2 A.M.

I wish I wasn't in love with you. I really, REALLY do. And maybe some part of me isn't in love with you anyway. But even now, after all this time, sad songs make me cry because they remind me of you. Even now, when you don't call, it hurts the deepest of my insides with a hurt that none of your sorrys could ever really fix. And maybe it's all my fault, for expecting too much. Maybe i'm just a horrible person to be with. Maybe you just don't FEEL like having me around every second of every waking moment. I still, with all my heart, wish you would just lie to me and call me anyway. I don't think I ever wanted to be the center of your world, I just needed to have that illusion, and I thought you could at least do that for me. But then, that makes me a horrible person to be with, doesn't it? In fact, it just makes me a horrible person, period.

Some part of me just wants to settle for this. For this feeling of being loved, but not loved enough. I can't believe I'm saying this, and this is the first time I've ever thought about it. The tears are streaming down my cheeks as this feeling overwhelms me. I WISH I HAD JEET BACK. Not the Jeet I know now. The Jeet I knew when I was sixteen. The Jeet to whom, there was noone else but me. The Jeet that made me feel like I was good enough for him and for everyone else on the planet. The one who I didn't have to talk to for him to know what I was feeling. The one who I'd do ANYTHING for, because he'd do ANYTHING for me. But you wouldn't. Not anything. Only some things. I want to go backwards in time and be in love with that person. The one who wasn't going to leave me for his parents. Before all that drama and all that bone crushing pain. Before he told me all those little truths that meticulously sliced my heart into pieces. The one who made promises only when he meant it. The one who didn't care if I was wearing a skirt, or glasses or my hair down. I was the center of his world. I was his everything.

Was I ever that to you? Was I ever the only thing that mattered, like you were to me? Or is that something that is just not possible for you? And when you ask me if you were just a rebound guy, I feel like breaking your bones. Because no one cries over rebound guys. No one tries THIS hard to make it work with a rebound guy. No one picks a boy going half way across the world to be their rebound guy. I know it's awful to want all this. to want you to be mine, and only mine. I know it's selfish and I am fully aware of how crazy this sounds to other people. And in any other circumstance, I would be okay with it and be able to deal with it, and just accept that you are "like this only". But there WAS someone who could handle this who didn't make me feel unwanted for a really long time (until everything got effed up). And knowing that there was someone in my life like that, knowing that you were the center of MY universe and most of all knowing that I would never be yours, killed me. It kills me now.

So I listen to sad songs and cry in my room and wait for you like a sorry, pathetic loser.