Chemistry always ruins my day.
Today was my first chemistry exam. you can guess how i did. pretty bad. why do i have such a problem with this subject? why can't i just understand it and move on? it's bothering me. I'm not living up to my expectations of myself. (that sounds weird but its true)
I'm upset.
i want to cry.
i want to run away alone.
it's not even chemistry anymore. i just hate everything. i hate myself and my life and everyone around me. i want to rest but i cant. i want to be lazy but i cant. i want to sit quietly in a corner and think but i cant. and i surely can't cry. i would look like some self obsessed fool.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Something Is Seriously Wrong WIth Me
Not, that there never was...
something was always wrong with me.
Today was a bad day. It shouldn't have been a bad day, but it was. It all started with chemistry. Just thinking about it tires me. The easiest topics in chemistry are so tough for me. I know this is only the beginning, and it's scaring me. Unit tests are in a month. I can't do badly. Everyone else is going to be perfectly fine in the end, and me. Oh I'm still going to be drowning in an ocean of some god forsaken acid. So it was chemistry really that got me into this terrible day.
Then there was merit evening. I didn't even feel proud of my merits. All i felt was hot and sweaty and tried and sleepy and bored. I wanted to go home. or better, i wanted to go back in time when i didn't have so many things to think about.
And after that ordeal, there was the getting home and the sitting down and the waiting for the water heater to work, and the cursing the heater for not working, and the not bathing in hot water, and the usual family talk....it all felt so weighty on me.
And then there were friends to console, to listen to, to remind it's not them i am angry at. There was him in my mind the whole time. Wishing against wish that today, just today, he could hold me, because i really desperately needed to be held. He would have comforted me, let me scream and cry and complain until it was all out. it's frustrating when it's taboo to let him ease my irritation.
Maybe the night will ease it instead.
something was always wrong with me.
Today was a bad day. It shouldn't have been a bad day, but it was. It all started with chemistry. Just thinking about it tires me. The easiest topics in chemistry are so tough for me. I know this is only the beginning, and it's scaring me. Unit tests are in a month. I can't do badly. Everyone else is going to be perfectly fine in the end, and me. Oh I'm still going to be drowning in an ocean of some god forsaken acid. So it was chemistry really that got me into this terrible day.
Then there was merit evening. I didn't even feel proud of my merits. All i felt was hot and sweaty and tried and sleepy and bored. I wanted to go home. or better, i wanted to go back in time when i didn't have so many things to think about.
And after that ordeal, there was the getting home and the sitting down and the waiting for the water heater to work, and the cursing the heater for not working, and the not bathing in hot water, and the usual family talk....it all felt so weighty on me.
And then there were friends to console, to listen to, to remind it's not them i am angry at. There was him in my mind the whole time. Wishing against wish that today, just today, he could hold me, because i really desperately needed to be held. He would have comforted me, let me scream and cry and complain until it was all out. it's frustrating when it's taboo to let him ease my irritation.
Maybe the night will ease it instead.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Wake Up, You'll Miss The School Bus!
Well the least boring of my vacations have finally ended. Man it sucks to be back in school. Board exam results were good. I'm happy about those, more or less. I've taken the science stream. Chemistry is already driving me nuts!!
Our class couldn't be any more boring. I think the only reason i even drag myself to school every morning is because FINALLY he and i have adjacent classrooms. How cool is that? It's like a leap from a floor apart to a few meters apart. It's weird to see him more often, and even weirder to see him so close. I know, I'm pretty much talking crazy now, but yea this is me.
You should see him. He's got the most adorable smile on earth and when we're talking, even if it's just a hi or a bye, just that i can see him is like a gift. It's just been so long since I've seen him everyday and talked to him everyday. i am sort of overwhelmed by that.
He's just amazing. I mean it in the simplest way. I can't stay mad at the guy, he can somehow control me, and sometimes the things he says to me are outta this world. He notices the oddest things, like the smell of my perfume or how long i told him it takes for me to have a bath. He forgets the oddest things too, but as usual i forgive him in seconds.
I miss two of my best friends: Ria and Jaisal. Ria more than jaisal, if i may say so.
she was my buddy in crime. Always good for a laugh, always keeping me sane and reminding me I'm insane. She was such a blast, it feels terribly empty without her. I feel incomplete without her next to me talking about our latest blunder. Rose and I are constantly reminded of the threesome we were which can never be again. And today when she came to school for a few hours, it was like rubbing salt into a fresh wound.
Try as i might not to admit it, Ria can't ever be replaced. I feel sick to think she will not even be there to call me every five minutes because we're so bored. I might never tell her all these feelings, if i become soft, she would only be weaker. so i put on a brave face and say "It's inevitable, there's nothing you can do, it's not gonna be as bad as you think" So she can get through this a little less scathed than she would without someone to remind her all this is a part of life.
I don't know why i take this responsibility, but some part of me is looking for reassurance too, i feel. Maybe if i say those words out loud, i will believe them. Maybe it would help me not to be so upset about her absence-to-be. I wish it we're different. the last 2 years of school will never be the same without her. I hope i have the 'courage' to tell her that i will truly miss her.
Our class couldn't be any more boring. I think the only reason i even drag myself to school every morning is because FINALLY he and i have adjacent classrooms. How cool is that? It's like a leap from a floor apart to a few meters apart. It's weird to see him more often, and even weirder to see him so close. I know, I'm pretty much talking crazy now, but yea this is me.
You should see him. He's got the most adorable smile on earth and when we're talking, even if it's just a hi or a bye, just that i can see him is like a gift. It's just been so long since I've seen him everyday and talked to him everyday. i am sort of overwhelmed by that.
He's just amazing. I mean it in the simplest way. I can't stay mad at the guy, he can somehow control me, and sometimes the things he says to me are outta this world. He notices the oddest things, like the smell of my perfume or how long i told him it takes for me to have a bath. He forgets the oddest things too, but as usual i forgive him in seconds.
I miss two of my best friends: Ria and Jaisal. Ria more than jaisal, if i may say so.
she was my buddy in crime. Always good for a laugh, always keeping me sane and reminding me I'm insane. She was such a blast, it feels terribly empty without her. I feel incomplete without her next to me talking about our latest blunder. Rose and I are constantly reminded of the threesome we were which can never be again. And today when she came to school for a few hours, it was like rubbing salt into a fresh wound.
Try as i might not to admit it, Ria can't ever be replaced. I feel sick to think she will not even be there to call me every five minutes because we're so bored. I might never tell her all these feelings, if i become soft, she would only be weaker. so i put on a brave face and say "It's inevitable, there's nothing you can do, it's not gonna be as bad as you think" So she can get through this a little less scathed than she would without someone to remind her all this is a part of life.
I don't know why i take this responsibility, but some part of me is looking for reassurance too, i feel. Maybe if i say those words out loud, i will believe them. Maybe it would help me not to be so upset about her absence-to-be. I wish it we're different. the last 2 years of school will never be the same without her. I hope i have the 'courage' to tell her that i will truly miss her.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
What I Don't Say
Nymalu
What i said:
I love him and I'm sorry you don't get it. I will not talk about him anymore. I'm going to miss you and your laughs when you leave. You're so much fun. But it's us. We're still going to be friends. Best friends.
What i didn't say:
I wish you could somehow understand what i feel. Especially about him and about how he is good to me. I hope someday you will stand by me in this. Because you matter to me, and i want you to know me properly. But maybe you already do. I'm sorry i hurt you so many times. I can't bring myself to agree with you all the time. Sometimes i feel we are so opposite. Sometimes i feel we get each other into trouble.
Kiddo
What i said:
You're my best friend, i don't want to hurt you. But i can't love you like that. It's not a wall in my head. It's something i know will never work. It's because you can't see me happy with someone else. It's sometimes because you hate him, but that's OK. I want to be friends. i want you to be here for me. Please don't stay away.
What i didn't say:
You're just like me: insincere, selfish, preoccupied. We could never happen, don't you see? I'm losing my respect for you. I almost allowed myself to lower my defenses around you. To let you see a part of me i have not showed. But then you disappointed me again, and i have closed myself. No more intruders. I have never given you a chance, but that once when i did, it got wrecked. why try again?
Roselyn
What i said:
Man, i love him like hell, but things are just NOT working out. I mean I'm screwing it all up. But I'll stop now you must be bored. What else is new?
What I didn't say:
I just want to tell you everything, but yea you don't really care. And i forgive you, really. I just hope that I'm not just some other friend you made. that i matter to you. that you wont just walk away when school is over. because if you do, i might not forgive you anymore.
What i said:
I love him and I'm sorry you don't get it. I will not talk about him anymore. I'm going to miss you and your laughs when you leave. You're so much fun. But it's us. We're still going to be friends. Best friends.
What i didn't say:
I wish you could somehow understand what i feel. Especially about him and about how he is good to me. I hope someday you will stand by me in this. Because you matter to me, and i want you to know me properly. But maybe you already do. I'm sorry i hurt you so many times. I can't bring myself to agree with you all the time. Sometimes i feel we are so opposite. Sometimes i feel we get each other into trouble.
Kiddo
What i said:
You're my best friend, i don't want to hurt you. But i can't love you like that. It's not a wall in my head. It's something i know will never work. It's because you can't see me happy with someone else. It's sometimes because you hate him, but that's OK. I want to be friends. i want you to be here for me. Please don't stay away.
What i didn't say:
You're just like me: insincere, selfish, preoccupied. We could never happen, don't you see? I'm losing my respect for you. I almost allowed myself to lower my defenses around you. To let you see a part of me i have not showed. But then you disappointed me again, and i have closed myself. No more intruders. I have never given you a chance, but that once when i did, it got wrecked. why try again?
Roselyn
What i said:
Man, i love him like hell, but things are just NOT working out. I mean I'm screwing it all up. But I'll stop now you must be bored. What else is new?
What I didn't say:
I just want to tell you everything, but yea you don't really care. And i forgive you, really. I just hope that I'm not just some other friend you made. that i matter to you. that you wont just walk away when school is over. because if you do, i might not forgive you anymore.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Question of my life.
What do i do?
Is it that i am never satisfied with my life or that i am just entirely clueless? I'm always asking this question to myself. and occasionally it's "what now?" which is the same thing.
So here's the problem: I want him. More importantly and i think more undesirably, i need him. I have him. and you're saying so, what was that problem you were talking about?
well, imagine two people standing across a street. there are so many cars flashing by, they can't cross. They're stuck standing there, wanting so badly to get to the other side, to the other person. The traffic makes it almost impossible to even see each other. But they know the other person will wait at that spot till it's OK to cross.
Well, that's us. We have everything we need inside. And the outside is negating it all. People always saying NO.
Is he willing to wait that long? Am I? Or more rightly, Should we? How can i let him wait like that for me? How can i do that to him. Maybe i need to just close my eyes and bear the pain of losing him, for his good.
I knew i was a disaster, and look what I've done this time. what to do? what to do?
Is it that i am never satisfied with my life or that i am just entirely clueless? I'm always asking this question to myself. and occasionally it's "what now?" which is the same thing.
So here's the problem: I want him. More importantly and i think more undesirably, i need him. I have him. and you're saying so, what was that problem you were talking about?
well, imagine two people standing across a street. there are so many cars flashing by, they can't cross. They're stuck standing there, wanting so badly to get to the other side, to the other person. The traffic makes it almost impossible to even see each other. But they know the other person will wait at that spot till it's OK to cross.
Well, that's us. We have everything we need inside. And the outside is negating it all. People always saying NO.
Is he willing to wait that long? Am I? Or more rightly, Should we? How can i let him wait like that for me? How can i do that to him. Maybe i need to just close my eyes and bear the pain of losing him, for his good.
I knew i was a disaster, and look what I've done this time. what to do? what to do?
Thursday, March 29, 2007
It's Over!!!!!!
The boards are over!!
For the next two months it's FREEDOM!
I know, the freedom is short lived, but like i always say, have fun while you can because it ain't gonna last forever. How long it has been since we have been free of taunts.
This is a very important year.
Are you going to try and get a 100%?
This is only the beginning.
You have to focus, everything depends on this.
I have got sick of thinking about marks, studies, exams, my future... On a brighter note, It's over!!! We all went out and had fun yesterday. It was alright. We were all just recovering from the realization that this year is over for us. It was all much ado about nothing, but we got through it. I don't want to say much before my marks come out, but yeah, i think i can say i got through it. I am a bit singed, but i made it, just like evryone else.
I have to think of my parents now. They were really there for me, both of them. Always holding me up, never intruding but ever supporting. It was so comforting to know that even if all the teachers will be dissapointed with me, there are two people in the world who will always think of their little girl and keep her head high.
My freinds too, were always around; with questions, answers, consolations, laughs, anything to keep me sane through the month, and through the year. I love them all, for understanding how heard this can be on us. My friends are the ones you can scream at one day and crack up with the next.
What a relief that its over. It feels like a cube of ice gliding over my body, despite the immense summer heat. My obstacles may have only begun surfacing, but getting over these tiny obstacles would help me leap over the bigger boulders i hope.
To my freinds
Rose, Joanna, Ria, Susan, Jaisal, Amit, Rissan, Sharika, Navneeth, Sam
And my Family,
Mamma, Papa, Abu, Amma, Shobha and Ammachi
And of course,
My teachers, even the ones who hate me.
For the next two months it's FREEDOM!
I know, the freedom is short lived, but like i always say, have fun while you can because it ain't gonna last forever. How long it has been since we have been free of taunts.
This is a very important year.
Are you going to try and get a 100%?
This is only the beginning.
You have to focus, everything depends on this.
I have got sick of thinking about marks, studies, exams, my future... On a brighter note, It's over!!! We all went out and had fun yesterday. It was alright. We were all just recovering from the realization that this year is over for us. It was all much ado about nothing, but we got through it. I don't want to say much before my marks come out, but yeah, i think i can say i got through it. I am a bit singed, but i made it, just like evryone else.
I have to think of my parents now. They were really there for me, both of them. Always holding me up, never intruding but ever supporting. It was so comforting to know that even if all the teachers will be dissapointed with me, there are two people in the world who will always think of their little girl and keep her head high.
My freinds too, were always around; with questions, answers, consolations, laughs, anything to keep me sane through the month, and through the year. I love them all, for understanding how heard this can be on us. My friends are the ones you can scream at one day and crack up with the next.
What a relief that its over. It feels like a cube of ice gliding over my body, despite the immense summer heat. My obstacles may have only begun surfacing, but getting over these tiny obstacles would help me leap over the bigger boulders i hope.
To my freinds
Rose, Joanna, Ria, Susan, Jaisal, Amit, Rissan, Sharika, Navneeth, Sam
And my Family,
Mamma, Papa, Abu, Amma, Shobha and Ammachi
And of course,
My teachers, even the ones who hate me.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Boards are here ......
The exams are here. The boards that everyone has been talking to me about this whole year has finally arrived, and i am overwhelmed by it. I am not doing anything as i planned to.
For one, i am sick of studying this whole year and cannot even think of studying anymore. and this i feel when it most counts.
the boards are scary. But they are not as bad as people make it to be. They are easier than any exam I've don't this year(so far) and i wonder why there was so much pressure on me in the first place. Now that the time has come to put in your very best, to focus, to get close to a 100% in at least one subject, I AM BEING A LAZY BUM.
what am i supposed to do today? i have 4 days for my English exam. the past 3 days, i learnt 4 chapters in science out of the 17 we have and 1 question paper in french. a feeble attempt. in the next 4 days, i plan to study English, bit by boring bit. in between all this studying, there is the Internet, there is the eating, the TV, the walking around aimlessly, there is all of this messing up, DURING THE MOST IMPORTANT MONTH OF MY TENTH.
have i gone crazy? have i dropped myself to a level where i am utterly not bothered with life? no. i care as much as i ever did to do well for these exams. but i am not doing my BEST. not that all my friends are......
all this studying in the end is useless. and that makes it even harder to commit to this.
oh well, i am an Indian student, and for us this is the only life. might as well put up a fake smile and get through it.
For one, i am sick of studying this whole year and cannot even think of studying anymore. and this i feel when it most counts.
the boards are scary. But they are not as bad as people make it to be. They are easier than any exam I've don't this year(so far) and i wonder why there was so much pressure on me in the first place. Now that the time has come to put in your very best, to focus, to get close to a 100% in at least one subject, I AM BEING A LAZY BUM.
what am i supposed to do today? i have 4 days for my English exam. the past 3 days, i learnt 4 chapters in science out of the 17 we have and 1 question paper in french. a feeble attempt. in the next 4 days, i plan to study English, bit by boring bit. in between all this studying, there is the Internet, there is the eating, the TV, the walking around aimlessly, there is all of this messing up, DURING THE MOST IMPORTANT MONTH OF MY TENTH.
have i gone crazy? have i dropped myself to a level where i am utterly not bothered with life? no. i care as much as i ever did to do well for these exams. but i am not doing my BEST. not that all my friends are......
all this studying in the end is useless. and that makes it even harder to commit to this.
oh well, i am an Indian student, and for us this is the only life. might as well put up a fake smile and get through it.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Jaisal
You may not be asking "who is Jaisal?", because nobody gives anything about some guy in my life, but since this is my blog and i can write in it whatever i please, I'm writing it.
I call him Jes. We go back quite a while. i met him in the 4th grade, and through 5th, 6th, and 8th we were classmates. He is one of my best friends. He's been my best buddy for about 2 years now, and i guess that isn't long enough to claim you know a person, but we are still just kids so i think that's enough. I know Jes like he was a brother. I know he's a champ at tennis, he's a good looking guy, he's a smart chap, he's popular. These things, everyone knows.
When i think of him, i wonder whether we are that close at all. I don't know his favourite breakfast. I don't know if he has crazy dreams. I will never know what i mean to him. I am always disapproving of something he has done or said. Nonetheless, i feel like this kid is almost a brother. a brother i can HATE and one i can appreciate at the same time.
This past week, jes was everything that i wanted him not to be. Every word he said cut a gash in me for a reason i still don't know. My expectations of him were far too high. and sometimes just speaking to him seems a huge ordeal. But somewhere in me, i want to forgive this guy because he was one of the few people i liked. I can't forgive him.
He didn't stick up for me like i always would have fro him. He broke the single rule of friendship, which unlike the rules of love are easy to keep. "Always be there" He stood there, and watched me getting humiliated by his friend without a word or an action to stop it. And there i was hoping that my best friend would get me out of the mess and he just shrugged.
I walked out and to myself i swore i would never rely on jaisal again. he was not worth depending on. OF course later he tried to apologise and beg my forgiveness. But i know him well enough to know about his sincerity. Sorry comes to him as easily as the wind.
I called him today, and well... it wasn't the same i can tell you. I wasn't myself.
I am feeling like i am nobody. Like i am not worth any care. He makes me feel like he will never be entirely happy for me unless i am entirely his. I am not his. I never want to be. I belong to someone else. But he can never say, "I'm so glad you've found someone who understands you" he can only say, "why are you in love with him anyway?"
I am not as upset as i was. Probably i shouldn't be upset at all. Probably i should leave this whole friendship business and let it mend itself. Or maybe i should not waste my time worrying about some kid who I can never understand. The kid who may never understand me, because I am so many things he does not know.
Enough about Jaisal. One can only ramble so much about "some guy". I have better things to think of.
I call him Jes. We go back quite a while. i met him in the 4th grade, and through 5th, 6th, and 8th we were classmates. He is one of my best friends. He's been my best buddy for about 2 years now, and i guess that isn't long enough to claim you know a person, but we are still just kids so i think that's enough. I know Jes like he was a brother. I know he's a champ at tennis, he's a good looking guy, he's a smart chap, he's popular. These things, everyone knows.
When i think of him, i wonder whether we are that close at all. I don't know his favourite breakfast. I don't know if he has crazy dreams. I will never know what i mean to him. I am always disapproving of something he has done or said. Nonetheless, i feel like this kid is almost a brother. a brother i can HATE and one i can appreciate at the same time.
This past week, jes was everything that i wanted him not to be. Every word he said cut a gash in me for a reason i still don't know. My expectations of him were far too high. and sometimes just speaking to him seems a huge ordeal. But somewhere in me, i want to forgive this guy because he was one of the few people i liked. I can't forgive him.
He didn't stick up for me like i always would have fro him. He broke the single rule of friendship, which unlike the rules of love are easy to keep. "Always be there" He stood there, and watched me getting humiliated by his friend without a word or an action to stop it. And there i was hoping that my best friend would get me out of the mess and he just shrugged.
I walked out and to myself i swore i would never rely on jaisal again. he was not worth depending on. OF course later he tried to apologise and beg my forgiveness. But i know him well enough to know about his sincerity. Sorry comes to him as easily as the wind.
I called him today, and well... it wasn't the same i can tell you. I wasn't myself.
I am feeling like i am nobody. Like i am not worth any care. He makes me feel like he will never be entirely happy for me unless i am entirely his. I am not his. I never want to be. I belong to someone else. But he can never say, "I'm so glad you've found someone who understands you" he can only say, "why are you in love with him anyway?"
I am not as upset as i was. Probably i shouldn't be upset at all. Probably i should leave this whole friendship business and let it mend itself. Or maybe i should not waste my time worrying about some kid who I can never understand. The kid who may never understand me, because I am so many things he does not know.
Enough about Jaisal. One can only ramble so much about "some guy". I have better things to think of.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Time drags On
My favourite channel is now CNN. yeah, that's right. I think I'm going insane. my most common activity is studying. my least common activity is swimming(i used to swim at least once a week). I'm beginning to dread parties, and this is the weirdest one. I think it's because after a whole day of studying, and pretending to study and downright not studying, I'm too tired, too fed up to do anything more.
But i guess it's just inertia. because one day i dragged myself to go and swim, and boy was it great. Things are a lot slower these days. life is inching forward, and each minute seems like an empty abyss. I want to drown, lose my breath and slowly disappear. I want to cry forever because some days the pain overwhelms me. More than the pain, it is the excruciating emotion. Emotions i have never felt are taking over me.
Desperation
Hopelessness
Wanting to just quit
Crying for no reason
weightlessness
I don't know. I'm not making sense. Adieu.
But i guess it's just inertia. because one day i dragged myself to go and swim, and boy was it great. Things are a lot slower these days. life is inching forward, and each minute seems like an empty abyss. I want to drown, lose my breath and slowly disappear. I want to cry forever because some days the pain overwhelms me. More than the pain, it is the excruciating emotion. Emotions i have never felt are taking over me.
Desperation
Hopelessness
Wanting to just quit
Crying for no reason
weightlessness
I don't know. I'm not making sense. Adieu.
Friday, January 05, 2007
What is the point?
What's the point about
1.writing this blog
2. studying half your life for some crappy job
3.getting into iit
4. being the person your parents dreamed about when you can't be yourself
5. being free because freedom is relative
6. having freinds, they all betray you
7. having money when it doesn't buy happiness
8. expression when noone is listening
9. trying to prove your worth
10. knowing your worth and not being able to fulfill it
11. having dreams if they are crushed by circumstances
12. believing in fairy tales
13. thinking that things will always work out, because they never do
14. hoping you won't die just another slob
15. winning an award after you're dead
16. holding your breath in suspense
17. worry
18. loving or hating life, does it matter?
19. falling in love
20. the good ol'' times, they're over anyway
21. keeping freinds because you love them, half of them don't give a shit
22. lying when the truth is going to come out soon enough
23. hoping your wishes come true
24. believing in God, only you can decid your life
25. killing yourself, you're gonna die in a while anyway
in fact, everyone will die someday and life in it's entirety is pointless
1.writing this blog
2. studying half your life for some crappy job
3.getting into iit
4. being the person your parents dreamed about when you can't be yourself
5. being free because freedom is relative
6. having freinds, they all betray you
7. having money when it doesn't buy happiness
8. expression when noone is listening
9. trying to prove your worth
10. knowing your worth and not being able to fulfill it
11. having dreams if they are crushed by circumstances
12. believing in fairy tales
13. thinking that things will always work out, because they never do
14. hoping you won't die just another slob
15. winning an award after you're dead
16. holding your breath in suspense
17. worry
18. loving or hating life, does it matter?
19. falling in love
20. the good ol'' times, they're over anyway
21. keeping freinds because you love them, half of them don't give a shit
22. lying when the truth is going to come out soon enough
23. hoping your wishes come true
24. believing in God, only you can decid your life
25. killing yourself, you're gonna die in a while anyway
in fact, everyone will die someday and life in it's entirety is pointless
Life Sucks
Life sucks to the core. there are exams every week. I'm going crazy studying endlessly, and if I'm not doing that, then I'm feeling guilty I'm not studying.
It's horrible. I wish I had my childhood back. and to top it all off, I barely get to talk to him. Call me a complaining brat, but it sucks. That's it. Period.
It's horrible. I wish I had my childhood back. and to top it all off, I barely get to talk to him. Call me a complaining brat, but it sucks. That's it. Period.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Going Down Deep
Long time since I wrote. Quite a bit has happened. My life has taken its toll. Everything has crashed. Nothing makes sense anymore. Sometimes I feel suicidal, sometimes murderous. most times, I am hopeless.
He is too far away. They have pulled him away from me. When I say they, I mean practically everyone. Our parents, our teachers, the circumstances, they all work against us. It tires me to keep fighting against the current. So I let myself flow with it. I bore the searing pain of having to stay away from him.Our words came like dust. Our eyes stopped trying so hard to communicate. Why? Because we're not allowed. We're not supposed to love or to hold. Not now, probably not ever. It's shattering me. I can't stand the distance any more. I can't bear to see the sadness in his eyes. It's impossible not to love him, and even harder to try and forget this love. I wouldn't dare try. I would never forgive myself if this got lost in my memories, without a fight.
One day, it dawned on me. It hit me that if I keep going with the flow of time, our love will have slipped through my fingers and I would regret it forever. and then I decided, I'm not going to let go. I'm never letting go of him. No one can make me change my mind. This means too much to my life. I need his love. mostly, I need him by my side.
The fact that the one person I could always run to for comfort can't be there anymore has made me even more dependant on him. Academically, I seem to be doing pretty well, but it doesn't even excite me anymore. Fewer people are pointing fingers at me because they don't see us together anymore. Maybe I can convince them that this love is not destructive.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But we know that we love each other so very much. We wouldn't stop holding on until all hope is lost. Maybe even without hope, we would still stay by each other. Only time can tell, what fate awaits us. After all, destiny can't have a chink in its chain.
He is too far away. They have pulled him away from me. When I say they, I mean practically everyone. Our parents, our teachers, the circumstances, they all work against us. It tires me to keep fighting against the current. So I let myself flow with it. I bore the searing pain of having to stay away from him.Our words came like dust. Our eyes stopped trying so hard to communicate. Why? Because we're not allowed. We're not supposed to love or to hold. Not now, probably not ever. It's shattering me. I can't stand the distance any more. I can't bear to see the sadness in his eyes. It's impossible not to love him, and even harder to try and forget this love. I wouldn't dare try. I would never forgive myself if this got lost in my memories, without a fight.
One day, it dawned on me. It hit me that if I keep going with the flow of time, our love will have slipped through my fingers and I would regret it forever. and then I decided, I'm not going to let go. I'm never letting go of him. No one can make me change my mind. This means too much to my life. I need his love. mostly, I need him by my side.
The fact that the one person I could always run to for comfort can't be there anymore has made me even more dependant on him. Academically, I seem to be doing pretty well, but it doesn't even excite me anymore. Fewer people are pointing fingers at me because they don't see us together anymore. Maybe I can convince them that this love is not destructive.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But we know that we love each other so very much. We wouldn't stop holding on until all hope is lost. Maybe even without hope, we would still stay by each other. Only time can tell, what fate awaits us. After all, destiny can't have a chink in its chain.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Spoke Too Soon
Look at the date. Friday the 13th. Great. The Last time I wrote, my life seemed perfect. Now it seems far from it. Have the stars not aligned right? Is it karma? Is it my fate? Ah, who knows. What has happened has, and now I will write about it. My way of dealing with emotion is that.
God, sometimes things get really out of hand. Yesterday was one of those really uneasy days. My first stomach-clenching experience was with the Principal of our school. She wanted to tell me something people had been noticing lately. Remember, this is Kerala. People need very little to talk, especially if it's about teen relationships. She wanted to tell me to be extremely careful what signs I give off in school, concerning my relationship with him. She wants me to stop being so close to him. She told me I must not give room for people to talk of me. I can hear their whispers in the corridor's, I see their knowing smiles. It is as if what I am doing, falling in love with the most amazing guy on earth, is the greatest sin.
she is the one walking around with that boy. What nerve she has to have a relationship with a senior! What is happening to our children? It's girls like these that we need less of.
they will not understand why I "walk around with that boy". These people don't believe in love, until you are married. They feel that a girl must love the boy her parents choose. Can she not choose the one who understands her most? NO. Especially not in school.
I love him. What they say will not change us. We will become stronger over their accusations.
Basketball is going rather pathetically at the moment. We scraped a win on Thursday and lost the finals of a local tournament yesterday. Our next tournament starts in a few days. God knows how we will do for that. Somehow, winning seems to be the last of my worries. Basketball at least keeps my mind off my problems for a while.
I need help. I have only him today. I need only him. I just hope that the world would leave us alone, to fall in love in peace. We just want to be ourselves.
God, sometimes things get really out of hand. Yesterday was one of those really uneasy days. My first stomach-clenching experience was with the Principal of our school. She wanted to tell me something people had been noticing lately. Remember, this is Kerala. People need very little to talk, especially if it's about teen relationships. She wanted to tell me to be extremely careful what signs I give off in school, concerning my relationship with him. She wants me to stop being so close to him. She told me I must not give room for people to talk of me. I can hear their whispers in the corridor's, I see their knowing smiles. It is as if what I am doing, falling in love with the most amazing guy on earth, is the greatest sin.
she is the one walking around with that boy. What nerve she has to have a relationship with a senior! What is happening to our children? It's girls like these that we need less of.
they will not understand why I "walk around with that boy". These people don't believe in love, until you are married. They feel that a girl must love the boy her parents choose. Can she not choose the one who understands her most? NO. Especially not in school.
I love him. What they say will not change us. We will become stronger over their accusations.
Basketball is going rather pathetically at the moment. We scraped a win on Thursday and lost the finals of a local tournament yesterday. Our next tournament starts in a few days. God knows how we will do for that. Somehow, winning seems to be the last of my worries. Basketball at least keeps my mind off my problems for a while.
I need help. I have only him today. I need only him. I just hope that the world would leave us alone, to fall in love in peace. We just want to be ourselves.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Sense and Sensibility
Life is just great right now. It seems like everything around me is beautiful. I wonder what brought about the change. Oh wait, I know. Yeah, there's only one answer. Him. These days it seems like he's the only thing in my mind. The only person I want to talk about, the only one I want to be with.
M friends are all getting tired of hearing about him, but I don't care. He's the only thing that matters to me now. It's weird that something like this is even happening to me. But it feels great. It feels incredibly right.
I don't want to leave him. I want to hold him in my arms and stay there forever. I want to kiss his soft lips over and over again. I love him so much. I don't knew what else to say. It's all I think about. Our love, and it's amazing depth. I don't want to stop falling in love with him.
God, I pray to you to keep us safe.
M friends are all getting tired of hearing about him, but I don't care. He's the only thing that matters to me now. It's weird that something like this is even happening to me. But it feels great. It feels incredibly right.
I don't want to leave him. I want to hold him in my arms and stay there forever. I want to kiss his soft lips over and over again. I love him so much. I don't knew what else to say. It's all I think about. Our love, and it's amazing depth. I don't want to stop falling in love with him.
God, I pray to you to keep us safe.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
So It Continues...
Last week was as good as the one before. Again, after school we both had practice for basketball, and music. Now having lunch together is becoming an everyday thing for us. I'm afraid I've gotten so used to being with him, that I won't be able to keep up if he doesn't stay back in school with me. Anyway, like last week, this one was also bittersweet. A lot of crap went on all around me. I fought with my friends, I cried, I got yelled at by my coach, I never finished my homework on time, etc, etc.
but as always, someone was there to get me through. Yeah, you guessed it, it was him. He was there all along to make every day better than I thought it was. So at the end of each day all I'd say was, "things could have been so much worse if he wasn't there."
His hug is the most comforting thing on the planet. For me, his arms are the safest place. If I am with him, I know nothing can go wrong. We will hold on, together. He is the one who gives me strength. He is the one who holds me close. He is the one who loves me exactly how i want to be loved. he is the only one i want to spend my life with.
but as always, someone was there to get me through. Yeah, you guessed it, it was him. He was there all along to make every day better than I thought it was. So at the end of each day all I'd say was, "things could have been so much worse if he wasn't there."
His hug is the most comforting thing on the planet. For me, his arms are the safest place. If I am with him, I know nothing can go wrong. We will hold on, together. He is the one who gives me strength. He is the one who holds me close. He is the one who loves me exactly how i want to be loved. he is the only one i want to spend my life with.
Monday, September 25, 2006
What A Week It Has Been!
One of the most eventful weeks of my life it was, last week. It was bittersweet, but the good surprisingly overcame the bad.
basketball coaching had begun and was in full swing. We had practice everyday of the week(and still do). It was exhilarating. Playing basketball is always therapeutic to me. But it does have its cons. The biggest one being that it consumed a lot of my time. I barely finished my homework on time. I didn't have time for much else. By the time I got back home, I was spent. Nonetheless, it has been fun. It's all good when it's basketball.
the best part about last week was that when I had practice in school for basketball, he had practice in school for music. This meant one big thing: together, after school. Now, we're not exactly 'allowed' to be together(thanks to our parents being typical Keralites) so some time at school is all we usually get. But last week meant having lunch together everyday, hanging out in between practice, and even a few moments all alone. Just being with him was enough to have me dreaming all through the day. Those accidental brushes we had were so full of meaning, that only we understood. His hands are incredibly soft. (yeah, I was lucky enough to have felt them!!) and they look like they can do a hell lot of magic. But we know our limits. (don't think we're some crazy kids trying to get physical) it's way more than that. It's not about how close we are standing, it's about how closely we understand each other. That's one of the biggest reasons I love him so much. Whatever it is that happens, no matter how embarrassing are the things I've done, he's always there to say "it's ok, that's not what really counts." just his presence comforts me. And he's always, ALWAYS there to listen. When I feel like crying my heart out he says, "don't worry, everyone cries. It's going to be ok. I'm here."
I love who he is, not just to me; but what he is inside. It just surprises me how one person can make such a difference in my life. And more so that somehow, it mean the same to him.
every day I have more reason to spend the rest of my life with him. All I wish is that we'll be together like this till the end.
basketball coaching had begun and was in full swing. We had practice everyday of the week(and still do). It was exhilarating. Playing basketball is always therapeutic to me. But it does have its cons. The biggest one being that it consumed a lot of my time. I barely finished my homework on time. I didn't have time for much else. By the time I got back home, I was spent. Nonetheless, it has been fun. It's all good when it's basketball.
the best part about last week was that when I had practice in school for basketball, he had practice in school for music. This meant one big thing: together, after school. Now, we're not exactly 'allowed' to be together(thanks to our parents being typical Keralites) so some time at school is all we usually get. But last week meant having lunch together everyday, hanging out in between practice, and even a few moments all alone. Just being with him was enough to have me dreaming all through the day. Those accidental brushes we had were so full of meaning, that only we understood. His hands are incredibly soft. (yeah, I was lucky enough to have felt them!!) and they look like they can do a hell lot of magic. But we know our limits. (don't think we're some crazy kids trying to get physical) it's way more than that. It's not about how close we are standing, it's about how closely we understand each other. That's one of the biggest reasons I love him so much. Whatever it is that happens, no matter how embarrassing are the things I've done, he's always there to say "it's ok, that's not what really counts." just his presence comforts me. And he's always, ALWAYS there to listen. When I feel like crying my heart out he says, "don't worry, everyone cries. It's going to be ok. I'm here."
I love who he is, not just to me; but what he is inside. It just surprises me how one person can make such a difference in my life. And more so that somehow, it mean the same to him.
every day I have more reason to spend the rest of my life with him. All I wish is that we'll be together like this till the end.
Monday, September 18, 2006
What's wrong?
Whats the problem with my blog? no-one seems to be reaidng it in this vast interent community. come on people, do my efforts some justice!!! just check it out and tell me what u think! why else would i start this unless it was to find other people who have similar experiences to mine and also to find critics for my writing?
tell your freinds, and read my blog you guys. tell me how i can improve too. i have a feeling it's too plain. tell me what u guys think ok?
see ya
tell your freinds, and read my blog you guys. tell me how i can improve too. i have a feeling it's too plain. tell me what u guys think ok?
see ya
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Misunderstood?
What is happening to me? There is so much I don’t understand anymore. Just a month ago, I had the feeling I knew all about the goings on in my life. But now, I realize that I was terribly wrong.
My academic status has come down to a mere 10th rank, and I expect that to go down even lower at my current pace. I remember a time when I was one of the top 5 in my class. Now just thinking of that is taboo. All I want is a meager 85% when just a few years ago, my standards were above a 95% average. What has changed me to this? Have a found more important things in life? I’ve been trying to answer that question, and as you would probably have guessed, it is a yes. I have found new things that matter to me more than grades in school.
I began to realize the importance of my relationships with people. Even now, I struggle sometimes to maintain them. I have to make a genuine effort at certain occasions to cement the bonds I share with the people around me. And yet, it seems that these are slowly fading away into time. My friends, I sometimes do not know if they are trustworthy; and I doubt my capabilities as a good friend. What am I to them all, but a grain in the sands of time?
My fears are overwhelming me. I have never feared so many things in life. I fear even the thought of death. It’s so inevitable, so unavoidable, I have seen it happen enough and yet, my knees knock when I think of the day I leave forever. No, I was wrong. This world is not unreal. It is the only reality I know, and sometimes even though I need escape, I am terrified by that time that I would escape forever. I fear losing things that are dear to me.
I think of the love I have inside me. I’m afraid that one day, all these feelings I have for him are going to be wrecked, blocked. I’m dreading the day, for someday it might dawn on me, when I have to say goodbye. I can’t bear to think of a situation where I am devoid of his support. It scares me to death to think there could be a time when we are alone, and without each other, with no way of reconciling. I cry just imagining life without him. I don’t want to lose him. I want to stay in his arms forever. Why do my fears overwhelm me? When I confide in someone I trust, it seems as though it is all just paranoia. For a little while, I shun them as though they are the childish rants of a lunatic. But when I am alone, my fears return to haunt me. They shake me. I don’t understand all of them and I don’t even know why I am scared of certain things. But the weakness of my mind has succumbed to them. Uneasiness takes over me sometimes, despite the interspersed cheer and joy I find in life.
Am I being too critical of my environment? Probably so; but I find peace in re-thinking about my mistakes and of estimating the problems around me. I don’t really know why. Though, in my lack of understanding, I also find a comfort within myself. A comfort that says ultimately, I am the only one who completely knows me. To everyone else, though they may not realize it, this young, confused, bubbly girl will always be a mystery.
My academic status has come down to a mere 10th rank, and I expect that to go down even lower at my current pace. I remember a time when I was one of the top 5 in my class. Now just thinking of that is taboo. All I want is a meager 85% when just a few years ago, my standards were above a 95% average. What has changed me to this? Have a found more important things in life? I’ve been trying to answer that question, and as you would probably have guessed, it is a yes. I have found new things that matter to me more than grades in school.
I began to realize the importance of my relationships with people. Even now, I struggle sometimes to maintain them. I have to make a genuine effort at certain occasions to cement the bonds I share with the people around me. And yet, it seems that these are slowly fading away into time. My friends, I sometimes do not know if they are trustworthy; and I doubt my capabilities as a good friend. What am I to them all, but a grain in the sands of time?
My fears are overwhelming me. I have never feared so many things in life. I fear even the thought of death. It’s so inevitable, so unavoidable, I have seen it happen enough and yet, my knees knock when I think of the day I leave forever. No, I was wrong. This world is not unreal. It is the only reality I know, and sometimes even though I need escape, I am terrified by that time that I would escape forever. I fear losing things that are dear to me.
I think of the love I have inside me. I’m afraid that one day, all these feelings I have for him are going to be wrecked, blocked. I’m dreading the day, for someday it might dawn on me, when I have to say goodbye. I can’t bear to think of a situation where I am devoid of his support. It scares me to death to think there could be a time when we are alone, and without each other, with no way of reconciling. I cry just imagining life without him. I don’t want to lose him. I want to stay in his arms forever. Why do my fears overwhelm me? When I confide in someone I trust, it seems as though it is all just paranoia. For a little while, I shun them as though they are the childish rants of a lunatic. But when I am alone, my fears return to haunt me. They shake me. I don’t understand all of them and I don’t even know why I am scared of certain things. But the weakness of my mind has succumbed to them. Uneasiness takes over me sometimes, despite the interspersed cheer and joy I find in life.
Am I being too critical of my environment? Probably so; but I find peace in re-thinking about my mistakes and of estimating the problems around me. I don’t really know why. Though, in my lack of understanding, I also find a comfort within myself. A comfort that says ultimately, I am the only one who completely knows me. To everyone else, though they may not realize it, this young, confused, bubbly girl will always be a mystery.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Hate School? Join the Club.
My Onam holidays are over. It's a depressing realization that I have to go back to that horrible place on Monday. School Sucks. It's H-E-L-L. I can't stand school. Here's why:
1. I'm in the tenth. The beginning of the toughest years of CBSE education. I have nothing to look forward to in my 11th and 12th, from what I've heard. All I have up ahead is a tons of studying, a lot of mugging, maybe a little learning, and a whole lot of crap from teachers and parents. Great.
2. I don't enjoy hanging out with my batch anymore. I was never a loner, but these past few months, my entire batch just sickness me. How they go around with each other and how they look like they're not studying but in truth they are. They're always out partying or hanging out and enjoying themselves. Hey that's great! But I'm just not interested anymore. The whole teenage flirting and freaking out has been a little toned down for me lately.
3. There are exams every three weeks. Midterms, Half -yearlys, third terms, models, and how could I forget the fabulous boards. In all, we have 8 sets of exams in a span of 10 months. And then there's Internal assessments, projects, vivas, practicals, what not. If u find that hard to believe, obviously you're not Indian.
4. Basketball season starts next week. It's great to play basketball, but that is just going to mean more missing classes, more staying back at school for practice, more time lost. More work and less energy.
5. My Half-yearly exam results will be out. Now, unlike everyone around me, my academic capabilities aren't at their peak right now. I've been failing myself a lot these days. So the one thing I'm dreading is returning to horrid school to see my grades. What a great way to start the new term(sarcasm).
Somebody tell me there's hope!!!
1. I'm in the tenth. The beginning of the toughest years of CBSE education. I have nothing to look forward to in my 11th and 12th, from what I've heard. All I have up ahead is a tons of studying, a lot of mugging, maybe a little learning, and a whole lot of crap from teachers and parents. Great.
2. I don't enjoy hanging out with my batch anymore. I was never a loner, but these past few months, my entire batch just sickness me. How they go around with each other and how they look like they're not studying but in truth they are. They're always out partying or hanging out and enjoying themselves. Hey that's great! But I'm just not interested anymore. The whole teenage flirting and freaking out has been a little toned down for me lately.
3. There are exams every three weeks. Midterms, Half -yearlys, third terms, models, and how could I forget the fabulous boards. In all, we have 8 sets of exams in a span of 10 months. And then there's Internal assessments, projects, vivas, practicals, what not. If u find that hard to believe, obviously you're not Indian.
4. Basketball season starts next week. It's great to play basketball, but that is just going to mean more missing classes, more staying back at school for practice, more time lost. More work and less energy.
5. My Half-yearly exam results will be out. Now, unlike everyone around me, my academic capabilities aren't at their peak right now. I've been failing myself a lot these days. So the one thing I'm dreading is returning to horrid school to see my grades. What a great way to start the new term(sarcasm).
Somebody tell me there's hope!!!
Friday, September 08, 2006
Hyderabad
Last week, being Onam in Kerala, I took a trip to hyderabad with my family. There was my mom, dad, brother, my aunt, uncle and cousins. We joined other cousins in Hyderabad.
It was a great trip. And a nice city at that.
Surprisingly we didn't shop much. i got some good perfume for myself. but other than that, a trip to the chudi baazaar and the joothi store, there wasn't much. Well, we also got some pearl jewellery, since hyderabad is supposed to be the 'city of pearls'.
We, like typical tourists, went to the historical places like the Char Minar, and Golconda fort and visited a couple of meusems. We got to see the Nizam's Jewels, which showcased the exquisite Jacob's diamond. Historically, i'm alot smarter now.
The great highlight was the food. My aunt, being the excellent cook tat she is, had us full to the brim for the entire holiday. The andhra biriyani was absolutely amazing; the kebabs irresistable. We ate at all the local joints and relished every local delight. I stuffed myself till i could no more. I'm just greatful my metablism compensates for it.
We really bonded as a family. We're already planning our next vacation. It's great fun to get together like this. None of us had any inhibitions because we were all close to each other. I guess it's true when they say family is always something different. It's a separate sort of conncetion. you can hate each other to death sometimes but ultimately, you stick together. That was the positive outcome of our vacation together, the 12 of us. we have all got to know each toher better and the next time we get together there would be fewer misunderstandings, more laughs and we'd have a bigger blast than the last.
To Family.
It was a great trip. And a nice city at that.
Surprisingly we didn't shop much. i got some good perfume for myself. but other than that, a trip to the chudi baazaar and the joothi store, there wasn't much. Well, we also got some pearl jewellery, since hyderabad is supposed to be the 'city of pearls'.
We, like typical tourists, went to the historical places like the Char Minar, and Golconda fort and visited a couple of meusems. We got to see the Nizam's Jewels, which showcased the exquisite Jacob's diamond. Historically, i'm alot smarter now.
The great highlight was the food. My aunt, being the excellent cook tat she is, had us full to the brim for the entire holiday. The andhra biriyani was absolutely amazing; the kebabs irresistable. We ate at all the local joints and relished every local delight. I stuffed myself till i could no more. I'm just greatful my metablism compensates for it.
We really bonded as a family. We're already planning our next vacation. It's great fun to get together like this. None of us had any inhibitions because we were all close to each other. I guess it's true when they say family is always something different. It's a separate sort of conncetion. you can hate each other to death sometimes but ultimately, you stick together. That was the positive outcome of our vacation together, the 12 of us. we have all got to know each toher better and the next time we get together there would be fewer misunderstandings, more laughs and we'd have a bigger blast than the last.
To Family.
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