Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Something Is Seriously Wrong WIth Me

Not, that there never was...
something was always wrong with me.

Today was a bad day. It shouldn't have been a bad day, but it was. It all started with chemistry. Just thinking about it tires me. The easiest topics in chemistry are so tough for me. I know this is only the beginning, and it's scaring me. Unit tests are in a month. I can't do badly. Everyone else is going to be perfectly fine in the end, and me. Oh I'm still going to be drowning in an ocean of some god forsaken acid. So it was chemistry really that got me into this terrible day.
Then there was merit evening. I didn't even feel proud of my merits. All i felt was hot and sweaty and tried and sleepy and bored. I wanted to go home. or better, i wanted to go back in time when i didn't have so many things to think about.
And after that ordeal, there was the getting home and the sitting down and the waiting for the water heater to work, and the cursing the heater for not working, and the not bathing in hot water, and the usual family talk....it all felt so weighty on me.
And then there were friends to console, to listen to, to remind it's not them i am angry at. There was him in my mind the whole time. Wishing against wish that today, just today, he could hold me, because i really desperately needed to be held. He would have comforted me, let me scream and cry and complain until it was all out. it's frustrating when it's taboo to let him ease my irritation.
Maybe the night will ease it instead.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Wake Up, You'll Miss The School Bus!

Well the least boring of my vacations have finally ended. Man it sucks to be back in school. Board exam results were good. I'm happy about those, more or less. I've taken the science stream. Chemistry is already driving me nuts!!
Our class couldn't be any more boring. I think the only reason i even drag myself to school every morning is because FINALLY he and i have adjacent classrooms. How cool is that? It's like a leap from a floor apart to a few meters apart. It's weird to see him more often, and even weirder to see him so close. I know, I'm pretty much talking crazy now, but yea this is me.
You should see him. He's got the most adorable smile on earth and when we're talking, even if it's just a hi or a bye, just that i can see him is like a gift. It's just been so long since I've seen him everyday and talked to him everyday. i am sort of overwhelmed by that.
He's just amazing. I mean it in the simplest way. I can't stay mad at the guy, he can somehow control me, and sometimes the things he says to me are outta this world. He notices the oddest things, like the smell of my perfume or how long i told him it takes for me to have a bath. He forgets the oddest things too, but as usual i forgive him in seconds.

I miss two of my best friends: Ria and Jaisal. Ria more than jaisal, if i may say so.
she was my buddy in crime. Always good for a laugh, always keeping me sane and reminding me I'm insane. She was such a blast, it feels terribly empty without her. I feel incomplete without her next to me talking about our latest blunder. Rose and I are constantly reminded of the threesome we were which can never be again. And today when she came to school for a few hours, it was like rubbing salt into a fresh wound.
Try as i might not to admit it, Ria can't ever be replaced. I feel sick to think she will not even be there to call me every five minutes because we're so bored. I might never tell her all these feelings, if i become soft, she would only be weaker. so i put on a brave face and say "It's inevitable, there's nothing you can do, it's not gonna be as bad as you think" So she can get through this a little less scathed than she would without someone to remind her all this is a part of life.
I don't know why i take this responsibility, but some part of me is looking for reassurance too, i feel. Maybe if i say those words out loud, i will believe them. Maybe it would help me not to be so upset about her absence-to-be. I wish it we're different. the last 2 years of school will never be the same without her. I hope i have the 'courage' to tell her that i will truly miss her.