life sucks: part two

every one has bad days. and i'm just like everyone. but unlike many people when i have a bad day, very few people know about it. i'm one of those keep negative emotions to yourself type. if everyone was like me, i think the world would explode with unvented anger and sadness. my only refuge is my pillows which are on some days soaked with tears or a close freind's comforting hug. i'd rather be completely isolated than show myself as a broken down frail creature. that's my ego working.
last week, life just took its toll on me. everything just came crashing down and the one person i relyd on, myself, showed weakness. what was i to do?
it all started with him. he was the faint spark that blew everything up. after everything he's said about me, and every action signifyng hate towards me, one fine day he comes and utters these words, "sorry for being mean." i looked at him wating for a continuation, in vain, "is that it?' i asked him. "yea" he says with a questioning look as if to say what more do you want? i was so angry that he expected me to jus bang my head and get a concussion so i'd forget each and every cruel word he said about me. i retorted with not an ounce of pity, "apology unaccepted."
that is the end of our comversation. and next thing i know im yelling to myself at how easy he thought it was to win me over again. and then my freind says, "why don't you just try being freinds with him?" that was it. i was broken. why u ask? because i had been trying all week to talk to him and he said that he didnt want to be freinds with me he just wanted to be my guy. and the next day, what do you think happened? well we sat down to talk about it like rational individuals that's what. the only problem is, when we are together, neither of us is capable of thinking rationally. he apologizes sincerely though and i forgive him. after all, i was head over heels for him only a few months ago. then he asks me how life has been. i say great. tells me his hasnt ever since i left and that he misses me. i say ok. he says he still likes me. i say i don't. it just came out. i don't know whay i'm such a wierd freak who doesn't think before she opens her mouth. but yea what has been said, has been said. nothing can change it. how have the tables turned so that i'm the one left feeling guilty? aaargh! its not my fault. none of this is my fault. i will get through this. and who cares what everyone thinks? i have me, myslf and i.
but why am i such a rude, sore bitch. i think all this emotion stuffed in me is leaking out more and more. and everyday is the worst day.
to top it all off, my parents are succeeding in ruining my life. yes sir. they can now read my email. it was a completely personal thing coz i have so many contacts who i don't see often. now i can't do any talking without censoring everything i say. great. so much for respecting my privacy. and my mom, thanks to my own stupidity reads an old diary entry of mine, abt this guy who once made me cry. she was shocked. and that was it with her trusting me. to make things worse, i hardly communicate with my famliy anymore. the occasional hi, that about all we say. sometimes i feel completely alone but other times i want to be that way. maybe i should tell my parents about my seemingly miserable life, but if they get involved i think things would only get worse. i must sort out my life for myself. there's my ego showing again.
its hard, you know. people never see what's inside before forming an opinion of you. whatever they see, they take for face value. even good freinds of mine can't make out the difference between a fake smlie and a true one. people think too fast.
but i am a person of strenght. i will get over this whole my life sucks thing, because at the end of the day, i will be happy. my life will turn out ok. and everything happens for a reason. sooner or later, i will love again. and though it may take time to heal these scars, i know time will heal all.