Fears.

She broke him today. It hasn't hit him yet. I know it will.

I was always jealous. In every way. More than I would admit, even to myself. But now I shall. I was jealous. I am jealous. When it took me a day or more to build up his self esteem again, she'd come and in a split second he would crumble. The days that I couldn't get into the core of what was really bothering him, she'd appear out of hibernation, leave him with a five minute phone call and he would be on cloud eleven. That's all she needed, and the power she had over him made me jealous. And angry. I was outraged that she would let him be so weak with her. I was outraged that she didn't see how, bit by bit she was pulling him apart. I was outraged that he wouldn't just leave her already. But he wouldn't, couldn't. Love is so fucking irrational. And then came more jealousy, that she controlled him, the one i was trying to protect. And all the barriers i had constructed to keep him from harm's way, she brought down with a little tiny breath. She kept saying, "I'm not good enough for him" and she wasn't. No one is. He's the most loving, caring, considerate person with her, and she just decides to take his heart out and step on it, over and over. She didn't know what she had, and she'll never know how much he loves her.

If ever, i get her in my hands this is what I shall do. I will grab her by the wrist and stand her in front of me. I will slap her with all the might i have inside me across her face. And again. Again. Again. Until it become blue. And then I will shout out to her a million reasons why she isn't good enough for him. And between each reason, i'll slap her again. And when that's over, i will drag her by the hair and bang that head of hers on a stone wall. And then I will break her neck. That's all.

And now, I'm going to make sure he never falls in love with her again. Twisted, mind bended, confusing, irrational, dishonest bitch. And now i feel guilty. Because if he reads this, he'd not approve. And would not make him feel any better. Only worse, only angry at me.

I'm the best friend. And all I want is for him to be happy. I am selfless as I ever could be with him. I worry for him, I hurt for him, I cry for him. It makes me worry what he is to me. Friend, best friend, more? I worry what would happen if i let that possibility become real. Everything would change. Every move of ours would be different. And what once was, fifteen years ago can't be relevant anymore, right? But I push these fears away and focus on the one at hand: the fear that he will be irreparable, like i have become. I will stay close. And fix him. I'm the best friend.

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,

Running over the same old ground.

What have you found? The same old fears.

Wish you were here.