I need to speak for myself right now, I need to think. And yet, when I open my mouth to speak, or try to get my mind to think, there's simply a void. no words, no rational thoughts. I am still a child and life tells me this over and over again. So I shall write, like always, so i can at least pretend to be an adult through these silent words. words that are drowned even by the clickety clack of my keyboard. words that you, reader, may find the meaningless uttering of a child.
The parents are adamant about sending me to a good professional college. and so am I, the only difference is that I don't want to do a professional course. I fear for myself and I wonder if this desire I have to do something new and different is only the echo of my foolishness. What I want to do is journalism and mass communication. it entails the study of subjects I have never studied. I do not know if I will enjoy it. but my heart yearns for it so. I can just see myself sitting in those classes learning new things, gaining in confidence, becoming a good speaker, writing to my hearts content about everything under the sun. I want to cut and chip away at the rock that I am and make myself a gem. my fear is that all these thoughts are simply fantasy. what if my mind is just playing tricks on me? what if I am only amber at the core and not a diamond?
must I do the safe thing and do my professional degree? should I make a safety net for myself before I plunge into the unknown? again, I fear that weaving the safety net would take up too much of time and I will deviate from this dream to an extent that I cannot go back to being a journalist. I wonder if that is my fate. to be a computer science engineer with an unfulfilled pining to be a writer. yes, I can see myself clearly in that state. it is a much clearer vision than being a successful writer and a much clearer one than being a satisfied computer scientist.
I wonder if my inability to choose will be my greatest weakness, and eventually my downfall.
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