that made me completely, flawlessly happy has to end. life is crushing in its punishments. but what am i gonna do? cry, crib, or carry on. I'd say let's just dry out those tears and f*cking move on. I'm sick of all this sadness.
love hurts.
but after this, my mind has acquired some sort of peace. this is over. i can't think of what ifs and imagine the future. it's over for good. no turning back. nothing i can do. giving up isn't easy here, but it makes my brain think about bullsh*it alot less.
I'm probably not making any sense today...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
At a loss for words
I need to speak for myself right now, I need to think. And yet, when I open my mouth to speak, or try to get my mind to think, there's simply a void. no words, no rational thoughts. I am still a child and life tells me this over and over again. So I shall write, like always, so i can at least pretend to be an adult through these silent words. words that are drowned even by the clickety clack of my keyboard. words that you, reader, may find the meaningless uttering of a child.
The parents are adamant about sending me to a good professional college. and so am I, the only difference is that I don't want to do a professional course. I fear for myself and I wonder if this desire I have to do something new and different is only the echo of my foolishness. What I want to do is journalism and mass communication. it entails the study of subjects I have never studied. I do not know if I will enjoy it. but my heart yearns for it so. I can just see myself sitting in those classes learning new things, gaining in confidence, becoming a good speaker, writing to my hearts content about everything under the sun. I want to cut and chip away at the rock that I am and make myself a gem. my fear is that all these thoughts are simply fantasy. what if my mind is just playing tricks on me? what if I am only amber at the core and not a diamond?
must I do the safe thing and do my professional degree? should I make a safety net for myself before I plunge into the unknown? again, I fear that weaving the safety net would take up too much of time and I will deviate from this dream to an extent that I cannot go back to being a journalist. I wonder if that is my fate. to be a computer science engineer with an unfulfilled pining to be a writer. yes, I can see myself clearly in that state. it is a much clearer vision than being a successful writer and a much clearer one than being a satisfied computer scientist.
I wonder if my inability to choose will be my greatest weakness, and eventually my downfall.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Undterminable
each one of us has some urge within us to be different. we have a wanting to do something special with our lives that no one else can do. and we admire the people who have acheived this. we look up to them and give them laurels. they become our heros, our role models.
i find everyone around me with these very real hopes of doing something different in life, and i find myself wishing the same.
young as i am, i have always wanted to be different, unique in every possible way, and yet, i could share a common thread with any random person. i have my own dreams, my own ideas, my own imagination and it is very different from other people. at the same time, i can find something similar with any person and begin a conversation with them. i am a chameleon in that sense. i can change according to the people around me and i am comfortable in most environments. but somewhere in me, as i have grown older, i have found myself a misfit. in my attempts to blend in, i had forgotten to discover my desire to be unique. but now, those desires come pouring out and i find myself reacting to situations, wanting things, that are different, out of the box.
my life is paved in front of me like an ominious highway. school, college, job, marriage, kids, retirement, death. sure, i'm going enjoy some beautiful times. but there is no excitement in a life so perdictable. and i could, if i wanted to let it happen this way. i could choose this well driven, safe highway, with all the right stop signs and green signals. or i could walk through the woods barefoot. my spirit would rush to the woods without a second thought. my mind would submissively drive along the safe highway and my heart, of course, my heart would be in the woods too. aching to experience the uncertainty of it all, but too scared to really go out and do it.
someday, this little girl, that i still am, will grow up. maybe then, i will have the courage to walk into those dark woods and the intelligence to steer my way out without too many bruises.
i remember Robert Frost:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
i find everyone around me with these very real hopes of doing something different in life, and i find myself wishing the same.
young as i am, i have always wanted to be different, unique in every possible way, and yet, i could share a common thread with any random person. i have my own dreams, my own ideas, my own imagination and it is very different from other people. at the same time, i can find something similar with any person and begin a conversation with them. i am a chameleon in that sense. i can change according to the people around me and i am comfortable in most environments. but somewhere in me, as i have grown older, i have found myself a misfit. in my attempts to blend in, i had forgotten to discover my desire to be unique. but now, those desires come pouring out and i find myself reacting to situations, wanting things, that are different, out of the box.
my life is paved in front of me like an ominious highway. school, college, job, marriage, kids, retirement, death. sure, i'm going enjoy some beautiful times. but there is no excitement in a life so perdictable. and i could, if i wanted to let it happen this way. i could choose this well driven, safe highway, with all the right stop signs and green signals. or i could walk through the woods barefoot. my spirit would rush to the woods without a second thought. my mind would submissively drive along the safe highway and my heart, of course, my heart would be in the woods too. aching to experience the uncertainty of it all, but too scared to really go out and do it.
someday, this little girl, that i still am, will grow up. maybe then, i will have the courage to walk into those dark woods and the intelligence to steer my way out without too many bruises.
i remember Robert Frost:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Tired
I'm tired of getting frustrated. I'm always in a bad mood these days and I'm really sick of it. it's time to cheer up.
by the way, i hate being a girl. i always get picked on because of my gender. it's always "because you're a girl you shouldn't be doing this.." and that's freaking irritating. why couldn't i have been just born a guy? i mean it's not my fault!! it's really pissing off and anyone who's set to say "don't this, you're a girl" can shove it. i don't give damn.
onto happier thoughts. I'm going to Goa tomorrow!! yippee!! I'm excited. my last excursion from school, i hope it's as much a blast as i expect it to be.
i miss my prince charming like crazy. i haven't talked to him properly in ages. it's just email now. god, i really wanna get some time with him, but time's never on my side. oh well. might as well take it as it comes. i still love him like mad. this doesn't change any of that.
by the way, i hate being a girl. i always get picked on because of my gender. it's always "because you're a girl you shouldn't be doing this.." and that's freaking irritating. why couldn't i have been just born a guy? i mean it's not my fault!! it's really pissing off and anyone who's set to say "don't this, you're a girl" can shove it. i don't give damn.
onto happier thoughts. I'm going to Goa tomorrow!! yippee!! I'm excited. my last excursion from school, i hope it's as much a blast as i expect it to be.
i miss my prince charming like crazy. i haven't talked to him properly in ages. it's just email now. god, i really wanna get some time with him, but time's never on my side. oh well. might as well take it as it comes. i still love him like mad. this doesn't change any of that.
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